Conrad. Speedy Chap -

A Bit Of A - Wait For It Wait For It - Cheater
As mentioned yesterday, Conrad is out being disgracefully badly-behaved tonight, straight from work, and probably won't be home much before midnight.  That being so, he doesn't have any opportunity to create a whole post from scratch - even this bit has taken 12 minutes to assemble - and so he is going to cheat and post that from 13th May 2014 instead.  Ain't I a swine (as Bugs used to say).  To partially-redeem myself, I'm typing this in Times to differentiate it from the scrivel that follows:

The original title rhymed with the below but has been stripped-out by resposting.  Can I be bothered to go back and look at it?  NO!  No I could not.  Read it and weep (which, given the weather described, is wildly appropriate)

One Could Add, Hip-Hip-Hooray
     For why?  Because it was not all torrential rain and hailstorms!
     Mostly, rain and hail, yes, mostly, Conrad grants you that, but!  not all of it.
     And on the 13th of the month, too.  Why, what else could one ask for?
     No!  Winning lottery numbers and Kirsty Wark's phone number aside, it was a rhetorical question.

Kitty Hawk.  Close enough

"Kirsty Wark", FYI, is a rather attractive Scottish lady, a journalist and television presenter.  I apologise - a little - about being frightfully shallow but I have to keep my human camouflage up.


A Forensic Reconstruction Of The Crime
     As I mentioned on a Facebook post earlier, this morning I discovered a dead mouse in the back yard, planted firmly between the back door and the border where Edna Does Her Business.  Dead Mouse Wrangler = our she-cat Jenny, who positively delights in placing her kills where either 1) Edna will see them, go potty and eat them or 2) Dozy great human will place footed firmly upon carcass, resulting in many interesting scrunchy noises.
     Well, Conrad did not have his phone with him at the time - ensuring Edna emptied bladder and/or bowels had a much higher priority - so that dead mouse will never be - 
     - ah, but what's this?  CIS eat your heart out!

Bottersnikes And Gumbles
     No!  Not a high-end retailer of jewellery and gems.  Er - actually these creatures are imaginary animals from Australia.  The Bottesnikes are cruel, domineering lizard-like beasties that lord it over the pliable, hapless Gumbles - who have the ACME-like ability to squish into interesting shapes.

Obviously Marx was immensely influenced by the Bottersnikes, and the Gumbles.

     So, if an Ocker/Ozzie/Citizen of Australia or New Zealand proposes a toast to either the Bottersnikes, or the Gumbles, you won't freeze like a deer in the headlights and stutter:"Is it a cocktail or a Monty Python Appreciation Society?"

Hmmm.  Must have last read this 40 years ago.  Still a classic.

More Edna-dventure
     Conrad does not apologise for forcing Edna to work for BOOJUM!  Since she arrived the other Mansion minions have had to be confined to quarters, so Conrad has been forced to chase the postie, eat disgustingly-rotted roadkill and fend off Cuddly Piranhas himself.
     Some of the roadkill tasted pretty nice, though.  Perhaps a soupcon too much of diesel fumes, but you can't have everything.


A little salt, a little garlic - delicious hors d'oeuvres!
(I have ensmalled this a bit as it looks disgusting)

     Where was I?  
     Oh yes.  Walkies this afternoon - in a double-bluff Conrad outwitted the Weather Gods and got a good 40 minutes walking in between hail, rain and flaming brimstone.  Edna and I ventured to Thornham Lane, or, as we locals like to call it, "Thornham String Of Potholes In Linear Formation", when it's dry.  When wet it's simply "Thornham Stream".

Every pothole a pond, each gutter a river

Condensed Films
     Let us broaden our metaphorical media catchment area, gentle reader - that is, look at television not just films.  And, yes, today we have another theme, subtle and disguised though it is.

FILM                                                 FIVE WORDS

Steel                                                Little-known cult Marvel adaptation
Steel Magnolias                                  Danger Will Robinson!  Chick Flick!
Sapphire and Steel                             Atmospheric.  Creepy.  MAKES NO SENSE!
Real Steel                                          Robots Boxing.  "Robot Jox", downsized
Man Of Steel                                      About Superman, not Josef Stalin!

So - Tanks?
     Yes.  Rather tellingly, today we have an uncommon coloured photograph of the early days on the Eastern Front.

"Hello in there - do you want to transfer to submarines?"

     Three Russian T-34's have driven into a swamp, been abandoned by their crews and are now being picked over by Wehrmacht personnel.  One can hear the Nazi propagandists rubbing their hands at what opportunities it offers them:"Stupid sub-human Slavs in sudden swamp stoppage!"  One can also hear the German stubble-hoppers wringing their hands at what opportunities await them:"It's got a f****** huge gun!" "It's got f****** thick armour!" "It can almost skate over mud!  F***!" "Zulus, sir!  Thousands of 'em!"


And there we have it for today ...