Conrad's not even human, when it comes down to it, although he can do a great job of pretending in order to blend in. No, what I refer to is trying too hard and being just too clever for readers, who after all are only Hom. Sap.
Take tonight's title, for example. I was going to use "New Maps Of Hull" as the title, which is a horrid punning reference to Kingsley Amis's 1960 review of science fiction, "New Maps Of Hell". That's Conrad, ever ready to nick someone else's stature and kudos. Except how many people out there would be familiar with it? I've heard of it yet never read it, so how many of you will have?
https://www.amazon.co.uk/NEW-MAPS-HELL-Kingsley-Amis/dp/B000UV3XNK
A link, just in case.
You see? You see? The unseen struggles over artistic integrity that you never witness, lonely battles fought in Conrad's mind*, without recognition or mourning -
"Oh get on with it, man, 'Game of Thrones' is on soon,' I hear you chide. "What is all this painful prelude a preface to?"
A guide to the blog, actually. Let the motley begin!
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| Hull |
I didn't realise how much jargon, slang and completely fictional language BOOJUM! includes until I started to list it. There's quite a lot. Hopefully this collection will illuminate and educate adequately. It's not fixed in stone and will probably only get added to over time. Think of it, if you will, as a snapshot of Conrad's mind. You are quite welcome to Comment applaudingly on how clever I am.
"SCRIVEL": Portmanteau of "Scribbled Drivel" - what might be called the raw data that goes to make up the blog.
"BLOGORREAH": Portmanteau of "Blog" and "Logorreah", the latter being uncontrollable speech.
"GLOASTING": Portmanteau of "Boasting" and "Gloating", which your humble scribe - note 'humble' - never does**.
"SOUTH CANADA": America. Calling it this means Conrad can pretend 1776 never happened.
"SINISTERS": The Soviets of the unmourned Soviet Union. Since we do not do Politics here, I shall say nothing of Tsar Putin.
"POND OF EDEN": The UK. Given our weather, "GARDEN" is not strictly apt.
"FIRST UNPLEASANTNESS": The First World War, a mostly European irruption 1914-1918.
"SECOND UNPLEASANTNESS": The Second World War, a rather wider and even more nasty business 1939-1945
"FOOFOODILLY": A nuclear weapon, euphemistically described to - hopefully! - fool all the intelligence service eavesdroppers.
"YOUR HUMBLE SCRIBE" "MODEST ARTISAN" "TALENTED TYPIST" "GIFTED AUTHOR": Conrad. Or, if we are being extra-specially formal and real-world, Rob.
"OSCAR": Conrad's subconscious or memory, depending on what best suits the plot.
"MISTER HAND": Conrad's treacherous, defamatory and libellous /OR/ truthful, honest and self-deprecating Right Hand.
"ART": Responsible for the blog's picture content, Art is a lower form of life. Favourite foodstuff? Coal. IRMA (I Rest My Assertion).
"UPSTAIRS LAIR": Conrad's Mancave, full of books, beer, sweets, Historical Miniature Replicas, CDs, DVDs and comics. Football and car content: 0%
"THE MANSION": Where we live. A spacious des. res., with picturesque views of the rolling countryside, excellent travel connections, good local pubs, command-detonated minefields and triple-dannert razor wire.
"EDNA WUNDERHUND": Mobile alarm system, supercharged to operate at 180 decibels. Also a good ratter.
"THE ELECTRIC GOLDFISH BOWL": Where Conrad works, or at least the place that houses the desk he sits and dozes at.
Today's Travel Trauma
Under cloudless cerulean*** skies, we headed off in the Murdermobile, to dare the vast swathes of extra traffic created by the First Bus strike, which -
- actually didn't seem to have any effect. Less traffic than usual, in fact. Plus your humble scribe got into work early enough to work up some notes whilst knocking back a double espresso.
See? See, First? The world CAN get along without you!
Mind you I don't have a Cryptic Crossword to do <sad face>
| My sad, sad face |
The Price Of Vinyl
Somewhat to your modest artisan's bemusement, vinyl records have come back into fashion in a major way. Ian, my "in" to the world of music, is keen on this recording medium and extolls it. Personally Conrad can't see the attraction as he grew up with them and they are delicate, brittle, heavy and cannot support the weight of a six-pack of beer.
They are also expensive - witness "Meddle" and "Led Zeppelin III" on display in Oxfam - £40 each. Eek!
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| Squeak (It's a pig's ear) |
* The best place for them, frankly.
** This is a lie <the truth courtesy of Mister Hand>
*** Blue <sensible courtesy Mister Hand>
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