I Know What You're Thinking And You're Wrong
You were expecting this to be about <thinks> the Justice League, weren't you? Let me see, how many - O a picture would be easier. Art!
Pretty sure that's a Paul Dini artwork
Yes! Seven of 'em. From port to starboard they are: Green Lantern; The Flash; Superman; Batman; Wonder Woman; Aquaman and Jonn Jonzz. Conrad not entirely sure why Aquaman is in there, unless you fancy fish fingers for dinner. There are several corking animated JLAs out there, except that one about Monster Island, that was a bit meh.
ANYWAY of course that has nothing to do with our real Intro topic, which is - O sorry! Of course, of course, there's also the Anti-Justice League, "The Seven" from "The Boys". Art!
Out of sheer mischief I'm not going to tell you which are the analogues to JLA.
Right, can we get back on topic? Yes? Thank you so much!
Okay, if I were to say "Richard Johnson" then of course you would immediately respond "Ah yes the actor chappie" and you would be completely WRONG! Art?
This is how wrong you are
Dog Buns, Vulnavia, how often are we ever rational, linear and logical here?
No, I refer to the author Richard Johnson, who, in or around 1597, published a work entitled "The Seven Champions Of Christendom", which was the first such work to include all seven saints together, from legends that had been entirely separate. Art!
The RSPCA would like a word with you, matey
In his ecclesiastical pot-boiler, RJ wrote that Saint George (patron saint of England) was imprisoned for seven years by the Moorish King of Morroco; Saint Denys (patron saint of France) spent seven years in the form of a deer; Saint James (patron saint of Spain) was struck dumb for seven years for fancying 'a fair Jewess'; Saint Anthony (patron saint of Italy) - this is a long one - was enchanted into perpetual sleep thanks to seven lamps, which were quenched only by water from a holy fountain as poured by the three sons of Saint George; Saint Andrew (patron saint of Scotland) freed six ladies who had been cursed to live as swans, but they'd been that way for seven years and must have wished he'd gotten a bit of a hurry-up; Saint Patrick (patron saint of Ireland) was immured - remember me having to look that one up? - in a cell with no prospect of release so he dug his grave with his own fingernails; Saint David (patron saint of Wales) slept for seven years in an enchanted sleep until Saint George woke him up.
Got that? Splendid, because we're not done yet. Art!
Enter Osmand stage left. He was a necromancer in TSCOC, which is probably shorthand for A Thoroughly Bad Egg. Being a bit of a boke-bag and without a wife or hobby, he decided one day to raise a magic army and get rid of Christendom. Obviously the Super Seven fought back, until six of them were killed, except Saint George brought them back to life. Probably the first zombie fiction in history. Osmand proved that he was a bad loser by pulling out his hair, biting his tongue in two, disembowelling himself, cutting off both arms and then dying. Conrad thinks that second arm is poetic licence - how can you cut an arm off if you've only got one left? Art!
Georgie serves a writ upon the dragon
Motley! I thirst - bring me a drink in the flagon with the dragon!
Conrad's Armoured Underpants At Work
To fend off the Coincidence Hydra's fangs and WASH OUT YOUR FILTHY MINDS. What did I get when Googling for "Osmand Richard Johnson"? Art!
This chap - Richard Osman. He is attempting to take over the world, you know, because he's the question-master on that horribly involving game show "Pointless" - where you have to give an answer that nobody polled has guessed - and which has sucked Conrad in for several rounds before realising that Planning World Domination has taken a back seat, and he's the host for "Richard Osman's House Of Games" where four celebrities have to solve various word puzzles, and - Art!
See? The coincidences don't end there, O no. Later ...
"The Sea Of Sand"
As you should so surely recall, the recently-revived bio-vore garrison on Earth had sent an envoy back to their unimaginatively named 'Homeworld'. He's in for a nasty surprise.
A squad of bio-vores marched onto the platform at the double, having run up the access ramp at the side after being alerted by the sirens.
"I come from the Seventeenth Target World," began Andoletri, the speech having been rehearsed several times already. "I bring important news, take me to the nearest paramilitary officer."
"Silence!" rasped one of the guards. Andoletri suddenly realised, with surprise, that they were all considerably smaller than he was, and their probosces were all carried in a pouch, instead of hanging free. He also realised, with an unpleasant foreboding, that they were pointing shard-throwers at him. Weapons designed to kill immediately.
"But I have vital information -" he began.
"Silence, heretic!" snapped the guard. "Remove all your equipment. Place it into the disposal box." Another guard produced a black glass bin.
Andoletri put his clothing, equipment and weapons into the bin, only pausing with the scroll.
"This is information about the Seventeenth Target World," he explained, laying the scroll carefully onto the platform.
"You were warned, heretic!" shouted the guard leader, raising his shard-thrower. All twelve of the guard detail opened fire, their flechettes slashing into the hapless arrivee, killing him in an instant. The guard leader stamped maliciously on the scroll, shattering it into a mass of fragments.
Ah, Bet he didn't see that coming.
The Haul
Conrad made a vain journey into Ur-On-The-Roche yesterday, since Adecco seem to have moved out of their registered business address. Loathe to have travelled for nothing, Your Humble Scribe ventured into the British Heart Foundation shop and picked up a few volumes. Art!
The RAF book is a series of snapshots of aerial battles over time, each accompanied with an artwork by a different artist. The ECW book was first published in 1974, so I'm not sure if it's more recent than the one of that title I already have. Might have to check the shelves for that one. And Josephine Tey, as you should surely know by now, was a superlative writer of crime fiction. Only a small output but very classy stuff.
More Post-Apocalyptic Film Commendations
As posted by Cultured Vultures. Conrad has seen all the rest they list, though I'm only going to post a trio to keep our word count down. Art!
<gulps> Wow, "The Matrix" is 23 years old? The first one is definitely the best and is mostly set in a contemporary reality instead of the utterly dismal post-apocalyptic future. And that lobby shoot-out! Art!
"Wall-E" is fairly appealing in that you have a cute robot working tirelessly on an Earth long abandoned by humans, only for them to come back. I've only seen it the once, may try looking for it on Netflix. Art!
Eve and her clunky junkbot boyfriend Wall-E
"Mad Max: Fury Road" is a blast from start to stop and a worthy sequel to the trilogy, unless it's a reboot. Perhaps not as they've not made a sequel to it. Yes yes yes, it is seven years since it came out; how long was it between "Thunderdome" and this one? Art!
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| Why a flame-throwing guitar? Why not! |
And with that we are done.
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