Ah, Forgive An Old Punster
I bet I can tell what you're thinking at this juncture - "O he's going to go whanging on about "Lord Of The Rings" and that bit where the Nazgül attack in the Prancing Pony" -
The Nazgül: making a fashion statement
WRONG! Go back and read that title properly, it says "Park" not "Dark". For Lo! we are going to finish off the story of Kaspar Hauser. You may recall that I'd spoiled it for the conspiracy theorists, because DNA proved he was an utter nobody, unconnected with any aristocratic parents as gossip would have it. Not only that, he would suffer Mysterious Events when he thought people were getting bored with him, as with Red Flag Number One.
RED FLAG NUMBER THREE: He managed to 'accidentally' shoot himself in the head, although not seriously wounded. The gunshot was heard by police who were guarding the house he lived in, and whom naturally came to investigate. He claimed it was an accident, because he couldn't obviously blame a non-existent assassin this time, not with a pair of coppers standing at the door. The suspicion is that he was practicing for another Mysterious Event. Art!
RED FLAG NUMBER FOUR: Kaspar came lurching home one night in December, claiming to have been stabbed by a mysterious stranger in a park (see? today's title). Nobody else ever saw this assassin, rather tellingly. The wound was deep enough to lead to DEATH a few days later, and the autopsy surgeons were convinced he'd actually stabbed himself. You remember Red Flag Number One? where the supposed assassin had merely scratched him with a completely harmless and superficial nick to the head? The consensus is that Kaspar wanted this stabbingly Mysterious Event to look like the real deal, and, not being all that competent at anything ever, he dug the knife too deep. Art!
RED FLAG NUMBER FIVE: After his case became a cause celebre, an English aristocrat offered a reward for anyone revealing the identity of his supposed gaoler for the first sixteen years of his life. Nobody ever came forward to collect it, not at the time nor subsequently, leading to the inevitable supposition that it was all smoke and mirrors.
Of course people will still "Ah - but -" because they have a book to sell or a script to flog. However, in the eyes of Konrad, Kaspar's Kase is Kracked*.
Motley! It was said that Ghengis Khan's mounted warriors went into battle wearing a silk undershirt, which deformed under stress but which didn't tear. This meant that arrows which struck them could be pulled out of the wound, presumably without killing them. So - here's a silk undershirt ...
"Contra Mortui Viventes!"
Okay, we've looked at the Auxiliaries present in a Roman legion, and how effective they'd be at beating off the zombie hordes. It turned out that they could inflict attrition on the raving undead, rather than stopping them. So, what happens when the rotting meaty murderbags encounter actual legionaries? Let's have an illustration of what a legionary looked like circa 0 AD. Art!
Let's break this down. I know the more astute amongst you will be pointing to those bare legs and shrieking "AHA! Visible weakness, Conrad, visible weakness! O so vulnerable to zombie bite attack!"
Well, NO. You see that large shield-shaped device that is, in fact, a shield? That would be held to the fore, protecting those naked legs from injury. In real combat, the legionaries would charge their foe and attempt to knock them flat with that shield, because it's that robust. Nor would they be doing that solo; the rest of their maniple would be doing the same thing, and once a zombie's on it's back, a quick poke in the cranium from a gladius and that's all she wrote.
Gladius Gladioli. Just so we're clear
Having effortlessly beaten you down on that one, I can predict your next objection will be those unclad forearms. Remember, the left forearm is completely protected by the shield, and the right forearm is going to be mostly behind the shield, too. Besides that, the Romans weren't stupid, and if they found that men were getting bitten on the arms and then turning MV, why - they'd either have tunics with long sleeves or issue armour.
As ever, I may be overthinking this ...
Not Sure Where This Came From
You know the Latin <hack spit> phrase "De Profundis" means "From the depths"? Well Conrad has an alternate for you: "De Vadum", which hopefully means "From the shallows". You see, I was listening to the adverts a-playing during "Murder She Wrote" and an especially daft one came on that began "This is your skin talking. I need something I've been missing -", at which Your Humble Scribe immediately responded "AMYL NITRITE!" because it amused me. Art!
The jungle that produces this beggars the imagination
Of course AN (better known as "Poppers") is inhaled, not smeared on the skin, Conrad suspecting that it wouldn't do your epidermis any favours if so applied. It's not illegal in This Sceptred Isle, oddly enough, even if BOOJUM! recommends giving it a very wide berth as the only drug we endorse on the blog is caffeine. AN will make you experience your brain going quaquaveral, just so we're clear.
"Sweet Home"
Your Humble Scribe is now up to Episode Six of this Korean post-apocalyptic horror drama and is pleased to see that a second season has been given the green light. Our disparate bunch of survivors have been forced to co-operate to survive, and to quarantine those who have become infected and who may turn into monsters AT ANY MOMENT.
I've not seen the television series of "The Mist" but anticipate a certain similarity. Art!
They're - waitforitwaitforit - attacking the block
Finally -
Bleurgh! It is unpleasantly clammy at present, as we sit sweating under leaden grey skies; MAKE UP YOUR MIND WEATHER! Either be cold and wet or hot and dry, don't try to mix it up.
Okay, we have hit the Compositional Ton, so I shall have to shelve that article about Italian Hand-Grenades Of The First World War. Sorry, I know you pine like the fjords for items like that, perhaps tomorrow.
O, and since I did mention it in passing, here's a picture of the much mulched Marmite peanut butter. Art!
Pip pip!
* Well, either the case is or I am.
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