Let us begin by abruptly changing tack and informing you that Conrad has been doing his homework, an hideous task that he tackles so that you don't need to. No, nothing to do with plotting world domination - that's on for next week - at least not world domination by me.
No, I am continuing in my viewing (usually) cheesy old black and white sci-fi films from the Fifties, and today I completed watching "Devil Girl From Mars". Art, can we have a poster, please?
 |
| Sheer quality, eh? |
Quite a bizarre little film, which has proved fruitful in terms of criticising it. Firstly, the titular 'girl' is rather long in the tooth for such a noun; secondly, it ought to be "Devilish" as her appearance is entirely human, it's her behaviour that might cause one to frown. That poster is misleading, as there is only a single spaceship. Not a bad design, either.
The 'Venus' part of today's title comes from the vampish alien invader Nyah, who seems to have gone in for the Tarty Night-Club Alien Invader look. Art?
 |
| Unwise for the season |
Her invading spaceship makes an emergency landing in the Scottish Highlands in winter, because a bit fell off it. Well, so much for that supposed alien superiority in every way ...
Oh, the 'Mars' bit of the title is because she's from Mars, where there has been a fearful war between the sexes. Rather than burning their bras, the women of Mars cut loose with thermonuclear weapons - you know how females over-react - and killed off all the males. This seems to be a spectacular own-goal. Tell me again, how are these aliens so superior?
Then we have Nyah's - er - robot. I will show you a photo if you promise not to choke yourself laughing. Art?
This thing would seem to have been modelled after the Flowerpot Men. Note to designers; when your Alleged Deadly Killer Alien Robot waddles, you're in trouble. An Alleged Deadly Killer Alien Robot ought to Stride Commandingly, or Strut, or even Swagger Menacingly - but never waddle. That's for ducks.
Then we have Nyah's - er - robot. I will show you a photo if you promise not to choke yourself laughing. Art?
 |
| Oh my! |
This thing would seem to have been modelled after the Flowerpot Men. Note to designers; when your Alleged Deadly Killer Alien Robot waddles, you're in trouble. An Alleged Deadly Killer Alien Robot ought to Stride Commandingly, or Strut, or even Swagger Menacingly - but never waddle. That's for ducks.
What's that? You were expecting a moderation of adulation for the sixth studio album from Wings, which also happens to be called "Venus And Mars"? Pah! I don't believe it for a minute - get out of here!
Okay, time to coat the motley in molten syrup and then rotting cabbage leaves!
Okay, time to coat the motley in molten syrup and then rotting cabbage leaves!
Dog Buns!
I haven't deployed the Official BOOJUM! swear for a while, so here it is.
"But Conrad!" I hear you queasily quibble - too much turkey, eh? - "At this time of sweetness and light, joy and goodwill, Bailey's and <burps> turkey, how can you be so curmudgeonly?"
What can I say? It's a gift.
Art? Present some The Goon artwork, smartish!
I just bought what may well be the last The Goon trade paperback, and a dark tome it is indeed. That's it with Eric Powell's creation - some tales are grim indeed, including this one. Except it's No. 15 in the collection - and I only have up to No. 13, meaning -
I've missed one out. Nothing left to do but dash to Forbidden Planet on the way home and beg them for a copy.*
BOOJUM! Reviews Films
I know, I know, I've already reviewed DGFM, but that was an in-depth look at a film that may not warrant it (my classic coda for these reviews is "Of course, I may be over-thinking this ..."). Whereas contemporary film reviews amount to a sneering casual dismissal, hopefully with a bad pun or two involved. Oh, let me elaborate our rules: 1) we shall be entirely arbitrary, capricious and generalising 2) we go off the title and that's pretty much it except for 3) these rules may change at any second if we feel like it.**
"Molly's Game": Is she? Judging from the colour palette here, they're going for Dark and Serious, so this is probably about backgammon and making a living by being a professional player. Then again, isn't a Molly a kind of fish? Perhaps it's about the dramas and conflicts present in the world of LITHIUM WAFER BATTERY DES competitive swimming. Sounds positively ho-hum.
"Ferdinand": No! Nothing about the assassinated Archduke Franz. Regard the colour palette in this advert - must be a kids animation. About a bull.
Resisting the easy (and NSFW) retort that springs to mind, Conrad can guess that there will be a jive-talking sidekick, a feisty female and an evil human. The tagline is "You'll BULLeive -" Well, here's hoping that when we next encounter Ferdinand (ANNA LOOK AWAY NOW!) he's a fine selection of chorizo and a leather jacket.***
And with that, having cemented my reputation for Horrid, I shall take my leave. I haven't deployed the Official BOOJUM! swear for a while, so here it is.
"But Conrad!" I hear you queasily quibble - too much turkey, eh? - "At this time of sweetness and light, joy and goodwill, Bailey's and <burps> turkey, how can you be so curmudgeonly?"
What can I say? It's a gift.
Art? Present some The Goon artwork, smartish!
 |
| The Goon, in typical fightin' stance |
HORRORS!
I've missed one out. Nothing left to do but dash to Forbidden Planet on the way home and beg them for a copy.*
BOOJUM! Reviews Films
I know, I know, I've already reviewed DGFM, but that was an in-depth look at a film that may not warrant it (my classic coda for these reviews is "Of course, I may be over-thinking this ..."). Whereas contemporary film reviews amount to a sneering casual dismissal, hopefully with a bad pun or two involved. Oh, let me elaborate our rules: 1) we shall be entirely arbitrary, capricious and generalising 2) we go off the title and that's pretty much it except for 3) these rules may change at any second if we feel like it.**
 |
| It's how we roll. (Do you see - O you do) |
 |
| Swim, Molly, swim! |
Resisting the easy (and NSFW) retort that springs to mind, Conrad can guess that there will be a jive-talking sidekick, a feisty female and an evil human. The tagline is "You'll BULLeive -" Well, here's hoping that when we next encounter Ferdinand (ANNA LOOK AWAY NOW!) he's a fine selection of chorizo and a leather jacket.***
 |
| Not so much "believing" as hoping ... |
Later!
* The possibility that they don't have one IS TOO TERRIBLE TO CONTEMPLATE! so I won't
** Get used to this, it's how the world will work in future. Or it will when I'm running it.
*** Heh.
** Get used to this, it's how the world will work in future. Or it will when I'm running it.
*** Heh.
No comments:
Post a Comment