Special Guest Editor Tonight - Conrad's Liver!

I Don't Think We've Had A Guest Editor Before -
  Be careful with m -

HELLO!  Hello world from the depth's of Conrad's innards!  My, what a month August is turning out to - sorry?  Oh, January.  January, then - us livers are bad with dates and calendars.  What a month June is turning out to be.
     Yes, the overweight sot I help to run is off alcohol for this month (July, right?), thankfully.  Gives me a chance to detox-diet and recover from Christmas - although Christsmash is more like it.  Mind you, it's not the reprieve it might be, considering SpongeGob (the nickname us internal organs have for him as he soaks up EVERYTHING) is going for the all-England Tea Drinking record at the weekend.  12 pints of tea.  Plus a bottle of lemonade a day, on top of a cup of hot Marmite.

Handsome, ain't he?

     Actually Marmite gets a "Get Out Of Laundromat Free*" card, as it is a vital source of Vitamin B12, essential for correct liver function. 
     I'd love to hang around and chat about the disgraceful way SpongeGob treats his insides, and there are a couple of relevant articles later on, but I have to get back to keeping his metabolism staggering along, much like him at the weekend.
     Thank you for listening to the Dramatic Hepatic**!

A flying Liver.
Now, that's dramatic!

Those Birds Are At It Again -
Icy, slippery and treacherous underfoot, this is what you get locally after snow.  It gets rapidly compacted into ice by pedestrians, and thanks to the Sun's position at this time of year, it never gets thawed thanks to a lack of solar heat.  Thus a dangerous walk to the bus stop.  A cold, dark, icy and dangerous trip to the bus stop - so what the heck have those birds in the trees to be so happy about?

BLACKBIRD: Good MORNING!
THRUSH:  GOOD Morning!
BB: I say, icy today, eh?
T:  I'm so glad I live in a tree.
BB: Wait a minute, here comes Fatty.  Let the fun commence!
T: What on earth is he doing - "Tiptoe Through The Tulips"?
BB:  I believe he is trying to avoid slipping on the ice.  Hence the peculiar gait.
T:  Whoah, there he goes!
BB:  Oooof.  I think the earth moved.
T:  It certainly shook snow off the branches.
BB:  Time for Weightwatchers, Fatty.
T: Has he broken anything?
BB;  With his padding?  Hardly!  A couple of flags looked cracked, though.
T: I bet his behind is purple tomorrow -
STARLING:  Hob's nails, him again!  I was at the bathroom window and talk about p-

 - then the bus came.

Tomato Ketchup
Or, in Conrad's lexicon, "Sugar-flavoured tomato glop".  Conrad, whom if we are honest has few scruples of any description about food, will not touch Tomato Glop and treats all food likewise touched as "Heavily Contaminated".  Unfortunately the rest of the family know this and can deter Conrad from nicking their chips by the simple expedient of putting Tomato Glop on them.
     Here's a list of ingredients:  

Tomatoes, Spirit Vinegar, Sugar, Salt, Spice and Herb Extracts (contain Celery), Spice


     What right have Heinz to pollute a savoury condiment with sugar?  Bear in mind it's the third largest ingredient.  Be honest, how often do you sit down to a meal and think "You know what, there's not enough Golden Syrup on these chips," or "I really feel like a bacon and strawberry jam sandwich," or "Yum, how I love jacket potatoes with an ice-cream filling!"***

Conrad, aghast in horror at the prospect of Tomato Glop.
Or plotting world domination.

Conrad's Raging Sweet Tooth In Action
If you read the blog with any regularity you might be forgiven for not knowing that Conrad could live from one end of the year to the other on sweet things alone.  I show considerable forbearance in not scarfing a sample of the cakes and muffins and biscuits I make, otherwise the scales would tilt at 30 stone instead of a comparatively modest 20^.

The crushed, empty carcass

     I got through this packet in two days, and have now broken into my Strategic Twinky reserve in order to satisfy the fiendish desire for sugar.  It would be more efficient to simply empty a 2 lb bag of sugar into a bowl and just stick my maw into it until nothing remained, except that would be less fun.

Watch Out, Liver!
This packet has been sitting at the front of the baking ingredients cupboard for months, until I decided to carpe diem and eat some of them today.

"Best Before 15th March 2014"

     Nearly 2 years past their "Best Before" date, which means they're practically fresh by Conrad's rules.  Had 2 packets today and still feeling fine.




* Livers - also bad at Scrabble.  Monopoly!  Sorry, Monopoly.
** Greek for "Liver"
***  Although if any of these become popular, I want royalties.
^ <Plus another 2 or three - information courtesy Mister Hand>