Arsenal

Yes Indeed
Ah - good.  The mysterious visitation of double-spacing that arrived yesterday has gone, meaning that your daily dose of drivel is at least more compact, if just as incoherent.

A 7.2" Howtzer, because double-spacing is, frankly, dull.
Spike Milligan crewed one of these in the Second Unpleasantness

     Actually the above photo is relevant, because I am talking about the Royal Arsenal at Woolwich, which might have constructed the howitzer or the shells it fired.  This arsenal had a history of over two hundred years, grew to cover over 1,000 acres and had a staff of 80,000 at it's peak.
    You might also have heard of a football team called "Arsenal", originally called "Woolwich Arsenal", whose team came from the ranks of the factory staff.

The Royal Arsenal's gates

 - but that's football, which interests Conrad not a bit.
     Next!

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay
Yes, Conrad can still extract a few droplets of comedy from the barren, dessicated carcass of this film.  I don't think any more is due, we'll let the film die a lonesome, unloved death.

More haughty than mocking

     "What is that bird, Conrad?" I hear you cry.  "It's not a Jay."
     No - but it is - wait for it - a Mockingbird.  Sadly none of the species begin with the letter "J", but this one does have a certain monochromicity, so (reaching a little) we might well dub it a MockingGray.

"Compline"
Once again I have to apologise on behalf of Oscar, my memory, and the odd stuff he throws up in that septic soup known as my mind*.  Today this word popped up as I trudged to the printer.
     What is it?  Well might you ask!  It is the last service of the church day.
     Of course it derives from Latin** - "Completorium", meaning to be complete.

"How are you, Dick?"
"Can't compline."

The Screaming Voles
Ah, my favourite band from Chipping Sodbury***!  Once again their lead singer changed his name for the album that culminated in a European tour - "The River Vole-turno".  Band spokesperson Biff: "By this time Tarquin had changed his name so many times he'd lost track of what he was calling himself, so we invited fans to come up with a name, and he chose "Boxy Inflected".
     The stand out track was "Trumpet Vole-untary" and here's a verse:

Wicked as Weasels!  Wicked as Weasels!

If you lot were artists

We'd come slash your easels!

Wicked as Weasels!  Wicked as Weasels!

     Conrad should point out here that he has long championed the weasel and they are not really wicked, more kind of misunderstood and in need of a cuddle.

I Googled "rabid weasel" and  - this.

How To Upset Mark
That's Mark at work, the hilariously droll chap from Durban who is a cricket fanatic.  Conrad needed to clear up a technical point about cricket, and since he knows - can you go into minus percentages?  Because that's how much I know about cricket - I needed a bit of inside information.
     "I say Mark, are you free for a minute?"
     "Hmmm?  Yes - what is it?"
     "Would you really be able to kill someone with a cricket bat?"
     <imagine the sound of surprised silence>
     "Yes, certainly ..."

                                                Hmm.  Don't look that lethal to me!

Of Course I Jest!
Whilst doing a little cleaning in the darker corners of my mind, what did I come across but the peculiar phrase "Clicky Ba'".
     This is term used by Chung, as he cannot pronounce "cricket bat" properly, although he can manage pretty flowery speech elsewise, so Conrad suspects comic effect.
     Who is "Chung"?  Why, none other than the aide and helper to William Sampson, who is also known as "The Wolf of Kabul".  Chung, you see, wields a cricket bat as a lethal weapon - Clicky Ba.  Sampson is "Stab Man" or "Knifey Boy", performing deeds of derring-do on the North-West Frontier and armed with only two knives.
     You don't believe me, do you?

I think he just blew up a tank - with his bat.
Must ask Mark if you can knock out armoured vehicles with a cricket bat ...

Confusing English
Thank you, dear work colleagues, for not asking why Conrad burst out laughing today.
     I happened to be reading an article about My Still Anonymous Employer^, and a Cabinet Minister who was making a presentation:  what was her title?
     "Minister for Modern Slavery"
     Yes, quite.  
     Of course, this actually means "Minister against Modern Slavery", but that's English for you - confusing.

Minister for Modern Savoury

     Since this is getting perilously close to both Politics and Current Affairs, BOOJUM! makes a 180 degree turn and dials up  "Mach 22" on the Velocimeter -

You What?
Imagine, taken out of context, you were to be read the following:

Shea, Sal, Illipe

and Kokumi Gungi

     Sounds like characters from a Kipling story, an offshoot of "The Jungle Book", doesn't it?  

Author, poet and baker - the man was multi-talented

"Watch out for Kokumi Gungi, the cunning, the sly, the krait that lurks in the grass and undergrowth ..."
     No!  Nothing of the sort!
     They are all vegetable fats as used in Cadbury's "Matchmakers".

Alas for Kokumi Gungi, he encountered my little friend Rikki-Tikki-Tavi

*Feel free at any time to jump into the comments and defend me.  Really.  Go on.
** Eeevil Latin, the zombie language.
*** <Mister Hand cruelly shatter's Conrad's fond memories by pointing out that the band ARE NOT REAL and DID NOT EXIST!>
^ You have probably guessed who this is by now but I am not going to co-operate and confirm or deny anything!