A Medieval Murder Mystery

NO!  We Are Not Talking About "Brother Cadfael"

Your Humble Scribe might have seen a bit of an episode of the television series, which may very well have starred Derek Jacobi, and has definitely read one of the books (author Ellis Peters), but cannot for the life of him remember which one it was.  Don't think too harshly of me, it was many years ago, I only read it once and then binned it.

Conrad validated!

    Here an aside.  The novel seemed to imply that the Bro (I know, I know, shockingly irreverent, that's me all over) had been a soldier, fighting overseas in Outremer, which you might know better as The Holy Land, before he took holy orders.  In fact ...

     

     I Googled.  Yes, he did fight in Palestine, and in France, and he only became a monk in his forties, meaning he'd seen a good deal of the world -

     But of course that's not what this Intro is about.  The "Medieval" part of today's title might have tipped you off that we're once again wallowing in Early Modern Romance in the shape of "Le Mort D'Arthur".  One must make mention that I have now reached page 720 and King Arthur is still disgustingly hale and healthy.  Perhaps he gets offed by a meteorite?  That would be a sudden end.  Or - struck by lightning?   Art?

CAUTION! Do not attempt during thunderstorms

     ANYWAY Queen Guenevere is throwing a feast for certain knights of the Round Table, including Sir Gawaine, whom is known to love apples, which means Queenie makes certain to include them on the table.  Unfortunately for Sir Gaw, also present is Sir Pinel Le Savage, cousin to Sir Lamorack, who was most treacherously slain by Sir Gaw and party.  We are not privy to the how, and are simply told that Sir Pin poisoned several apples in order to see off his mortal enemy.  The old "O look a flying saucer!" distraction, I suspect.

"I could murder an apple," said Sir Gawaine.  "Er - that is - I meant ..."

    Sir Pinel is, of course - obviously! - an utter imbecile, because of course - obviously! - someone else, namely Sir Patrise, eats one of the poisoned apples and promptly dies.  After all, there's nothing to stop anyone eating an apple before Sir Gaw, is there?
     The fallout from this is severe.  The twenty- four three knights all spring to their feet and Sir Patrise's cousin, Sir Mador, accuses Guenevere of treason.  This means she needs a champion to defend her, which is inconvenient, because (again!) she has driven Sir Launcelot from court.  King Arthur then states the joust will take place in two weeks time and if nobody turns up to defend her, then she gets burnt alive.

     Er, WHAT!?  Just like that?  Nobody bothers to try and fathom out the how and why Sir Patrise got poisoned?  Sir Gawaine, Sir Pinel, deadly enemies, hello?  How about searching those present for small bottles that are decorated with a skull and crossbones?  Interrogate the catering and kitchen staff?  Possible motives?  Does Guenevere have an alibi?  All these and many other questions are ignored.  Ah, but it all comes out in the wash, because the Maiden of the Lake, Nimue, turns up out of the blue a couple of chapters later and explains who the guilty party is.  Sir Pinel then legs it, and so far we have not heard of him again (with only another 80 pages to go).  Well, he has at least admitted his guilt for all to see.  Like I said, an idiot: what evidence or proof do they have that he is the poisoner?  "I was set up!  Framed!"
     Motley!  Would you like an apple turnover?

"Rapscallion"

You know Conrad by now: when doing the weekly shop his eyes are ever-peeled for a potential visual pun, and this week was no different.  Art!

Uncertain whether to drink it

     This is the result, and of course - obviously! - I had to know from where the word originates.  "Rapscallion" is a variant of "Rascallion", which in turn derives from the Old French "Rascaille", meaning "rabble", and may be founded on the even earlier "Rasque", meaning "Mud".  So you might say this is a tin of rabble-rouser*.

Modern Murder Mystery

We have gone on about inventor Dean Kamen a bit of late.  Surprise surprise, now we look at his dad, Jack Kamen.  Jack was a big name in comics, rather than medicine or technology, most famously illustrating EC Comics.  His roster covered crime, as well as romance, science-fiction and horror, so this item's title is accurate**.  Art!

"Too Much Coffee!  Only now can the sinful story be told!!"

     One of Jack's strong suits was drawing attractive women WASH OUT YOUR DIRTY MINDS! who kept their clothes on, thank you, because we're talking the Comics Code Authority here, and BOOJUM! being SFW.  Art!

Horror!  Mystery!  Crime!  Hairdos!

     When he left EC, Jack went on to do artwork in advertisements for a whole slew (or would that be a tranche?) of corporate companies, including Mack Trucks (they make trucks), Smith Corona (they make typewriters) and Playtex (they make lady's lingerie and NO you're not getting a picture).

      That's Jack beaming away with trademark pipe and pen.  Not surprising that he's in such a good mood, really; drawing attractive young ladies and getting paid for it.  There are better way to earn a living, but not many.

In The Land Of Oz

The Ockers have a habit of contracting proper nouns and, indeed, amending them out of all recognition to us, the rest of the world.  Would you have guessed that "Reggos" is an Oz contraction of "Registration plates", as found on legally licenced road vehicles?  That one's quite innocuous.  How about "Salties"?  Yes, it sounds like a variety of snack in a pack.  What is it in real life?  Art!

THE SALTWATER CROCODILE

     Therefore, if you see a warning sign that mentions "Salties", STAY OUT OF THE WATER.  Because being dead can seriously spoil your holiday.

Finally -

We don't really need anything more to add to the Compositional Ton, so I shall mention but briefly about "We Have Ways -" podcast last night, which dealt with the "Auxiliary Units" of the Second Unpleasantness.  They are one of the responses of This Sceptred Isle during the dark summer of 1940, when it was feared that Teuton Tourists In Tanks would be ashore any day.  Conrad is pretty certain that they feature in "Operation Sealion" by an author he can't remember, and there's another book by author Martin Marix Evans, whose title he can't remember (O! the irony), which second half is given over to an extremely detailed fictional invasion of Perfidious Albion, and, again, I think the AU feature in there.  I shall go away and do a bit of digging about this, gentle reader.

And with that, I declare us done!

*  Or, you might not.

**  Yes it IS!