Some Contests Are Inherently Unequal
A CV33 versus a Matilda, The Comsat Angels versus U2, a stickleback versus a pike - all egregiously biased one way or another. So too is the equation "Car versus tree" because, if we're talking a mature deciduous that probably weighs a couple of tons and has a root network that extends out for thirty yards both vertically and horizontally, anything travelling at less than ninety miles per hour and massing less than two tons which impacts said tree itself is going to be the loser. Art!
Tree 1 Car 0
Thus we come to our Darwin Award Wannabe of 2020. I must caution all those who dwell beyond the shores of South Canada that the local news station URL cannot be viewed by non-South Canadians; I know because I've tried umpteen times and only ever get an insincere-sounding apology on their webpage. Dog Buns yer eyes, WKBN news! Art!
Actually this picture isn't bad, thanks to Google and Snip, and shows (I think) the later crime scene. Our story begins when the un-named female driver discovered her car door wouldn't close and lock. Rather than delay her journey by taking it to a 'shop' for remedial repair work, she decided to 'double-down' and improvise a means to keep it shut. Which she did by -
- holding it closed with her hand. Since this is South Canada we are talking about, she'd be holding it closed with her left hand, whilst driving with her right, and - again assuming South Canadian driving habits hold true - she was driving an automatic, so no need to bother messing about with the gearstick.
Splendid! Hooray! South Canadian improvisation saves the day! This is the spirit of the people who rebuilt the White House after we Brits burned it down.
Except no.
More like this, I'm afraid
You see, she either forgot to put on her seatbelt or decided to forgo it, because what can possibly go wrong?
Falling out of the car is what can go wrong. She ended up injured on the roadway whilst her car continued on and into the (rather modest) tree shown above, upon which incident various neighbours appeared, to enquire what was going on? Our doughty protagonist ignored their requests for information, got back into the car and drove home, hoping that it was all a bad dream
Alas no. Examine that second photograph closely. You will see that she left her car's front bumper AND HER LICENCE PLATE behind at the crime scene. With this evidence the cops were able to track her down, charge her and also take her to hospital. WKBN, the local news affiliate, thoughtfully left her name out of their coverage. Sheila Laura Anna Mercer?
Probably a close relative of hers
Bear all this in mind when driving, folks, because unless you are behind the wheel of the Triphibian Tactical Tree-crusher, you will always come off worse.
CAUTION! poor gas mileage
Now, can the motley do better than a car versus tree, if we give it a stout helmet and fire it from a cannon? Let's find out!
Let's Be Cheaty
Yes, it's time to once more answer the questions that "The View From The Turret" put up on 22/06/2021 and which Conrad has already confessed to being pretty useless at. It's because I specialise historically in the First and Second Unpleasantnesses, you see, whereas TVFTT covers several thousand years. Okay, bring on the first question.
Q6) Was the South Canadian M8 'Greyhound' armoured car used by the Teutons in the Second Unpleasantness?
A) Conrad would say "Yes" because the Teutons were acquisitive little goblins, who would seize and use anything they got their hot sweaty hands on. Art!
This is an M8, unarguably in Teuton service, complete with a rather sullen-looking crew. This brings us to the issue of Teuton "Beautepanzer" which were acquired from other nations, usually after being blitzkrieged into surrender - a whole other topic that would take weeks to cover.
I'll give myself a mark for this one.
Q7) Which British general was given the nickname "Gentleman" in the <shudders> American Revolutionary Unpleasantness?
A) General John Burgoyne, it seems. Before his involvement in horrid military matters, and afterwards, he was a very successful dramatist, and was enough of a gentleman not to pen an apology about his military career in South Canada. Well well. Art!
John, doing his Dennis Price impersonation
Q8) Which South Canadian general was known as "The Reluctant Warrior"?
A) Conrad can only guess at this one, but would have to say one of the less capable and dynamic Union generals in the American Civil Unpleasantness? General Hooker or similar?
General Mcclellan
He was a bit of a plonkoid. When he outnumbered his opponents four to one, he imagined them outnumbering him by two to one. If it was possible to run away, he ran, at the very head of the retreaters. One of those generals who are immensely reluctant to risk their ever-so-precious hide. The Union got rid of him in late 1862. O if only he had been around in the Revolutionary Unpleasantness!
Conrad Is ANGRY! O SO ANGRY! EVER SO ANGRY!
For yes, we are back on Codeword solutions once again. SIT BACK DOWN! I've got a rant to get through, which you can just put up with. Once again, whose blog is it? Precisely.
"NEXUS": I wouldn't have brought this up were it not by coincidence also the name of one of my favourite comic book series, as created by Rude and Baron. Art?
I have a partial collection, which I ought to go tabulate and correlate, because it's about time I completed it and then read it end-to-end in order.
O - and yes, Codeword compilers BAD! How many people out there have a collection of these comics and can thus solve the problem? Not many I bet.
Now for
Finally -
Yes, I bet you didn't anticipate the sweet relief of Conrad's Frothing Nitric Ire being brought to an abrupt conclusion, did you? We're stopping here as otherwise the blog would be 5,000 words long, 4,000 of those being a violent tirade about Codewords that would risk bringing MI5 to the front door. We have quite enough to worry about with those nosy parkers UNIT and Spectrum without bringing in more snoopers.
See you tomorrow*!
* Zombie Apocalypses and Robot Rebellions permitting
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