" - But There Are Lemons!"

I Apologise For My Subconscious
Really, it was in fine fettle this morning.  First of all it generated the above line as your humble scribe lay dozing, half-awake, at 6:10 a.m.  Not sure where it comes from, nor why, although it might serve as a poor catchphrase for a sub-standard television presenter on a terrible panel show.
     Then!  We had a terrifically exciting dream about a group of passengers stranded at the very end of a railway line, high above the ground on a trestle made of huge wooden timbers with no way to reach the ground far below.  Not only that, there was a runaway locomotive headed towards them.  O noes!  Would they live?  Would they die? Would I wake up before things were resolved?

Good Lord!  What else is going on in there?

     Fear not, gentle reader.  The two flat cars running ahead of the locomotive went over the end of the rails without touching anyone, and thanks to some constructive sabotage of the offside rails, the locomotive itself plunged from the tracks into the desert below.  To cement the cinematic feel of this dream, it even had an after-credits section listing the cast, who all lived happily after.
     Given that dreams are a conflation of symbolism, wish-fulfillment and playback of the day, Conrad admits to confusion about exactly why this dream occurred.

The Validated Fiction Of Mr. T. Pynchon
You cannot call the rubbish-tip skip* of Conrad's mind anything but comprehensively disorganised - see above for proof. There's really no telling what's in there, nor when it will turn, seep, surge or slither up.
     Take the "Tatzelwurm", which is German for "Worm with teeth" and thus not a creature you want to encounter face-to-face (or face-to-fang).  The Encyclopedia of Pseudo-Science states that it was believed to live in the mountains of Switzerland, Germany and Italy.  Perhaps seen, yet never proven, and definitely obscure.
     Yet!  It crops up in "Against the Day", that mighty tome by the modern Shakespeare, Thomas Pynchon*.  The Italians are tunnelling in the Alps and encounter Tatzelwurms.  Unlike the rather timid creature of legend, these worms are hostile.  When shot they disintegrate into green slime, thus answering the "Evidence?" question.

The 82nd Porcine Fighter Wing having trouble with worms

A Rare Event:  Conrad Crying With Laughter
It does happen! You'll have to trust me on this one, there were no witnesses and I'm far too vain to take undignified shelfies**.
     "What can this be?" I hear you saying amongst yourselves, and allow me to jump right in before you move onto the mocking second question.  
     Behold!

"I ate all the catnip and now I'm too stoned to move"

     I'm still sniggering at these even the day after.  Cat shaming photographs - the wave of the future!

Schiltrons
Perhaps I should have posted these under "The Theme Is "S", except it's my blog and I'll post what I feel like and when.  
     Having got who's boss around here sorted, let us proceed.  Conrad knew that "Schiltrons" were Scottish and military, and there his knowledge stopped.  A bit of digging revealed that these were medieval formations of pikemen, possibly up to 2,000 men strong.  "Merely" a circular formation, critiqued some of the commentators in their descriptions.  I beg to differ!  There is nothing "mere" about ordering 2,000 men about (probably in Gaelic, too), carrying a 15 foot spear into a circular formation without having them impale themselves, trip up, fall over, face the wrong way or be out of alignment.  You'd probably have to practice doing it several times over, too, to get it right.
     When you got it right - why then you had an unstoppable multi-ton Hedgehog of Death.

The traditional hospitality of the Scots.
Get the point?

Oooh!  Oooh!  Look What I Found!
I was poking about the back of the top shelf in one of our wall units, looking for split peas and not finding any, when I came across this jar:

     Cherry peppers.  From the label it seems that they're supposed to be red, and these had turned yellow.  They must have been up there for some time.  Anyway, the Best Before date is 30th June 2016, so we're in business.  I ate one of them and got a warm fuzzy feeling in my mouth, as the little swines are pretty hot for their size.  Not unspeakably so, yet you know when you've eaten one.

Gasp!  Quick, Don Protective Head Gear -
 - as the 82nd Porcine Fighter Wing is overhead.  It must be, the Foobs actually came up with a useful Suggestion!

Coats for dogs

     Conrad actually possesses a small dog, which goes outside for walks, and it is winter weather right now.  
     Well, I suppose with enough monkeys and enough typewriters ...



*  Except I enjoy reading TP.
**  I'm so street.