NO! This Is Not About Ruffians And Their Kleptocratic Regime
This Intro was sparked by a question posed over on Twitter - none of that "X" nonsense here - about "If you were a villain, what villain would you be?", to which people have appended various GIFs denoting whom they would be. Art!
Hmmmmm nope
Not for me. There is absolutely no question about Darth Vader being an epic protagonist, but Conrad wouldn't choose to be a cyborg only able to function thanks to a breathing-mask. Also, DV began with good intentions, and he does redeem himself right at the end, SPOILERY BIT HERE IN CASE YOU ARE ONE OF THE 17 PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN THE FILM, dying in order to save his son, Luke. So he's not totally evil. Art!
The very epitome of a moustache-tweaking miscreant
For those of you who have never seen this bloke, he's the chief villain of the "Wacky Races", always indulging in skullduggery to try and win the race. Conrad wouldn't be him if the role came with an annual stipend of £10,000 and free room and board; Dick is utterly inept. He manages to achieve defeat when success is 99% guaranteed. He turns the art of Bodge It Until You Dodge It into performance art under the heading "How I Learned To Lose". Art!
General Leslie Morshead Ming The Merciless
Hang on, what's happening with these subtitles? Art - have you been at the cooking sherry again?
<sounds of Tazers being used. A lot.>
Yes, well, Ming is another dictatorial idiot, whom allows a single Earth human to completely up-end his planetary empire. It takes real skill to lose an entire planet's worth of subjects, serfs and slaves to a single blonde football player.
This trio is merely an illustration of what Conrad wanted to explore in more depth, which would probably take several million words to thrash out in the detail it deserves SIT BACK DOWN! we're not going that far. What I wondered is the question Mitchell And Webb asked on their sketch show of the Teutons of Second Unpleasantness vintage: are we the bad guys? Art!
Yes. Yes, you are.
So, my question is - did Sauron think he was the Bad Guy?
Ol' Tolky put it to critics and readers that Sauron had good intentions initially. What he wanted was Order In Middle Earth, except he was going to be the one deciding what constituted Order, and he was going to impose it regardless of what other people might think. This is not a whim or fad; Sauron (can't think of an apt short nickname for him) had thrown his lot in with Melkor, a.k.a. Morgoth, when the latter rebelled against the established order of things waaaaay back in the First Age. Morgie got cast into the Outer Darkness after being defeated in war, but Sauron, displaying a talent for survival, escaped and went into hiding. Art!
"Sauron scorned optometrists"
This skulking lasted for half a millennium into the Second Age. Probably feeling that nobody left alive would remember him, Sauron openly came to power in Mordor, created the One Ring and attempted His Thing of assuming total power over all worldly dominions, unlimited rice pudding, crush the lesser races, all that jazz. He was going to have Order even if it meant depopulating Middle Earth! At this point he had probably lost sight of his original goal and was harping on about having absolute power. Yes, well, you know what they say about absolute power.
At this point a Third Force makes an appearance: the men of Numenor came to aid the beleaguered elves of ME, making an amphibious assault landing and smiting the armies of Sauron, much as the South Canadians did in Korea
The bampots then captured Sauron - and allowed him to live, which, rest assured, is not a mistake Conrad would make. For one thing, his lust for Order Above All was not one whit diminished, and he possessed all the native cunning he'd demonstrated as a lieutenant of Morgoth. Because -
I think we need to take this up at a later date. Art!
More Goth
"Sweet Home Season 2"
Conrad has just finished watching S2 of this Sork drama, and is looking forward to a final Season 3 that resolves all the plot holes, ties up loose ends and delivers a satisfying end. Art!
HOWEVER. There, that word again. In the final couple of episodes we see the old Haunted House trope being beaten to death in front of us AGAIN. What do the soldiers sent to the hospital do once they arrive? Why, they split up, thus reducing the available firepower and number of eyes. It does not end well for them.
Missiles And Money
As you may be aware, the infrastructure of Ruffia is falling apart. One particular commentator on Twitter explained that the services and utilities of Ruffian towns and cities have not been updated in the past 50 years, because all the funds were stolen of technical difficulties. The Putin regime's spokesperson, Peskov, went on record bloviating about this and that. Art!
The Poles, it would seem, do not like Peskov. 97 out of every 100 Poles would gladly see him in the dock at the ICC, if not harnessed between the shafts of a rickshaw. That's how much he and Ruffia is liked.
ANYWAY Conrad, Your Humble Scribe, Commented on Twitter about his hypocrisy. This seems to have struck a chord. Art!
In fact the total cost of missiles Putin expended earlier this month totalled well over $1.5 billion. Meanwhile -
I think that sign means you get ₽40 for every pedestrian you run over. I could be wrong, but - this is Ruffia we're talking about.
"City In The Sky"
Arcology One is getting ready to carry out an excursion. Mission profile? To hit the Australian Bight with a whacking great rock from space.
Silent so far, an ailing Christos Abramovitch fiddled with his Tab. He could see one reason for using an orbiting
rock to make a big hole in the ocean – it wasn’t an artificial missile. He took the existence of these un-named
aliens as a fact, given the evidence that had accumulated so far, and these
infiltrators wouldn’t know for certain
that a giant rock had been deliberately
aimed at them thanks to human intervention.
They might suspect, but they wouldn’t have proof.
‘Anything that wrong-foots these genocidal monsters is a good
thing. We still haven’t successfully
landed anyone Downstairs from this sphere and until we deal with our hidden
enemy we never will. I say we go, as
soon as possible.’
‘Me too,’ added Emilia. ‘We can’t
put this to a vote, half the crew are either sick or looking after the
sick.’ She looked at Barclay. ‘Ready to go?’
He looked fierce before surrendering to a hacking cough.
‘Our first flight will have to be the test one if we’re in a hurry. I’m ready to go.’
‘Ace?’
‘You betcha!’ she said, making an elaborate salute.
You can count on Ace if there's mayhem to be made. A Riot Grrrrl to her bones.
Winnie The Pooh Boo
If you want to get arrested in The Populous Dictatorship, merely compare Emperor For Life Xi with Winnie The Pooh, because Xi is incredibly sensitive about being a big fat biffer. So is Conrad, except I can't send you to a prison camp for being unflattering.
ANYWAY, Xi, and by extension the rest of TPD's political infrastructure, is deeply unhappy at William Lai being elected President of Taiwan. Art!
Anything that makes Winnie The Pooh unhappy is to be celebrated with no provisos, so I am going to raise a glass of Strawberry Gin to Mr. Lai.
There are those who worry about TPD attacking and invading Taiwan. Come on, their bezzie mate Putin has a common land border and cannot triumph against a far smaller opponent. What chance does a honey-eating bear have across 100 miles of open water? Recall, if you will, that the English Channel is but 26 miles wide.
Finally -
Better go box up that Sunday Stew!
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