I Feel A Sense Of Achievement
For Lo! Your Humble Scribe has finally finished "Le Mort D'Arthur", taking advantage of his laptop's doing an automatic repair, which meant no distractions. It's not going to spoil things too much, I hope, to reveal that King Arthur finally croaks it on page 792, of an 804 page total work.
Kingy in his healthier days
Of course you know Conrad by now; unable to leave an issue alone if he thinks he can apply a bit of analytical vigour to it, and all the more so if it might get more traffic. So, get ready for pedantic hair-splittery and number-crunching, as only Conrad can manage*!
Okay. You might be aware that Sir Launcelot and Queen Guenevere had a bit of a thing going on, which that cowardly peach Sir Mordred goes crawling to Kingy about, resulting in Sir El going back to France and the country of France, specifically the town and castle of "Benwick", which sounds like a suburb of Carlisle. Kingy and Sir Gawaine (for there is immutable bad blood between him and Sir El) gather together an army of "threescore thousand men", which is 60,000 in decimals, and hie it over to France. STOP RIGHT THERE! Conrad, whilst not an expert on medieval warfare, knows enough to challenge that total right off the bat. Art!
More realistic
The size of an average English army in the Middle Ages might approach 15,000 AT MOST. Trying to muster an army four times larger would be logistically impossible, because all those men and all those horses (draught animals not merely knightly steeds) need to be fed and watered. The larger the army, the more latrines you need, and the greater risk of disease breaking out. Art!
Happy times
Then we come to - aha! so an alternative name for "Benwick" is "Bayonne", yup, that sounds more authentically French - siege warfare, since Sir El and his legions refuse to venture out from behind their castle walls. Thus Kingy subjects the castle and town to a six-month siege. STOP RIGHT THERE, AGAIN! Because the siege gets abandoned in early May, we know it therefore began in November. O no it didn't. You see, medieval armies went into winter quarters and didn't campaign in the field in winter, because the weather got so bad. More importantly, there was little food around at that time of year and if Kingy DID have sixty thousand men encamped at Bayonne, they would have starved in short order. Art!
Bayonne. Home of the bayonet**.
Conrad suspects you need to divide Sir Tom's figures by a factor of ten to get a more realistic result, because he's just ramping it up to sound sensational and boost book sales.
We haven't finished with this one yet. O no, not at all! For Kingy had asked his son Sir Mordred to babysit the kingdom whilst he was off in France with the army. Art!
Sir Mordred. Either thinking dark thoughts or wondering what's for supper.
Ah, I Love A Bit Of Schadenfreude
Or even a lot of schadenfreude. This is, as you should surely recall, the malicious enjoyment of other people's misfortune, as when it snows heavily and Conrad sniggers at the cars unable to get up Tandle Hill. For we are once again come to point and laugh at that fabled combination of dumpster-fire and trainwreck that is "Batwoman" on the CW channel. Art!
Batty. Close enough.
It wasn't broadcast last week because the Supper Bowl was on, and South Canadians would much rather watch a program about late-night snacking than a superhero homeless and unemployed ex-convict in a rubber suit. Who knew! The week before it had soared in viewership to 700,000, a significant number of those same viewers being reviewers, tuning in to tear it multiple orifices, taking a hit so that we don't have to.
"Taking a hit -" - Do you see wh - O you do.
Well, the unadjusted figures are in for Sunday's broadcast, and they are bad indeed. 507,000, or a drop of 28% and almost 200,00 viewers. Remember, after adjustment these totals have always gone down again, so -
One reviewer floated the possibility that "Batwoman" is in fact a tax write-off for the CW, which is also an explanation that Conrad inclines to. A third season has been announced, which begs the question as to whether there will be anyone left to watch it by the time it arrives.
A ham sandwich and a gun?
Talking Of Guns ...
Ah, you see how seamlessly I blend everything together? Like a gin and rhubarb smoothie.
Right, back to "The Magnificent Seven" - don't complain or you'll get even more tomorrow - and Conrad, rewatching a couple of clips on Youtube, was struck about how competent Steve McQueen looked when handling guns. In fact, according to malicious whispers, he was such a quick draw that co-star Yul Brynner refused to draw in the same scene, for fear of being the slower. Art!
Then, too, I recall his turn in "The Getaway", when he causes absolute mayhem with a shotgun, and once again he looks as if he knows this weapon inside out.
Well, it appears that he did have a bit of a background with engineered bits of metal that made loud noises and killed people, having spent three years in the Marine Corps.
Don't get me started on motorbikes ...
You What?
I don't know. Perhaps Conrad is too literal-minded, although he considers this a strength as it allows him to split hairs with pedantic elegance and flair. Or, maybe I lack sufficient imagination to make the intellectual leap required for an image such as that below. Art!
Why anyone would think the pairing of a young lady and a gigantic calculator as big as an armchair is a winning duo is beyond me. Is it on wheels? Does it need a car battery to power it? What if it was needed upstairs? And, how on earth is it associated with Valentine's Day? No, no, don't tell me, there's a fetish for that sort of thing - I've heard enough, go away now***.
Finally -
Conrad needs to get Shelli's address, since I said I'd forward on my copy of LMDA to her once I'd finished it, which means the overall book total in my Sekrit Layr has thus not increased, hurrah! It doesn't feature any unicorns, which are her go-to fantasy creature, though there is a dragon (it gets killed). O - that reminds me - Merlin must still be trapped underneath that mammoth stone. Probably long dead by now, it was in Book Four and you can only survive for so long by licking damp off stone walls. A cheerful thought to send you on your way tonight!
Okay, I admit, a trifle strained
* Good or bad? Only you can tell!
** Yes, really.
*** Last three words inspired by The Critical Drinker. Salut!
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