You're All Dead But Don't Know It

Surprise!

Yes indeedy Ally Sheedy.  Conrad will elaborate a little further, after explaining that he was inspired by his creative ranting yesterday about Conspiranoid Loonwaffles, and how they are probably convinced that NASA is going to blow up Jupiter.  Or Saturn. Maybe both, these people aren't the most consistent in their worldview.

     Well, I qualified that paragraph with "probably" because I don't intend to waste time looking up what these people believe, not when I can mercilessly mock what they do believe.

     Hence we come to 'Planet X'.  Art?

Er - nice try, but no

     This is apparently a planIet many times the size of Earth that passed by so closely in 2003 that it flipped the Earth on it's axis, destroying all life on the planet.

     "Hang on," I hear you question.  "I'm still alive, and you're still alive to type this stuff out, and there's still electricity to power that laptop you're - what?"

     Yes by Jove, take a look at this terrifying post-apocalyptic landscape.  

A real tumbleweed moment

     That sere, barren wasteland covered with the ashy remains of seven billion human beings is all that remains of the planet and inhabitants.  Oh, no, wait a bit - we were wiped out in 2012.  No?  Okay, 2016.  No?

     In fact the Conspiranoid Loonwaffles will continue to 'predict' continual dates of Imminent Apocalypse until people get fed up with them.  According to them, Planet X is now so close - so close! - that it's affecting tides and earthquakes and volcanoes.  Although it would be clearly visible and probably as large as the Moon in the sky - somehow it's not.  I suppose the next explanation is that it's made of invisible super-string dark matter and all the world's astronomers are in on the conspiracy.

     Let's ask an expert, Philip Kendred Dick.  What do you think, Phil?

"Sorry.  Too kooky for me.  More a Roger Zelazny tale."

So Tomorrow

I go to the Job Centre in order to find gainful employment.  What I want is a job that involves reading military history books, drinking tea and being able to look things up on the internet on a whim.  Oddly enough none of the internet job searches I conduct with these as criteria have been successful.

     Of course I do have a riposte to the staff there who will undoubtedly chide me about obtaining said gainful employment.  Art?

     Well there you go.

     Whether this will prove enough to secure benefit payments -we shall have to wait and see, shan't we?

Perfidious Albion

Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to a cocktail, the Harvey Wallbanger.  Art?

Looks like orange juice

     Yes, OJ, another thing that I CANNOT HAVE!  Damn you blood sugar levels.  Of course, this cocktail has nothing to do with what follows.

     You may have, at one time or another, have come across a military organisation hailing from Perfidious Old Albion called the "Special Air Service".  Whilst they sound as if they deliver parcel post, they are actually quite the business, that business being all kinds of sneaky military activity.  For example, how do you enter a house in order to 1)  Rescue the hostages and 2)  Render the bad guys extremely dead?  Why you blow a wall in with an explosive charge.

     The thing is, whilst practicing this trick, the SAS sometimes demolished the entire target house.  This is a bad thing.  So they came up with what was laughingly called the Harvey Wallbanger.  Art?

Not available to those Under-18

     Harvey fires a plastic container of water at sufficient speed to knock a huge hole in a wall, after which the container has split apart and the water dissipated.  Cue entry of the SAS with their parcels, bad buys exit stage left.

"What?  Lend him out to the SAS?  I can't do that to my friend!"

Dancing Dogs!

Not Edna Wunderhund, of whom more tomorrow.  You can get her to do the waltz and the twist with the promise of a bit of ham or chicken skin, though of course that's not what this post is about.

     I refer to a designer sketch done by Darling Daughter.  Art?

A pair of partying pugs

     This used to grace the front of my locker, so it is now available to be stuck up somewhere at home.  

Finally -

Because we need a short article to get to count, and my effortless critical dissection of "Doctor Who" would be far too long.  Art?

     "Historical Superglue Accidents No. 23: The Top-of-the-Helmet Gag"