Conrad: Perfectly Packaged Perverseness

First Of All, Wash Out Your Dirty Minds!
Not that kind of perversity.  Has it not sunk into your cereberally-challenged craniums that this blog is and remains SFW?
     No, I refer instead to my malicious delight in the malice and hatred of your my fellow man toward his fellow man, specifically as regards the Have Your Say pages on the Beeb's football pages.  A more wretched hive of scum and villainy you will struggle to find, which is a good thing, frankly, or I'd waste even more of my day reading comments that would blister paint.

The obvious metaphor

     Now, Your Humble Scribe knows next to nothing about football, except what he's learned from those very same HYS pages, but it is interesting to see certain themes crop up again and again over time.  These being -
1)  It's a BBC Conspiracy:  the BBC are outrageously and obviously biased in favour of Liverpool/Manchester The United/Manchester In The City (I may have some of these names wrong, I don't pay that much attention).  Not all three, just one - which type of conspiranoid nonsense kind of refutes itself.

Simply seething with - er - something.

     You will find commenters stridently complaining, for example, that there have been 5 HYS about Manchester The United which is evidence of this egregious bias, except that they post said complaint on one of those HYS.  Tautological reasoning.
2)  The Referee was biased: And the linesmen, too - though I have to say what they do is a bit unclear to me, though it involves running up and down with flags.  The fabric type, not paving stones (as you may be as unfamiliar with the ballfoot game as I).  Or, if not biased, both visually impaired and grossly incompetent.  Some commentators claim that Manchester The United's fall from grace happened when a particular referee retired.  Ah, the conspiranoid mindset at work!

Referee: less liked than Inland Revenue employees or traffic wardens

3)  A team "bought" a particular cup or title: By which the commentator means that Team X spent lots of money on ballfoot players, and have also been successful in winning the <thinks> Stirrup Cup.  This omits the bits in between, when ballfoot games need to be played and won.  The assertion sort of ignores this entirely, as it's possible to spend swimming-pools of cash buying players who are rubbish.*

An average ballfoot player's weekly wage

4)  Team Y are cheats: Conrad is on rather shaky ground here, as this is where things get technical, but there are constant allegations that Team Y's players hurl themselves to the ground at the slightest opportunity, as this <magical process happens here> and they can kick the ball directly at their opponent's goal, whilst all around are stilled.  This behaviour is known as "Diving", and goes well with the swimming-pool analogy above.  There is a video technology in the offing ("Video Assistant Referee") that will allow referees to examine such behaviour minutely, which some commenters are both rubbing their hands and licking their lips about, since they forsee Team Y's success take a dive itself.

Referee either worshipping at ballfoot shrine or using VAR

5)  It's all a fix: An even bigger conspiracy theory!  The FA, who appear to be some big cheeses operating at the top of the money and ballfoot tree, only want certain major clubs to win, because - er - ah - because it will keep the North Atlantic Oscillation in being?  They therefore fix all the match results in advance, by utilising their Reality Amender, or some such MacGuffin, ensuring Team Z win the Stirrup Cup and the Primer Lergie.  

Sponsorship deal?

     There you go, food for thought and an example of how the conspiranoid loonwaffle thinks when in it's natural environment.  I have not listed the numerous spelling mistakes that are also a regular feature of comments; this is because some people are so enraged that they cannot type properly or read clearly, some do not speak English and some are just bampots.
     Now, motley, we're going to stick you next to F1 starting grid as the flag goes down and see it you can hop your way to safety!**

     Ooops.  That Intro has taken up nearly the whole of today's first post.  I guess that's a consequence of working up a good head of creative steam, so to speak.  One does tend to get carried away.  Let us now change the subject to -

"Admiral Kuznetsov"
From ballfoot to aircraft carriers, see how Conrad deftly changes subjects.  I did mention that the Ruffians were using Beluga whales equipped with cameras to snoop around underwater in their naval ports, and then threw in the above-named ship, with a touch of mockery.  Art?

The A.K.

     This is because if a human like you me was aged thirty-four, we'd still be young, carefree and still fairly limber.  Not so with a naval vessel.  The AK is 34 years old and shows it, being so knackered in mechanical and reliability terms that it always puts to sea with a giant ocean-going tug, for when it breaks down.  Art?

The embarrassing truth

     The Kremlin has been so ashamed of this antediluvian monster clunking along, emitting mountains of black smoke and looking like a relict from the Thirties, that the AK went in for a major overhaul and refit last year.
     At least, that was the plan ...

Free!  Free At Last!
I gloated a little early on Friday about it being my last day of dog-sitting.  Thanks to a horribly complicated series of unfortunate events - hmmm, you know, that sounds like - anyway, it transpires that Wonder Wifey and Degs did not return until earlier this morning, at the relatively civilised hour of 08:45, with Tales of Trauma To Tell of Trunks (actually suitcases but I was going for alliteration).
     Thus it was that I still had to get up at 05:30 to feed Edna and allow her out to do her business.

Back when both were cute

     Dog Alarm Clock.  I shan't miss that.

*  There is a sub-set of this where these players are named, if not shamed.
**  We tied it's shoelaces together.