Conrad The Poisoner

I'm Sorry, Your Honour -
 - I didn't realise his stomach was not lined with neutronium nor powered by atomic fission.
     I refer to unfortunate Tom, who sat beside Conrad today, as he did yesterday, being the focal point of Conrad's occasional wit, anecdotes about thermonuclear foofoodillies, gloasting about the crossword and being offered the odd sweet now and then.
      Now, Tom would not quibble or disagree with the description of your humble scribe as a purveyor of all that is powerfully peculiar, since he took me up on the offer of some of this:

     Conrad is pretty certain that you use crystallised ginger in baking and cooking, and that it's not intended to be eaten out of the packet like a bag of Lemon Sherbets.
     This didn't stop me.  Nor did it stop Tom, who took a piece and chewed it.
     I didn't take a picture of his face as I was too busy giggling at his expression*.  How can I describe it?
     Well, imagine the man who scoffs what he thinks is one of these -

A yellow licquorice allsort

      - only to discover that it is in fact one of these:

A Hornet

     And an enraged one at that.
     "I think it was one of the most disgusting things I've ever eaten," admitted Tom, after spitting it out in a paper towel and rinsing his mouth out.  "The odd sweet indeed!"
     "All the more for me," mumbled Conrad, eating even more crystallised ginger.

"Modern Life Is Goodish" - Featuring Dave Gorman
I could tell it was Pete sitting in the chair, even with it's back to me.  A packet of Monster Munch, a can of Coke and a generic Aldi astronomical variant on a Mars bar, all sat on the table in front of him.
     Pete recommended that your humble scribe check out the above programme, which I did on Youtube.  Clever and amusing sums Dave up well; big on wordplay, you see.  Mis-applied catchphrases especially - "It's a doggy dog world", for example.  Well, it may be, if you're confused, poorly-read or a dog.  For the rest of us, it remains a "Dog eat dog" world  <puts on smug face>. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ch0gtZ-76w8

 Pete also mentioned the warped catchphrase "Bowl in a china shop", which people seemed to think meant a boring event, rather than a "Bull in a china shop", which implies Excitement!  and Things Exploding**! 

Dave, looking impish

Aaand For My Next Coincidence
Pete went back to work and Conrad, who did not want to be impolite whilst we were conversing, went back to his book, Hugh Sebag-Montefiore's "Dunkirk".  What did he read at the bottom of Page 21, bare minutes after Pete left?  A complaint about General Ironside's behaviour, which was likened to -
     - a bull in a china shop.
     Thank you, Universe, thank you so much!  Look, if you want to weird me out, have me win the Lottery.  That'll impress me.

General Ironside, looking bullish

Global Catastrophic Risks
Here we come to Part 2, the non-anthropogenic or "Entirely Natural" classification.  I think Tom would point out that "natural" in no way whatsoever means "nice"***.
     Asteroid Impact:  a very real threat considering how many Near Earth Objects there are in orbit.  One approaching from Sunward would give us as much as a few hours notice - just enough to panic and/or have a giant blow-out - before impact.  The chance of a hit, although definite, is also rather low.  The better we track asteroids, the more accurate our predictions of impact become, meaning don't take any notice of tabloid headlines screaming about near-misses.

Look, we had simulators to cover this event back in the Seventies!

     Super-volcanic Eruption:  To be clear, this is a volcano as big as the one under Yellowstone Park in South Canada, not a minor firecracker like Krakatoa or Mount Washington.  Again a very real risk, especially for those dwelling on top of it.  An eruption would remove most of eastern South Canada from the map immediately, and end up probably finishing off all life in the Northern Hemisphere.

Pyroclastic flow just out of shot

     Pandemics:  Hmmm.  See the earlier anthropogenic "Engineered virus".  If the lurgy is too deadly, all the Patient Zeroes die without infecting anyone else.  If it's not that deadly, triage and quarantine will stop in from spreading.

What the heck.  Close enough

     Natural Disasters:  A lazy journalists catch-all.  What are the previous items?!?!
     To which list Conrad might well add -
     Alien Invasion:  "Nice planet.  We'll take it!"  I refer you back to my mentions of "Invasion Earth" where the aliens are streets ahead of human technology and you lot (Hom. Sap.) are going to have to destroy Earth in order to save it.  Believe me, an alien invasion won't be thwarted by human pluck or the common cold, and I should know, as I've got fifteen of them under my belt al - so I've been told.

Ah, one of the classics

Wow, and here we are at over 800 words in 43 minutes.  Time to salt the text with a few pictures and heartlessly throw this child of the intellect out there to fend for itself -

*  This is a very bad thing and makes me look quite wicked.
** Well, nearly
*** We can let him have that one.