Not 'Zombieland' The Film Exactly
Although it is a splendidly entertaining and amusing film, and - you know what? - I may have to dig it out and rewatch it, and see if 'Double Tap' is visible on Netflix, because yes, I am a very sad man with no social life, and it's good to see Bill Murray not being afraid to poke fun at himself in both films. Art!
Actually, Conrad was musing - or it may have been pondering, the two do overlap somewhat - on his morning Thinking Time whilst walking Edna, about what the dress code is for those enduring the Zombie Apocalypse*. Whether they are fast or slow, zombies are always pretty bite-y, and leaving exposed skin IS A STUPID IDEA. Yes, "Army Of The Dead" we are looking at you. Art!
So much bare skin!
First off, you wear a boilersuit, because these are both robust and cover your torso, arms and legs down to the wrist and ankle. Art!
None of that nonsense about bare skin. What's that? You might overheat? Pour a bottle of water over yourself, which would you rather be, hot or cold - 'cold' as in 'at room temperature' because you're dead? Next, a pair of shoes, or even robust trainers, that are high enough in the heel to reach under the boilersuit. That way your ankles aren't exposed. If you feel under-dressed, gaffer-tape where suit meets shoe. NO SANDALS OR CROCS! Art!
These are utterly unacceptable. Not only are they full of holes that enable the revenants to bite you, they're PINK. Sorry, any pink footwear is inappropriate for a ZA.
After that, a pair of gloves, again with a cuff long enough to fit under the suit. Bonus points if you get ones with studs or points on the knuckles, as this helps crush zombie skull in close-quarters combat. Art!
WRONG VERY RIGHT
Finally, your ensemble haute couture is completed by a motorbike helmet, because these completely enclose your head and a zombie isn't going to be able to bite through hardened plastic able to put up with hitting the road at thirty miles per hour. Preferably worn with the visor up when no revs are visible, so you can hear better. Art!
Probably able to nut people with it, too.
Advisable to wear a scarf around your neck, too, although the overhang is probably going to prevent any revenants getting close enough to bite. 'Probably' not good enough for Conrad.
I very much doubt there are any pictures out there that show anyone clad so, but Art and I will give it a go.
Halfway there
A decent compromise would be a biker's outfit wi
ANYWAY none of that is related, directly, to what I'm supposed to be wittering on about. Yesterday afternoon Your Humble Scribe decided to take a constitutional down to Royton (a.k.a. 'Lesser Sodom' in one of my blog posts) as the weather was good, sunny if a touch chilly.
I was told that nowhere would be open, it's a Bank Holiday because Queenie is being laid to rest and all the shops are shut as a mark of respect, most especially chains like the Co-Op.
'O well, I'll go anyway and prove you wrong.' I boldly asserted.
WRONG! Wraggs, the off-licence, was open, and that scuzzy-looking pub in the precinct - Art!
 |
| Sinister scene diminished in drama thanks to family in foreground |
Even the card shop, which opens at odd times, was shut. Nor was that all, because a little further on - Art!
The Co-Op absent staff and customers. They would open at 17:00. Conrad got there at 15:00 and wasn't going to waste two hours.
There was nobody around the Co-Op, and their car park was deserted, almost as if the zombies had gotten them all. No visible signs of blood, brains or bodies, just an eerie feeling of abandonment.
So I got the bus home**.
Time For More Astronomy Photography
To inform, these photographs are taken from a photography competition for young people (under 16) across the globe. Art!
Courtesy Peter Szabo
This is, of course - obviously! - a picture of the Moon. You ought to know thanks to capitalisation that this is Earth's Moon, not some wannabe elsewhere in the Solar System. Art!
The lunar 'seas' and major craters
A Big Win At The Card Table
Going back 82 years, Conrad recalls how Hitler, having conquered all of Europe that wasn't allied with him, wanted to have an armistice at least and a peace treaty at best with This Sceptred Isle, because it would be next to impossible to invade us and he wanted to be left alone to digest his ill-gotten gains. Art!
Herr Schickelgruber on holiday
I believe it was the Italian Diplomat Count Ciano who summed this up best in a quote, comparing Hitler to a gambler who had experienced a surprisingly big win at the card table and now wanted to end the game. Well well Osbert Sitwell, who else is looking to try and keep some of his ill-gotten games?
He'd better hurry up and start talking whilst 1) his wretched army still holds territory and 2) before the Ruffian economy falls over and dies. Of course it takes two to tango and Ukraine may prove a reluctant dance partner.
"The Sea Of Sand"
When last we left him, the Doctor was up to mischief with a canister and a camouflaged coat.
Remaining deep within the shadows of The Temple's interior, he braced the Webley on his left forearm, squinted down the barrel and carefully squeezed the trigger. A shockingly loud report echoed around the building's pillars, and the scarf-wrapped jumped under the impact of a bullet.
Sounds of alarm came from aliens all over the complex. Ignoring them, the Doctor squeezed the trigger again, aiming slightly above the canister of gas from the camping stove. This shot hit the trans-mat pylon as he intended, sending a brief scattering of sparks into the air - which ignited the vapours streaming from the gas canister. A tremendous bang and flash lit up the platform and the pylon, in the light of which the Doctor could see great chunks of crystalline material flying off the structure, revealing and damaging the complex apparatus beneath the protective layer.
Dropping the Webley and shedding grains of sand from his gluey overcoat, he raced to the rear of The Temple, leaping down the steps and onto the empty sands below, before dropping flat and crawling south-eastwards, towards those three separate buildings south of the trans-mat. Earlier, when the sun still shone into the site, he'd noticed that the excavators avoided getting too close to the walls of these buildings, leaving sand several feet deep around them. He needed to get to that deeper sand for concealment.
Truly a craft chap, the Doctor. Those bio-vores are going to regret messing with him!
Most British Thing Ever?
This is a constantly answered question on Quora - AVOID QUORA if you don't want to spend hours each day answering questions ranging from silly to profound - and there's an amusing one there, from a Briton working in a French film studio. The French hosts had set up tables of refreshments, and the Quoran went to have a chat with two of the visiting film crew who were also British. They whispered that they had secretly brought over 40 gallons of tap water, which came out of taps in London - apparently tea made with Parisian water simply doesn't taste the way it should. They then made the Quoran the best cup of tea he'd had in France. Art!
Finally -
Off to get lunch and borrow the fly-spray. My swatting has proven ineffective.
* This is how my mind works. Deal with it.
** Even they were running a Sunday schedule
No comments:
Post a Comment