NO! That Is Not A Typo!
You'd better watch yourself, I've already vapourised half a dozen Codeword compilers just to keep my Remote Nuclear Detonating skills up to scratch. Once again, I can tell what you're thinking because you have glass heads when it comes to a blog title. You are confusing what I've typed with a series of highly entertaining YA novels by Eoin Colfer, where young Artemis Fowl is the protagonist. Conrad is clued up on these as Darling Daughter read some when she was younger and cuter. Art!
The thing about Artemis, is that he's a villain, plain and simple. He is supremely intelligent, cold and ruthless and takes over his absent father's criminal empire before he even finishes school. He is definitely amoral as a character and Conrad was pretttttty certain they'd never make a film of the novel because how could they satisfactorily portray a teenage criminal mastermind in a kindly light?
Apparently they did, although it wasn't very good. Ha! That'll teach Disney. I bet they sugared him up and made him a soppy dog-loving philanthropist who gives to charity and helps old ladies cross the road. Art!
Stupid posters didn't help, either
Conrad can't even be bothered to see wha
ANYWAY none of that is to do with what I really wanted to say, which is in fact the 'Artemis 1', a whacking great spacerocket that NASA has been building for a decade, and which will put humans back on the Moon for the first time since 1972. Conrad, out walking Edna this morning, caught sight of the half-Moon up in the sky and, as always, thought to himself 'Twelve people have walked on that'. Art!
The Clinically-Clean Dozen
Yes yes yes, I know they rode around in a Moon Buggy on three missions, but they still had to walk to and from it. Dog Buns hair-splitters. Art!
The 'Lunar Roving Vehicle'
ANYWAY Artemis 1 was due to launch in late August, when the launch was postponed due to sensors indicating an engine wasn't cold enough. One September 3rd the launch was postponed again because of a hydrogen leak, which has proved tricky to fix, and which gives us our title for today. Art!
Artie with puny humans for scale
The next date for launch is probably going to be October, though NASA has reserved dates later in September if they can get things jiggled in time, because the longer the delay, the more likely it is that internal batteries will have run down. If anything inside the rocket needs fixing then it's back inside off the launchpad to get partially dismantled and re-jigged.
This is all in order to actually test the whole system with an unmanned capsule, which might have to be amended to unpersoned because there are doubtless female astronauts waiting to get their boots dirty on Ma Moon. Art!
I mean - girls in space? Tch. What is the world coming to. In case you were wondering, if you do not take infinite pains to monitor the state of your spacerocket, and make sure that it is SAFE to launch, then you get disasters like that one in the Sinister Union at Baikonur, and no you don't get a picture. Ghouls.
Okay, motley, you sit in that chair and I'll rock it.
Slow Progress
A good while ago Conrad explained to you that he was undertaking the solution to a crossword in the Lord Peter Wimsey short story "The Fascinating Problem Of Uncle Meleager's Will". I have made very slow progress with this for two reasons: 1) The clues were dreamed up by Dot Sayers herself, who had a classical education and a far larger vocab than Your Humble Scribe. Nor have I tackled any other crosswords that she created, so I don't know how her compiling mind worked. 2) The clues are beyond difficult. As an example: I3 "Dusty though my fellows be, We are a kingly company". Art!
"The War Illustrated"
The articles and photographs haven't featured for a while, so let's continue with how this fortnightly magazine portrayed the Allied conquest/liberation of Sicily. Art!
Shoeless young lads swarming all over a Sherman tank. Once again, hardly wretched cavilling woefuls.
'OVRA' was Fascist Italy's secret police, and I recall my History lecturer saying nobody had ever come up with a satisfactory explanation of what it meant or whether it was an acronym.
From Sicily To Libya
Yes, another thrilling instalment of "The Sea Of Sand" because everybody loves it so much. As you should surely recall, a bio-vore had been sent back to Homeworld with news from Earth, only to be killed stone dead by his unappreciative fellows.
"Remove this carcass," ordered the guard leader. He watched the body of Andoletri being dragged and thrown unceremoniously from the platform.
"Inform Lord Excellency Sur that as per instructions the heretic is dead. Also, we are ready to send our own unsullied warriors to the Target World."
Lord Excellency Sur arrived soon after in his personal transport, a friction-sled drawn by ten Warriors on punishment detail. He left them in their traces and solemnly walked up the access ramp to the platform.
"Guard Leader Skatachino, sir," grovelled the leader of the squad that had killed Andoletri, ready to hear praises of his name and promotion, perhaps even to a ritual Shortening Of The Name.
Lord Excellency Sur had brought his own technician with him, and the latter quickly ran through a series of checks before reporting back to Sur.
"Skatachino, come here," boomed Sur. The eager squad leader ran across the trans-mat platform. He stood in front of Sur, which made it easier for the Lord to shoot out his proboscis and Eviscerate the guard leader.
"The trans-mat is no longer working! Take that with you, you blundering incompetent!" bellowed Sur to the rapidly shrinking bundle of fibre that had been Guard Leader Skatachino.
Just not Sur's day, is it?
More 'Wild And Free'
I think there are still a few photographic entries for the BBC's "Countryfile" calendar left to detail. Let me check and if there are then a picture will appear below. Art!
Last one!
This one is slyly titled "Group Hug" by Graeme U'ren. There is splendid contrast between the swan's white plumage and their eyes and beaks. The collective name for this group of huggers would be 'Bevy''.
Finally -
I shall be off to eat after posting this, and have decided it's time to tackle some of that kind-of-goulash I cooked last week, before it goes off and starts to taste funny. Which might still not stop me. Like they say, one man's poison is another man's meat.
Pip pip!
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