I do so insist on making it clear that no, I am not considering poisoning the entire population of Greater Manchester; no, I am not building a thermonuclear warhead in the Lower Dungeon; no, I do not have sinister plans to get rid of those who annoy me in such a manner that they are never seen again.
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| Your humble, innocent scribe |
Which has only a slim connection to what follows.
My assertion is that, once you hit middle-age, as have I, your literary interests immediately turn to the Murder Mystery. Prior to Middle Age my passionate pursuit was Medieval Latin Romantic Poetry and then - okay, okay, I'm lying, it was science fiction and military history. Well, how else do you explain a sudden interest in the works of Dot Sayers and her hero Lord Peter Wimsey? Or that Nordic scribe Jo Nesbo and his hero, Harry Hole? who is cast from an entirely different mould than Lord Peter.
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| Jo Nesbo and his dark |Norwegian mind |
Nor is that all. I have, of course, read all the Sherlock Holmes short stories and novels, and have now proceeded to closely study their contemporary equivalent, "Elementary". By contrast I have also begun watching the television series "Father Brown" - yes, yes, of course I've read the G. K. Chesterton short stories. These two programs are a study in contrasts: Elementary is a contemporary, urban thriller with up-to-the-minute plots and technology-driven elements; Father Brown is set in the bucolic Cotswolds of the Nineteen Fifties, where a bicycle is impressively advanced technology and television is dangerously close to Things Man Was Not Meant To Know.
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| Kembleford: a seething hotbed of vice, greed and murder. And award-winning scones. |
Most recently I enjoyed FB episode "The Man In The Tree", considerably more than the chap in the tree enjoyed it, and was impressed by the use of a genuine steam train. They don't grow on - waitforitwaitforit - trees, you know. Imagine the preparation the production team would have to undergo in order to film the train itself, and it's interior, too. Though some of that would probably be built as sets. Would they simply film a steam train currently in operation, merely dressing it's local station as that of Kembleford, or would they arrange a steam-by to take advantage of the location?
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| Proving my point |
Because if the former, they'd have to go film there whenever they needed a station exterior, and if the real thing is off up in the wilds of Cumbria - well, hardly convenient, is it*?
Having given you food for thought, let us now move to the real thing. Art - get ready.
Comestibles**
As you may already know, Conrad has a fairly healthy appetite, all the more so when on a late shift, as he doesn't get home until 7:20 p.m. and then selflessly - selflessly I tell you! posts the latest BOOJUM! without so much as pausing for a sip of water over his parched lips, nor allowing the stalest of crusts down his gullet.
So, when it rolls around to time for tea, I am rather peckish, as the following may prove. Art? Now, thank you.
Not one to either gloast or blow mine own trumpet, this picture was actually taken by Wonder Wifey, although whether as a caution or a commendation is unclear.
"Bleeding Edge" By Thomas Pynchon
Once again I venture into the arcana of South Canadian argot and accountancy jargon. TP's heroine, Maxine, is an accountant, which accounts (sorry!) for the financial elements of what follows, and he's a bit of a culture-hoover, which is where the rest originates. Let the definitions begin!
"Altman Z": this is an accountancy formula used to predict the likelihood of bankruptcy in manufacturing industries. Very specific, isn't it? It also sounds more like black magic to your humble hack. Anyway, surprise surprise, it's a real thing.
| Robert Altman, bored. Hence, Altman ZZZ |
"CFE Lingo": what we are defining here - "CEF" = Certified Fraud Examiner and "Lingo" is slang for "language". Slanguage, if you like. Someone who pokes around in the books to look for cooks.
"Script Kiddie": An untalented computer hacker who uses pre-created tools to hack computers and networks. I say, that's really not cricket***.
"Netbus": A program for remotely controlling a Microsoft Windows computer over a network, usually done by the nefarious committing malfeasance.
"Leet": AKA "1337", from the hacker's alternative alphabet. A bit transparent, really, and supposed to derive from "Elite"
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| Close enough |
* Probably not to South Canadians who are used to travelling hundreds of miles to visit their next door neighbour.
** AKA "food".
*** Or baseball or basketball or any of those peculiar South Canadian games that involve hitting a spheroid with a stick.
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