BOOJUM!: Interview With A Vampire

NO! That Is Not A Typo

<finger twitches dangerously near the Remote Nuclear Detonator> You are, of course, mistaking what Conrad writes for what you thought you read. Remember your exam paper and being warned to answer THE QUESTION not what you THOUGHT the question was. Art!

Haardest-working bloke in showbiz

Here an aside. Hey, I did wait for one paragraph. Thomas Mapother Cruise III gets work in Hollywood because he has a terrific work ethic and never commits less than 110% to a film.

ANYWAY let us return to our bonkers Romanian gypsy folk tale, which, you ought to remember, is titled "The Vampire" which kind of spoils the surprise, because you know when young Sparky showed up sporting cock's feet, there was going to be a distinct aura of the living dead around him. Except that we've moved on to Nita, you remember, who was buried under an apple tree.

And he came home and showed it to his father and mother. Then he took and put it in a vase at his bed-head where he slept. Then the flower arose from the vase and turned a somersault, 2 and became

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a full-grown maiden. And she took the lad and kissed him, and bit him and pulled him about, and slept with him in her arms, and put her hand under his head. And he knew it not. When the dawn came she became a flower again.

In the morning the lad rose up sick, and complained to his father and mother, 'Mammy, my shoulders hurt me, and my head hurts me.'

His mother went and brought a wise woman and tended him. He asked for something to eat and drink. And he waited a bit, and then went to his business that he had to do. And he went home again at night. And he ate and drank and lay down on his couch, and sleep seized him. Then the flower arose and again became a full-grown maiden. And she took him again in her arms, and slept with him, and sat with him in her arms. And he slept. And she went back to the vase. And he arose, and his bones hurt him, and he told his mother and his father. Then his father said to his wife, 'It began with the coming of the flower. Something must be the matter, for the boy is quite ill. Let us watch to-night, and post ourselves on one side, and see who comes to our son.'

Night came, and the prince laid himself in his bed to sleep. Then the maiden arose from the vase, and became there was never anything more fair--as burns the flame of a candle. And his mother and his father, the king, saw the maiden, and laid hands on her. Then the prince arose out of his sleep, and saw the maiden that she was fair. Then he took her in his arms and kissed her, and lay down in his bed, slept till day.

And they made a marriage and ate and drank. The folk marvelled, for a being so fair as that maiden was not to be found in all the realm. And he dwelt with her half a year, and she bore a golden boy, two apples in his hand. 1 And it pleased the prince well.

Then her old sweetheart heard it, the vampire who had made love to her, and had killed her. He arose and came to her and asked her, 'Nita, tell me, what did you see me doing?'

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'I didn't see anything.'

'Tell me truly, or I will kill your child, your little boy, as I killed your father and mother. Tell me truly.'

'I have nothing to tell you.'

And he killed her boy. And she arose and carried him to the church and buried him.

Conrad has heard of werewolves, and wererats, and even werewhales, but has not yet encountered a wereflower. Things seem to be quite rosy after the king and queen discover that Nita is the night-fairy being hairy-scary. Of course young Sparky cannot have failed to hear about the prince marrying Nita, and because he is both disgustingly jealous and nosy, he has to go sticking his beak in. Nita seems to be lacking in both imagination and maternal feelings, because it would have been ridiculously easy to state anything along the lines of "Well I saw you cut up a turtle and a heifer and boil them in a brass cauldron to make stew, except you left out the garlic for some reason."

"Jack foolishly entered the pod into his local Market Produce competition!

Closest thing to a wereflower I could find at short notice.

Another thing Conrad finds a tad mystifying is a vampire's reluctance to face garlic because the vegetable is used in tons of Eastern European cuisine.

Another Short One

You need an item of some brevity after the monster item above. Art?

Conrad is entirely unsure what the Dog Buns these things are - who knew banana trees had flowers*? - but has seen the tin gracing the shelves at Morrisons a couple of times and was curious. Next batch of stew I make you better believe it's going to get flowered. Art!

And Now Let's See

Back to "The Sea Of Sand" and, as you should surely recall, a load of piratical British and Commonwealth soldiers had turned up at the Mersah Martuba depot, looking for resupply. Sarah Jane Smith, unable to help her better human and humane nature come out, goes to help.

The insults were carried out in a manner that said neither party really felt motivated enough to hate the other properly. Sarah rolled her eyes and strode forward.

Isolated, and splendidly so, atop a pyramid of petrol drums, the Doctor looked south-east and rubbed his chin. Passing soldiers looked at him with curiosity.

“The Place of Demons.” Why call it so? Because people considered the site haunted. As an ultimately rational empiricist, the Doctor dismissed the supernatural as due cause for the site’s reputation.

Disappearances. Mysterious vanishings without trace. Not predicable, nor regular, or there would have been nobody left at the dig. Yet sufficiently noticable for the site to gain a reputation over five thousand years ago, and retain it.

Why, then, would it have the – aha – yes, those twin pylons and their relative spacing.

They were a trans-mat system! A trans-mat system of exceptional size.

The Doctor stood up on the petrol-drum pyramid, feeling a moment of intellectual triumph. A whole series of observations and facts fell abruptly into place.

‘Oi! You! Get off them drums – what d’you think you are, a parrot on a perch?’ shouted a sergeant from below, having been told of the sun-stricken prof sitting on a stack of fuel drums.

‘A very good idea. Do you know where I can find Captain Dobie?’ said the Doctor, jumping down from his meditative platform.

Ah yes. Conrad had to stop using the phrase "In splendid isolation" during the Killer Cough Clampdown as people inevitably took it to mean he had the Coof.

Keeping You Illuminated And In The Dark Simultaneously

You recall? The BBC has put up a page of photographs on the theme of "In The Dark", so let us see what the next one is. Art!

Courtesy Bartek Biela

Nope. According to BB this is the 'Monastery Pitch' of Lost John's Cave in the Yorkshire Dales, only accessible by a rope descent and only for experienced cavers. Sorry nope again. Caving is quite terrifying enough without needing to descend via ropes.

O Lord Aloft Conrad Pleads Not

There's a horrid rumour going round that 2023's Eurovision is going to be held in This Sceptred Isle. You see, Ukraine won the recent one - well done them, that's one in the eye for the Tin of Pu - but the country is seen as unsuitable for holding the event, as the Ruffians are bound to interfere with cyberwarfare and missile attacks (if they have any left by then).

The thing is, Slava Ukraina! and all that, but Your Humble Scribe LOATHES Eurovision. Even worse, the city of Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell is being described as a potential venue.