Furiously Fusilading Five Films

It's Like That Film-Cliche Itself -
 - where the hero, or selfish douchebag depending on perspective, exclaims to his other woman that "I never meant to fall in love with her!" to which might be appended that he managed to fall into the bed rather smartly.
     Which is all rather bye-the-bye*.  My painfully strained metaphor is that I didn't plan to spend a lot of time today blathering and bashing various films, it's just how things turned out.  The Film Reviews from Monday that got held over, then a review of one film I'd just finished watching, and then a FB trailer promoted by Richard, and an inspiring bus poster seen from another bus this morning.
     Don't worry, it's not all Conrad trying to be Mark Kermode, there is other scrivel to come.  First, mind, I've got to go make a hot water bottle as my fingers are stiff as pencils.
     That's better!  Now, let the motley begin!

FILM REVIEWS

In case you forgot, the film review rules for BOOJUM! are quite straightforward.
     1)  Take the title literally, especially if I've not seen the film
     2)  No checking stuff out on IMDB or Rotten Tomatoes.

     The Program: Good Lord, could you be ANY vaguer?  Doubtless this is an hideously un-necessary remake of an unspeakably bad South Canadian sitcom - BUT WHICH PROGRAM!?

Well?  Which is it?

     The Martian:  No he's not!  He is SO NOT!  He's a human on Mars, the end.
     Actually Conrad saw this at the cinema, and can recommend it, though it won't be anywhere as impressive on the small screen - you need sheer SIZE to appreciate those Martian vistas.

Well, it is a Martian

     Vinyl: Another bland, unhelpful single-word title - really, how is one supposed to satirise this?
     With an anecdote, one supposes.  A film with Gert Frobe, possibly a French comedy, where the hero falls foul of his girlfriend ("I never meant to fall in love with her!").  To get her own back she cooks all his vinyl records in a huge pot, reducing them to a black plastic slurry that she pours out of the window.  Conrad is unsure if this is actually feasible with vinyl.  Interesting experiment ...

Vinyl flooring
Close enough

     London Has Fallen:  Oh, has it, has it INDEED!  Well well well, that'll teach the snivelling Southern gobfrights a thing or two, the centrophilic rascals.  Plus, using words like "Fallen" implies the whole city's gone toes-up or rubble-down.  Whit whot what?   It doesn't sit in an earthquake zone, does it?  Really, Hollywood, at times you go much too far!

O Dolorous Day
Conrad stood and regarded the world from beneath his hood at the bus stop.  Pitch black, thanks to the solid cloud cover overhead, and chucking it down.  Though you could only tell when you saw it raining stair-rods in the headlights of passing ships.  Cars!  Sorry, cars.
     In The Electric Goldfish Bowl we had a splendid view of the rain-sodden city of Manchester.  

Kind of saps the soul, eh?

     "I feel like a trout," declared Conrad to the bright young things assembled for lunch.  "Not because of my pouty lips, no, rather because I know how it feels to live at the bottom of a pond."

More Films!

"Hardcore Henry"
An absolutely bonkers FPS POV film trailer cropped up on Facebook yesterday, promoted by my friend Richard - the darkly humourous Welsh one FYI - and described by him as "fun".  Certainly, if you run to non-stop action and unceasing violence.  You do?  Me too!

Henry.  See?  NOT the kind of "Hardcore" your dirty minds were expecting

     After watching the trailer it felt strangely familiar, because it was.  The film itself was funded in some peculiar Internet way by a short film called - and I'm afraid I have to censor the title to remain SFW - "Bad Mother******" which itself was non-stop and very violent, promoted by the Cracked website.  As a short film a considerable amount of time, planning and money had gone into it.  Hardcore Henry the result.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-badass-new-sci-fi-movies-you-can-watch-your-lunch-break_p2/

     That's the link to the Cracked article BUT BE WARNED!  There are swear words, and a few smutty jokes, and it's written in South Canadian to boot.

     Oh, okay, okay.  "FPS" - "First Person Shooter" - a games mode.  "POV" - "Point Of View" - i.e. you are looking on, not being looked at.  "FYI" - "For Your Information" and "SFW" -"Science Fiction Workshop" - eh?  NO! Sorry, "Safe For Work" - all skin covered up and no swearing.

"Kellys Heroes"
A war fillum from 1970, written by Troy Kennedy Martin, who invented "Z Cars" IIRC.  I have just finished watching it, with an all-star cast and a ton of character actors too, and plenty of authentic military kit.
     Unlike almost all other South Canadian war fillums, the soldiers in KH are mercenary rascals out for profit.  They aren't interested in fighting for Mom's Apple Pie or Old Glory - no, they want their share of $16 million in gold bullion.  After at least 3 months of being killed for a few bucks a day, one can cut them a bit of slack over this.  Donald Sutherland steals the show as Oddball, the hippy tank commander ever ready with pop phrases twenty years too early:  "Think beautiful thoughts, baby!" or "Knock it off with them negative waves, Moriarty!"
     I may come back to this in terms of the props and background.

Oddball.  You know he's right

The Tin Of Sin
Conrad bought a four-pack of tinned tuna** at Iceland last week because it was going cheap.  Wonder Wifey was not impressed.
     "It's not "No Drain"!" she raged, puce with anger.  Well, maybe a little annoyed.  Okay, okay, her voice rose in volume a tad.  There then followed a little lecture on how Not No-Drain Tuna Is In Fact The Devil's Work.
     Well, thought Conrad to himself, for he has long learned to be wise in the ways of dealing with wrathful women, I shall eat them - myself!
     Cue an hour later, when Conrad sneaks into the kitchen and opens a tin of tuna, noticing that it's not overflowing with oil, quite dry in fact, and My! isn't that ringpull nice and convenient, scoff scoff scoff, turns over empty tin -
     "No Drain" it states.
     Ooops.  I'd picked up the wrong tin.  Oh well, jaunty confession later followed, as did promises to pick up the right tin next time.

Aide memoire

     Oh, I know what you're going to say.  "Vinyl" is a television series, so yes, there's only five films here today.

* Or is it by-the-by?  
** Don't worry, they volunteered for the tin.