Lese Majesty

This Will Attract The South Canadians!
They really miss King George III, and you can tell by the way they devour any news about the Allotment's Royal Family.  Of course, this is a consequence of being inconsiderate enough to have a Revolution.

A Revolution.  Well, the wheel revolves ...

     I should explain a little, as the term "lese majesty" isn't used much in everyday speech.  It means to insult or offend the dignity of the state, especially when this involves the reigning monarch.  You can't count Elizabeth II at the 2012 Olympics, she spoofed herself there.  

Dammit, Art!  You can't trust that lad to get it right.

An example might be the Polish students who protested against Tsar Putin when he turned up in Poland, probably to see what territories he could lay his hands on*; they got arrested for insulting a foreign head of state.
     "This borders on both Current Affairs and Politics, Conrad," I hear you query.  "Which you are wont to say BOOJUM! avoids."
     Well, yes, with the proviso that I ignore that rule if I think a cheap laugh can be squeezed out of CA or P.
     "Plus, what or where is this lese majesty?" I hear your corollary.
    Patience!  We'll get to that.  In the meantime, here's a picture of a giant excavator.

No tasteless captions here.

The Fruits Of My Labours
You ought to be aware by now that Conrad test-drives his clerihews whilst walking the dog, by reciting them to Edna to see if she approves.  I think she does, although the constant supply of crunchy treats might also be an influencing factor.  Anyway, I try to have a theme for that day's rhymes, and today it was monarchy, hence my reference to lese majesty.  Hopefully the House of Windsor never gets to see these mildly critical lines, or it's The Tower for your humble hack.  Let us proceed!

King James the First's

Speech was the worst.

He put witches under the hammer,

Hoping to cure his appalling stammer.

     This reference to "James 1st" might confuse outsiders, as he was actually King James VI of Scotland before becoming King James 1st of England - I think there was a paucity of kings at the time.  

Watch it, witchy!

The bit about hunting witches is entirely true, and he wrote an 80 page book entitled "Daemonologie" about them.  He was not know to stammer, so his witch-hammering obviously worked.  That, or the English didn't understand his accent.

Good Queen Bess

Would have to confess

That she used makeup containing white lead.

This had quite a bit to do with rendering her dead.

     Not very flattering, yet quite accurate.  Oh, again for those not hailing from the Allotment, "Good Queen Bess" is Elizabeth I.  Ladies of the Elizabethan era used a makeup called "ceruse", which consisted of white lead and vinegar, yes lead the poisonous heavy metal, consumption of which is very very bad for you.  It was quite possible to kill oneself with over-use of ceruse.

Unhealthy lead!

Peter The Great

Liked to orate.

He visited Britain, but not Harrow,

And was awestruck by the humble wheelbarrow.

     Surprise!  In fact Peter preferred to be a back-seat driver, but doubtless at times he did the kingy-speechy bit.  The bit about wheelbarrows is not a comment on how backward the Ruffians were, simply that the wheelbarrow was unknown in Russia at that time.  

Gaze in wonder, Ruffians!

Peter and his entourage had a whale of a time, and did considerable damage to ornamental gardens, by whizzing each other about in wheelbarrows.

Marie Antoinette

Got people upset,

When she said people should eat baked goods

When they were suffering from a lack of foods.

     She might not have said this, but since I've commited the offence of lese majesty three times already, I think I can risk doing it a fourth.  "Let them eat cake" is the translated phrase.

Keifer Sutherland - FELON!
Going back to 'Mailbox baseball' again, this appears to have been a minor hazard before the year 1986, because that's when the film"Stand By Me" came out, featuring Keifer performing the felonious deed.

The evidence

     I realise he's now a major Hollywood player, but surely the statute of limitations hasn't run out for these offences?





*  Not much, Stalin got there long before him