Could We Please Have It Back?
This one is going to take quite a bit of background, which you ought to appreciate, you idle pikers. It might even broaden your horizons a little, which is always a good thing, as a narrow world-view leads to jingoistic excess*.
I think this line of creative intent/delusional rambling/channelling long-dead authors <delete where applicable> came about because yesteryon I was regaling you with accounts of the "Eldritch Theatre" of British America, a group of themed thespians who call Toronto home. Art!
Or, Tonto. Close enough.
Inevitably, "eldritch" is equated with H. P. Lovecraft, as he used this adjective once per page in all his fiction, and those who followed after him used it once per paragraph. So! Conrad's mind then ran along the lines of contemplating Ol' How, and all those short story collections and novels of his that I consumed as an undiscriminating teenager. Art!
Looking suitably saturnine
His work is (I think) somewhat out of favour nowadays thanks to his overt racism, which is probably Ol' How writing as folks at the time thought: not a defence, more an observation. Still, he conjured up pretty epic horror that has struck chords since the Thirties onwards. Central to his oeuvre was the conceit of "The Great Old Ones" whom have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ROLLING STONES thank you very much, as they are totally unrelated cyborg zombies. Art!
Cthulhu, post-party with a hangover. Puny human included for scale.
The idea behind the GOOs is that they once ruled Planet Earth eons ago, being worshipped by primitive Hom. Sap. as gods, until - ah - yes. A bit light on the detail here, but Conrad thinks they allowed their lease to lapse, and that was that. You know Hom. Sap., notoriously litigious, a Cosmic Restraining Order was immediately slapped on the GOOs and they've been festering in the inter-dimensional shadows ever since, looking for a comeback bigger than Guns 'n' Roses.
Of course - obviously! - Conrad cannot leave things lying there, as he now wonders about - O what's this?
Well well well, send me to Hampton Parva - here we see one of the staff at Duhm, De'Ath And Endall, legal representatives of the GOOs in their on-going contractual battle to retain control of Planet Earth. How have the mighty fallen, hmmm? resorting to legal counsel where once they would have destroyed a continent just to warm-up a little.
But of course Your Humble Scribe still cannot leave things lying as they are. O noes! If you recall Ol' Howie's writing style, it was very formal, and so, presumably, must be the language of the GOOs, as they have to be ever so pompous and self-important. I wonder - can we find an example? Art!
Ol' Howie (assumed appropriate) captioning: "Bwah-hah-hah, puny mortal fleshfest sacrificial offering! Expostulate in eternal agony as I consume your very soul!**"
21st Century legally-approved captioning: "Okay, yeah, dude, I was, totally giving him CPR and everything."
After all, we don't seem to ever get a direct quote from Cthulhu or his minions, in which case Conrad's conceit that he communicates in Thirties tennis-talk is entirely feasible, and is where we get today's title from.
"What ho, chaps! I'm here in the picturesque Scottish Highlands with my caber, all ready to do a bit of tossing. Or hurling. Sorry, a bit rusty in Human Colloquial. Got any Whizz-gee?"
That peculiar whining noise is Ol' Howie revolving in his grave at 1,279 r.p.m.
Motley! Go and inform the Mordor Tourist Board that they now have the second most difficult job on the planet.
Making The Great Old Ones Feel Nostalgic
Hmmmmm if they can feel in the first place. And if they didn't then leave behind irradiated lifeless cinders in space. For Lo! we are now onto the latest Astronomy Photographer Of The Year, because the list hasn't run out yet. Art!
"Saturn at it's best" by Damian Peach
I know, I know: "A marble with a hula-hoop". Except this particular marble is one billion miles from Earth, ninety-five times more massive and has those impressive rings, composed of ice and debris. At current count Saturn has over 80 moons, including Titan, the biggest moon in the Solar System and in fact a planet in it's own right.
KEEP WATCHING THE SKIES ADDENDUM! Conrad is quite certain the sinister aquatic invaders in "The Kraken Wakes" come from somewhere like Titan.
Right, better go rescue those chicken drumsticks from the oven and check the washing-machine is still mashing cotton.
Not to be confused with Cotton Mather. South Canadians may raise eyebrows in astonishment at this culturally-specific reference.
How Your Humble Scribe Was Entrapped By Dog
Whisper who dares, Conrad, who (hopefully!) comes across as the epitomy of awfulness and the very nadir of human compassion, is actually a great big marshmallow who detests gin and would rather go thirsty than drink pina colada. Art!
This is Edna Wunderhund, finally deposing the hated Laptop, and usurping it's place in the rightful scheme of things, Hooray for her!
Except this means I cannot reach the laptop, nor type anything. So - we shall just have to wait until the oven hits Gas Mark 7 and Conrad has a legitimate reason to deliberately disenfranchise dozing dog.
Matey Misses A Move
As you should surely know by now, Your Humble Scribe is able to generate content from bus posters, which are being updated for the first time in over a year. Most of them are re-circulating the same film posters, but there are exceptions, as with - Art?
Conrad is unaware of whatever their advert tagline is, which is rather an indictment of the advertising agency. Or - perhaps not. Adverts are not generally directed at nor created for an audience such as Conrad***.
ANYWAY the term "Starling" leads to an image of those flocks that used to mass over Piccadilly Gardens in Gomorrah-in-the-Irwell, back in the Eighties. What they could have gone with was "Sterling" instead, this being the specie of choice in This Sceptred Isle. STERLING!
Plus if there are problems, you can take them out with the L2A3 Sterling Sub-machine Carbine above (as seen gimmicked-about in various "Starry Warz" films).
Are we done? I jolly well think we are!
* This did lead to the mighty and wonderful British Empire, so it's not all bad.
** ' "Eternal" may be less than of infinite duration' - disclaimer apropos Duhm, De'Ath and Endall.
*** Good? Bad? Entirely indifferent? Only you can tell!
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