A Cabin In The Woods

NO!

This is nothing to do with that film of the quite similar name, that I haven't watched and know nothing about, apart from it being a horror movie, and there's a cabin, and - you may be ahead of me here - it's in the woods.  But of course.  I mean, a cabin in the centre of Gomorrah-in-the-Irwell (it's raining heavily here) would be bizarre, not scary.  Well, it does allow a bit of a clickbaity picture.  Art!

Your Air b'n'b - with anti-gravity!

     This tale is one of those posted on Youtube from Reddit, where a minor start turns into an epic worthy of Homer, and yes I mean the Greek poet not yon chap from that television series.  First, imagine a South Canadian house with a large backyard pool.  Art!

     Next, imagine an Original Poster who loathes his two sisters, their husbands and their demoniacal offspring.  Add in a poolside barbecue, have The Evil Sisters And Spouses all be drunk, and TESAS's three kids running around with no parental supervision.

     What can possibly go wrong?

     The TESASTKs decide to run up to people and push them into the pool, because they are the offspring of TESAS, whom think this is tremendously funny.  Hubris, mate, hubris.  The implings then rush at OP, who sees them coming and dodges out of the way last minute, meaning they all three run straight into the pool.  Everyone bar the TESAS think this is hilarious as the little pieces of excrement wail and flounder in the water.  Art!

     What makes it even more amusing for OP is that the kids had been using their parent's phones to film the proceedings, both phones now sitting at the bottom of the pool.  Predictably TESAS are exceedingly wrathful that - um - not entirely sure about this - that OP didn't just let the kids push him into the water?  They rant and tant at everyone and GREAT BIG SURPRISE nobody volunteers to get their phones out from the pool.  One of the male TESAS is so drunk that, whilst arguing, he trips over and uses his head as a blunt instrument on the poolside flags, at which point OP and wife leave.

     This kind of behaviour is why OP hates his TESASFKs and he and wifey only attended because his mum bullied the wife into it.

Remember this

  First of all, Face-Hammer BIL needed to get his face stitched together again, and since he was barely capable of standing, OP's dad got the chore of driving him to the "Emergency Room", as the South Canadians call it.

     Next day, the TESAS begin a group chat that slanders OP, his wife and his parents, so OP blocks them.  Mum is not amused.  Next day Mum orders the TESAS to attend her house again and apologise to OP via phone, which they do, rather reluctantly and not at all sincerely.  OP unblocks them.  All done and over with, right?

     You are so wrong.  And naïve.

     

Remember this?

     Unsmashed Face BIL texts OP, informing him that he's going to be paying the $5,000 for both mobiles -

     - at which point OP blocks him, then forwards the text to Mum and Dad and says that's it, No Contact with TESASFK from now on, and neither OP nor his wife will be attending any event they're at.

     This seems to have sent Dad over the edge, because he rings the TESASFKs up and forbids them from ever bringing their kids round again.  This is the equivalent of having them collectively sit on a cactus, as Mum had regularly been used as a free babysitter.

     Oooops.

     Not only that, informs Dad: you can no longer use the vacation house, because it's actually OP's property, he bought it and allowed M & D to use it (there!  A Cabin In The Woods explained!).  Art!

Step into my parlour ...

     That cactus?  Now being used in lieu of toilet-roll.  The TESASFKs, you see, used it on a frequent basis for themselves and parties of friends.

     We're only beginning the madness that is A Cabin In The Woods, so I'll call a halt at this point or the whole of today's blog will be nothing but the TESASFKs and ACITW.

More MacGuffinry

For your information, a 'MacGuffin' is an artefact used to drive the plot of a film, which is inconsequential in itself.  Art!

Back when cigarettes were cool and manly

     Here's a couple of items from the webpages of "The Daily Beast".  Art!

     I can guess the function of the MacGee to starboard: an electronic scale for measuring very small objects, such as gemstones.  Allow me to peek behind the scenes and I shall elucidate.  Art!

Called it

     The bizarre device to port reminds me of that frightening Polish film poster for "Cabaret" and I don't know if we should reference it here, as once seen it cannot be unseen.  O go on then.  Art!

     Allegedly a toy.  Not a torture implement at all.  O well, reality can be boring at times.

I Did Wonder

As you should surely know, Conrad loves to grouse about the British weather and climate.  2024 got off to a good start with a bright, cold morning that became  progressively darker and more dismal, and today has been one of those days where you keep the lights on all the time.  "What a disgustrous day!" I opined to myself when looking out of my Sekrit Layr.  Well, it appears that there is a reason for the torrential rain and lowering skies.  Art!

"The River Irwell got a bit choppy"

     Actually that's an utter lie, this is Newhaven Harbour in Sussex.  I had you going for a moment, though, didn't I?

     The culprit is Storm Henk.  I thought we'd only just had a storm, Storm Gitta or somesuch?  Whichever, it's stormy whether it's Gitta or Henk.  Do you see wh - O you do.

"City In The Sky"

Cease the disease come the pleas -

      This bizarre message made no sense to Ace and it was lucky that Davy transcribed it onto his electronic notepad for later recall.

     ‘I’ve got to organise down here so this is all in your hands, Ace.’

     She stared at the minute speaker.  What?  What was the Doctor raving about now!  If all these people on Arc One were ill, had he contracted their illness himself, making him babble nonsense?

     ‘Professor, what the bl-’

     Before she could finish her coarse question, the speaker emitted a continual and unpleasantly piercing high-pitched squeal that ended all radio communication from Eucla, then and afterwards.

     Davy looked at the device with astonishment.  Someone was jamming the broadcast from Downstairs!  His disbelief about alien infiltrators dropped a quantum level.

     ‘Okay, what the devil was that message about, Ace?’

     The young woman shook her head in worry.

     ‘Davy, I have absolutely no idea!’

     The Director looked at his shoes, then at the occupied clinic beds.  That Smith man compressed a great deal of intellect and ability into a small physique, he didn’t talk nonsense for it’s own sake and knowing that there existed every possibility of being cut off with every passing second, he’d not babble meaningless chatter to his contact aboard the arcology.

     Of course - obviously! - I know what it means.  But I'm not going to tell you.  I'm horrid like that.

More Bad News For Harry Hamster Head

Chipmunk Cheeks, in case you were unaware.  His annual address at New Year was less than four minutes long and never once mentioned 'War' or 'Ukraine' because if he doesn't mention it then it doesn't exist.  Not only that, he looked more akin to Max Headroom that Peter The Average, giving new life to the claims that he's actually dead.  Art!

Dimya

Max

     O yes, the item.  Here's a headline he won't be happy with. 

     So much for This Sceptred Isle resorting to eating squirrels out of desperation.  Yes, that was their line last year.  There were a few very amusing Comments in there. 

U

Reply posted by ubercurmudgeon, today at 17:57ubercurmudgeon

17:57

to richard

ubercurmudgeon replied:

Heat evaporates more water from the oceans. That water has to go somewhere. In the North Atlantic, that somewhere is Wales.

     No!  You cannot call the residents there "Whales".  That would be too cruel and mocking.

Finally -

Better get those pistachios chopped up for the icey cream.