If I Were To Say -

What Lies Beneath?

I bet you'd immediately jump to conclusions and think Conrad was talking about that cheesy horror film starring Harry Ford and Mitchy Fiffer.  Art!

One for the laydeez

     I have decided that he's going to be Harry Ford from now on, because having a surname as your first name is silly.  Any dissent will be dealt with by generous use of the Remote Nuclear Detonator.

     And NO! you slobbering perverts do not get to see Mitchy Fiffer - I have re-dubbed her too, as her proper name is too awkward to bother with - in the bath.  Remember, this is BOOJUM! with impeccable SFW credentials, if a less than stellar grasp of reality and logic.

     "Where's that bonkers Romanian gypsy folk tale?" I hear you complain.  "Has the fat old git been at the cooking sherry again?"

I can legitimately use the words "Michelle Pfeiffer" and "Topless" here <sniggers>

     Pausing only to point out that sherry is the Devil's sinus drainings and I would rather go thirsty and sober than consume it, I shall explicate.

     No, I am not talking about the film above.  I am referring to an item on the BBC's webpage that fits right in with our charter - astronomy.  Art!

     This, ladies and gentlemen and those unsure, is the Valles Marineris, an epic canyon that runs along the equator of Mars.  It's dimensions are truly staggering; 2,500 miles long, 20 miles across and 4 miles deep in places.  These images were taken by the Mars Express satellite, and the article finishes up with the line -

Mars Express has been orbiting the Red Planet since 2003 learning more about its atmosphere, surface and what lies beneath.

     It transpires that there are ice deposits underneath portions of the canyon, presumably from back in the day when there was liquid water on Mars.

     Okay, now we've got that out of the way, NOW we can begin the bonkers be-telling that is -

"The Vampire"

If you recall from yesteryon, the vampire had returned to Nita and ordered her to tell him what she'd seen at the church.  Nita decided to play awkward and refused to tell him that she saw him in his grave, so Sparky killed her dad.  Way to go, Nita.

Next night he came back. 'Nita, tell me what you saw.' I didn't see anything.'

'Tell me, or I will kill your mother, as I killed your father. Tell me what you saw.'

'I didn't see anything.'

Then he killed her mother, and departed to his grave. Then the girl arose in the morning. And she had twelve

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servants. And she said to them, 'See, I have much money and many oxen and many sheep; and they shall come to the twelve of you as a gift, for I shall die to-night. And it will fare ill with you if you bury me not in the forest at the foot of an apple-tree.'

At night came the young spark from the grave and asked, Nita, are you at home?'

'I am.'

'Tell me, Nita, what you saw three days ago, or I will kill you, as I killed your parents.'

'I have nothing to tell you.'

Then he took and killed her. Then, casting a look, he departed to his grave.

So the servants, when they arose in the morning, found Nita dead. The servants took her and laid her out decently. They sat and made a hole in the wall and passed her through the hole, and carried her, as she had bidden, and buried her in the forest by the apple-tree.

And half a year passed by, and a prince went to go and course hares with greyhounds and other dogs. And he went to hunt, and the hounds ranged the forest and came to the maiden's grave. And a flower grew out of it, the like of which for beauty there was not in the whole kingdom. 1 So the hounds came on her monument, where she was buried, and they began to bark and scratched at the maiden's grave. Then the prince took and called the dogs with his horn, and the dogs came not. The prince said, 'Go quickly thither.'

Four huntsmen arose and came and saw the flower burning like a candle. They returned to the prince, and he asked them, 'What is it?'

'It is a flower, the like was never seen.'

Then the lad heard, and came to the maiden's grave, and saw the flower and plucked it. And he came home and showed it to his father and mother. 

     Hmmmm, one guesses that young Sparky has trouble forming long-term relationships.  Ted Bundy Charm School graduate.  Of course, once Nita is dead she is definitely not going to tell him anything, so I hope he's satisfied, because for all he knows she's left a long descriptive letter at a poste resante address.

     Then we have the apple-tree.  Will any old apple tree do?  Or should it have been a specific one?  Did they bother with a coffin?  Did pre-Modern Romania have an undertaker culture that did, indeed, utilise coffins?  Or was it just a case of sling the corpse in a shroud and dump into hole in ground?  So many questions!

     Then we have the idiot princeling.  DUDE, DO NOT PLUCK MAGIC FLOWERS!  Conrad predicts this is going to end in tears.

Apple Tree Day is January 6th, honestly

Obscured By Clouds Part 2

As you should surely know by now, Conrad was in The Dark Tower yesteryon for his final redundancy interview.  I could have stayed at home, it was done over Teams Chat.  The only upside was the banter derived from interacting with James, Tom and Charles - collectively The Naughty Boys - and Josh, O and the spectacular views from the 18th Floor.  Art!

     Behind that cloud curtain lie the high hills around Rochdale.  Later in the day the skies cleared up and you could actually see the hills.  Notice the alien robot mimicking a crane to port.  Art!

     Possibly a little difficult to make out thanks to flash and double-glazing.  What you see here is a rainbow, because the weather simply could not make up it's mind.  

Sea Here

Yes, we are back to upping the word count with more of my hugely lengthy fan-fiction "The Sea Of Sand", which nobody has bothered to critique, so it will continue to run here.  Just so we're clear.

‘Captain Jolyon,’ said Captain Dobie, in a flat and unexpressive voice.  ‘What do you want?’

          Captain Jolyon seemed not at all put-out by his fellow officer’s less-than-friendly expression.

          ‘Well, Captain Dobie, I’d like fuel for the vehicles, a check-over by our fitters, a few spare parts, a resupply of ammo, food and water for my men and our prisoners, ’ he answered in a brisk and cheerful tone.

          ‘Prisoners?’ asked Captain Dobie, blinking in surprise.

          ‘Thirty-eight of the rascals,’ agreed the other officer.  ‘Caught ‘em in one of their canteen roadhouses.  We popped-off the officer and a sergeant and the rest were obliging enough to put their hands up.’

          The words were said with a lightness of tone that belied their intent.  Her flesh crept slightly as Sarah realised “popped-off” meant “killed”.

          In the middle of the collection of piratical vehicles, a dust-shrouded canvas-backed truck disgorged several dozen soldiers, men in uniforms different to the ones that Sarah was now used to seeing.  British soldiers carrying rifles with fixed bayonets escorted the prisoners past Sarah.  She looked at them, seeing Mediterranean complexions, neatly-trimmed moustaches, shabby uniforms, worn boots and tired eyes.  Most of the prisoners exuded an air of resigned disappointment; most, but not all.  Some, feeling that their nationality imposed a responsibility to flirt, winked or whistled at Sarah.

          ‘Shut yer bleedin’ cakeholes, you Italian shower!’ snapped one of the escorts.  ‘Sorry, Miss.  As you were, as you were, you flippin’ Eyetie bleeders, or you’ll be sorry.’  To make his point, he kicked one of the prisoners in the pants, resulting in an angry tirade of Italian in reply.

     I've not censored 'bleeders' as I think it's too idiomatic and slang to offend modern-day sensibilities.  If you feel offended please let me know with a Comment, which will be soundly ignored.  Art!

A Bren Carrier, carrying a Bren.  Like it says on the tin.

A Very Short One

Conrad has been keeping this one in reserve, all the better to wow you with.  Art!

     Your Humble Scribe has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what this will taste like, I only got it because of the exotic design on the can.  Hopefully not flavoured with chocolate.

Finally -

We are well over the Adjusted Compositional Ton, so it only remains to say Thank You And Goodnight, and Conrad already knows exactly how he's going to pimp this item on Facebook and Twitter, O yes indeed!