Yes, This Is Still Conrad
You may well wonder, because normally Your Humble Scribe is castigating those very same compilers with all the venom of a black widow spider crossed with a cobra and a manchineel tree.
However, quite by chance they have managed to provide the Intro for today's blog, thanks to one word: "COLUMBIA"
Folks living outside South Canada of a certain age will remember this name with a shudder, because - Art?
No, you do NOT get a pictures of an explosion. Ghouls. The shuttle 'Columbia' broke up on re-entry in 2003, due to a catastrophic failure in one of the wings after suffering damage from loose insulation tiles.
Moving on to less unpleasant topics, the name itself is derived from Christopher Columbus, who discovered the New World, which (borrowing from a better and more imaginative author) has been widely regarded as a bad thing and made a lot of people very angry. Let's go through a few iterations of the word.
"District of Columbia": This is a federal district of South Canada and houses the city of Washington, itself named after George Washington, a traitor who rebelled against This Sceptred Isle who became the first POTUS. Lots of tourist attractions as well as politicians, so the former balances the latter. Art!
The Lincoln Monument and that obelisk that aliens always blow up
"Miss Columbia": For over a century South Canada was personified as a female in 'Columbia', because they liked a gender balance with Uncle Sam. The name itself had been associated with South Canada before it was South Canada and was a lawful part of the British Empire constituted a colony not a republic. Art!
Never argue with a lady equipped with a sword
It's noted that, after the Statue of Liberty had been put in place, Miss Columbia receded into the background as a political figure, because how can a mere mortal female compete with a lady 280 feet high? She did exist in another iteration which you will be far more familiar with, though. Art!
Yes, Lady Twinkletoes is the embodiment of Columbia Studios. Nor is that the only marque attributable to the lexicographical offspring of Christopher Columbus, because - Art, earn your coal.
Adopted as a name because they were established in the District of Columbia.
There are too many geographical places with 'Columbia' to list here, since if we did the whole blog would be this Intro. So let's pick one at random by writing them on the motley's carcase and throwing darts blindfolded until we hit one -
Say hello to Columbia Island, which used to be Little Pea Island until it was bought by Columbia Broadcasting System in order to build a radio transmitter upon it, whereupon they re-named it "Columbia Island". It broadcast until becoming obsolete in 1963 and has been privately owned since then. Yours for £10 million. Art!
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| The towering infernal |
There you go, as it used to be in the years between 1940 and 1963.
And finally we have the splendidly-named province of British America, to wit "British Columbia" and I can provide you with a map of same. Art!
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| BRITISH Columbia, thank you very much. |
O stop complaining, motley. Put a dab of antiseptic on them and a plaster.
Maliciously Complying, Maliciously
This one comes from South Canada, where it seems you can pay for a refuse disposal service; Conrad is unsure what the arrangements are over there, we here in the Allotment Of Eden have ours done by the council paid for out of local taxes. Anyway, our Original Poster worked with his brother as a refuse and waste disposal company. Art!
They were the only employees with the single truck. One customer had arranged to have a industrial-sized bin hired whilst they cleared out their garage, but failed to pay after the first week, despite the garbage men ringing, knocking on the front door and leaving notes. After the third week they took the bin, emptied it into the body of the truck, reversed onto the non-paying property and emptied the rubbish back on the recalcitrant's driveway. Then they re-attached their bin and drove off. Then they got their owed money via a debt collection agency.
"The Sea Of Sand"
As you should surely remember, the alien bio-vores who had recently revived were preparing to send an emissary back to their homeworld, to report on conditions they had found on Planet Earth.
Sorbusa gave the chopping hand gesture that signified approval. He stalked off the platform and over to Science Support One, giving the lead technician permission to activate the Trans-mat.
The warning siren sounded three times, and the twin pylons on the platform flashed a dull red three times. The waiting bio-vore vanished instantly, without any sound or light display.
Techncian Andoletri, the one chosen to go through the Trans-mat, experienced a bridf moment of nausea and vertigo, whilst his surroundings changed from the dry, dusty hot desert basin of the Infiltration Complex to the brilliant sunlight of Homeworld, less harsh under the twin red suns, and with a tang that he remembered from years - actually millennia ago - when he was sent to Target World Seventeen by Trans-mat.
Warning sirens sounded nearby as Andoletri turned to take in the vista. A huge grey building stood behind the trans-mat platform, which hadn't been there when he departed. To north, west and south the familiar barren landscapes rolled away, except that they seemed to lack even the emergency plantations that were being harvested when he was here. To the east lay the sea - and a peculiar-looking sea at that, choked with weed for miles and miles. Were those objects out there actual live people?
Andoletri isn't to know, but the culture on his Homeworld has changed drastically for the worse since he left.
Them Cultured Vultures
They're the ones who compiled a list of 25 Best Post-Apocalyptic films, which I'm going through and assessing. Some I'd disagree with, some I've not seen, some deserve to be there. Bring up the list!
"Twelve Monkeys" is a worthy entry here, one of Bruce Willis' better performances, and a tour de force by director Terry Gilliam. Thanks to the time-travel element you see the very beginning of the apocalypse as well as the end result. Art!
"Dawn Of The Planet Of The Apes" is another I've not seen. The previous franchise entry, "Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes", wasn't bad, though for my money I thought it over-egged the pudding of All Humans Are Evil. This sequel has been acclaimed critically so Your Humble Scribe may look out for it.
"Day Of The Dead" is frankly a disappointment, with a cast of humans so staggeringly stupid that they are outwitted by a zombie horde. And Bub. Say hello, Bub?
The film's smartest character
"Delicatessen" is great, a bonkers but madly inventive French film - Jeunet and Caro? - dealing with the inhabitants of an apartment block trying to cope with a chronic shortage of food in the aftermath of The Apocalypse, which smacks of realism to Conrad, who likes his food if you recall. Art!
Don't worry, he's fine
Hmmm Not Sure About This One
Let me show you one of the stranger Teuton aircraft types from the First Unpleasantness. Art!
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| The Gotha G1 |
I know, I know, it looks like one of those planes as used by The Vulture Squadron in "Catch The Pigeon" but it's real. It was equipped with twin machine guns and intended to tackle enemy 'scouts' as fighters were known at the time. It was not a success as it was too slow. Art!
Dick Dastardly in centre
Finally -
Hopefully those sandwiches have warmed up after being taken out of the fridge hours ago. Conrad cordially detests chilled sandwiches.
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