The Doors

This Will Only Work If My Phone Updated Properly -
And it has!  Conrad is always mightily suspicious of his mobile phone - all mobile phones, in fact, not merely his - as the probability that they are all in the service of Satan stands strongly to the fore in his mind.
     Anyway, let us prod Ace out of his favoured residence, the septic sump, and tell him to provide the picture.

Both doors

     These particular doors were fitted a few years ago, replacing the original sliding door that we inherited when we assassinated the previous residents moved in bought The Mansion.  I doubt if I have a picture of the original, but in the interests of veracity, let us trawl through BOOJUM!'s history -
     <this may take a while; go put the kettle on>

     Nope, no trace, as they got replaced years ago.  Allow an example - Art?

Similar

     The thing was that, with age, these sliding doors didn't slide too well, and they refused to lock unless you managed to jiggle the lock in a peculiar fashion and physically lifted the door up and down, too.  It could take several minutes to lock them from the outside, and because they were so old, there were no spare parts available to replace them.  Eventually, fed up with having to wax the runners and then clean them a week later, we got NEW DOORS!  Which work brilliantly, thank you O'Rourke Windows.  
     What's that?  You expected a long and detailed critical discussion of the first album released by Los Angeles' finest, that band The Doors?
     No. Sorry.
     Let us now push the motley down the slide!*

An Early Christmas Present
Conrad has received, as an early gift, a pair of sheepskin slippers.  Wonder Wifey traditionally has trouble keeping anything secret beyond Christmas Eve, but this year she had good cause, given how unpleasantly cold it is, and your humble scribe having a bit of a cold.
     Here an aside.  It is entirely and absolutely a truism that a man with a minor illness is the most self-pitying thing on the planet.  "Bring me chicken soup!" "I ail, I ail - bring me my will and summon my offspring to my deathbed" "Call the London Institute for Tropical Diseases, for this affliction is surely beyond medical knowledge".  On the other hand, having bubonic plague would be shrugged off with "Oh - just a bit of a rash", or having a limb severed by shellfire on the battlefield "Don't be silly, I've not lost my leg - I can see it right over there."**
     Having ensured the enmity of all males across the planet, I would now like to show you the slippers in action.  Art?

     Hopefully the presence of bare skin won't trigger any internet filters.  Yes, bare feet - which makes no  difference as these slippers are so snugly-fitting that there's no gap for air to get in.

Flippers
No, not those webbed things one sticks upon the feet in order to maximise underwater propulsion!  No, I refer to the films and television series about a dolphin dubbed "Flipper", and perhaps Art can oblige us -

<chitters like Flipper>

     In fact there were 5 different dolphins that portrayed Flipper in the television series, plus one brought in specially to do the 'tail-walk', which is difficult for dolphins to get right.   And, there were 3 "Flipper" films, too, not to mention all the merchandising that got bought by sweaty-handed children.
     "Where are you going with this, Conrad?" I hear you asking.  "This doesn't end up with dolphins on a menu, does it?  Because that -"
     Cool your jets!***No, I was thinking about a new television variant on the old series, this time starring a Great White Shark dubbed <thinks>  "Finny".

I see mileage in this

     Just as in the original, Finny would be the - er - pet of the main protagonist, and he would help to protect the flora and fauna of a marine park, mainly by eating the bad guys.  That would both keep him fed and enforce the law, so we're on a win-win here.  I don't think it would get more than one season, since the number of bad guys, whilst not finite, would decrease once they found out what kind of guard-dog the 'Bloody Reef Marine Conservation Area And Wildlife Refuge Park" possessed.
     Now, I wonder - can you teach sharks to do tricks?  Better get in touch with the 'Sharknado' people.

"Kippers"
No, I am not talking about the smoked herring, which always reminded me of eating a mouthful of fish-flavoured wood shavings.  No, because I am unashamedly horrid, yet creative with it, I pondered about the commercial possibilities of a snack for dipping - made out of kittens.^  "Kitten Dippers" portmanteau'd to "Kippers".  Art?

Well!

     Looks like someone has beaten me to it.  Oh well, back to brainstorming.  


*  Backwards, upside down and blindfolded.  Just to make it interesting.
**  Actually said by a third party to the injured party during the Falklands Unpleasantness
*** See how I effortlessly adopt youthful argot?  It's a gift.
^ If Anna reads this I will be in BIG TROUBLE!