A Study In Radioactive Cobalt Blue

Actually, It's Nothing Of The Sort
But "A Study In Scarlet" was already taken, and "A Study In Brown" is not only rather subdued and unexciting, it sounds far too similar to "A Brown Study" which is old-fashioned speech for being bored.  Which we won't be.
     Cobalt, incidentally, is the stuff that can get added to thermonuclear weapons to make them extra-specially deadly, as if they weren't sufficiently so already.  It becomes a radioactive isotope in the fusion detonation, which contaminates land for over 120 years before it becomes safe to walk about on.  And it makes a nice blue pigment.

Cobalt: the nicer version

     No, what we're going to be covering in some detail is - "Father Brown".  The BBC television series about a priest who is about as meddlesome as they come.  Inspector Sinclair no doubt echoes the sentiment "Will no-one rid me of this meddlesome priest?"
     Moving on, we shall be looking at the episode "The Laws Of Motion", which begins with a bit of bottled thunder, so to speak, as it involves racing cars of Fifties vintage.  Very definitely Fifties vintage, with their boat-shaped bodywork, and quite a few of them, too.

A Frazer Nash 1926 as raced by McMurray

One wonders what Health & Safety hoops the BBC had to jump through for this, because these things rattle along at a fair old pace:  Conrad confidently predicts carnage at some point*.  They're nothing like as fast as modern Formula One cars, of course, yet they have NONE of the modern safety features built-in, either.  The occasional shot from wheel-hub level shows a kinetic thrill that kind of explains why drivers do this: The Need For Speed.
     Oh, and there's a murder.  
     Then in quick succession we have two suspects, a confession and then two more suspects and - what this?!  Father Brown in jail?  Surely not!
     It all gets sorted out eventually, of course, and Inspector Sinclair, faced fixed in a rictus resembling a death mask, has to present Father Brown with a citation from the Chief Constable of Gloucestershire.  For those of you not familiar with the police heirarchy, this chap is a big cheese indeed, and not someone to be trifled with.  Hence the Inspector's rather sick look.     Not wishing to bash you over the bonce with Britishness - which should not be a problem as we have gifted the world both the crumpet and hovercraft - but we have further of the Father.
     I have no idea if Mark Williams (the Actor playing Father Brown - do keep up!) is Catholic or even religious, but he has to come across convincingly as a priest, because lots of those watching will be both.  Thus, amongst the credits we see a "Priest Adviser", no doubt advising on what robes to wear for what occasion, what Latin phrases to use and what constitutes the daily duties in a priestly parish.

Beneath this bumbling exterior is a mind as precise as a Swiss watch.

Kembleford's finest.  No - hang on -

     Then, too, there is a Police Adviser, because we are talking of the Fifties, after all, when police procedures and language were very different.  One particular aspect is that Capital Punishment is still in force, which means death by hanging (none of that nasty new-fangled electric chair nonsense here, thank you very much).  As Pete, a police acquaintance of mine, informed, when he started it used to be the form that you ended your reports with "I have the honour to be your obedient servant", which is very "Dixon of Dock Green".

Yes, that is a lot about Father Brown, but you also learned a bit about Doomsday Weapon Design, so that makes it okay.  Next!

One Happy Dog
If ever Conrad finds himself in need of gainful employment, he can always make ends meet by promoting himself as a Human-Shaped Cushion.  Here is a ringing endorsement from Edna:

     She was even happier when the cushion took her for a walk in the rain.  Easily satisfied!

Clerihew!
After insulting several different nationalities recently, I now turn the terrifying focus of fun on the English, who, frankly, have been responsible for a great deal of mischief across the globe.  So - 

The Black Prince

Was very fond of quince.

Especially when it came as a jam.

"The more quince," he said, "The happier I am."

     Not a fact you'll find in the history books.

No, Art, No!

Finally
Because we need a short article to finish, as the ones I have in waiting are quite long, we can once again rely on the Ruffians to provide something peculiar; "logic" and "normal" are two words I suspect are not often used by the natives.  Thus, behold!

Balloon Car "Volga"

     It does resemble a balloon, yes, although I don't see any wheels and it doesn't seem to have any bumpers, either.  Although if it did get hit by another vehicle I suppose it would just roll upright again, eh?


*  Do you see what I did there?