Well, no, not really. For this flight of fancy to be applicable, you have to admit the existence of Hell; real Hell, not just the upper dance-floor of Tiger Tiger on a Friday night. Fire, brimstone, souls in torment, all that jazz.
Okay? Have we imagined that? Then you have to stretch your mind around the concept of mythical animals being real. No, we're not talking about modern upstarts like Tony the Ten Ton Terror Toad, nor Clarissa the Cannibal Combat Chicken. Not even Frockodile. No, I mean Cerberus, the legendary canine guardian of the ancient Greek underworld, Hades. Art?
| Multi-headed mutt |
Cerberus is only ever depicted as some violent, unstable, heavily-muscled and ferociously-fanged breed of dog, which is logical enough; Cerberus as a triple-headed Chihuahua or Labrador wouldn't exactly fit the design specifications of a mythical guardian whose first criteria in the job spec is "1: Terrifying". Now, notice that each of those heads has a healthy set of choppers, and allow your humble scribe to ask 2 questions.
1) Which way does he face? If, as his title "Guardian of the Underworld" allows, he stands at the gates, what's the point? Who on earth is daft enough (for which read deathwishish enough) to try to break into Hell?
You might argue that he stands at the entrance into Hell and faces across it: one head looks outward, one head looks across and one looks inside.
You might, except how do the three heads operate? They don't appear to have any kind of Overarching Supervisor, and you know how fractious and quarrelsome dogs can be. Want to get past Cerberus? Throw one head a pork chop and sneak past as all 3 heads fight with one another.
Don't suggest that Hades himself, God of the Underworld, acts as overseer for Cerberus, because - as the saying goes - why have a dog and bark yourself?
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| The frankly terrifying James Woods iteration of Hades |
2) Once more with the logistics. Field Marshall Wavell himself said that amateurs think in terms of strategy, professionals think in terms of logistics. So there.
What I mean is, having a dog present at the Mansion, what happens when Cerberus has to go for a walk*? We here have the Guard Hog, who is subbed by his cousin the Hard Hog**, so there is no gap in our security measures. Does Hades put up a "NO ENTRY OR EXIT" sign and trust people and damned souls on the honour system not to sneak in or out of Hell?
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| "No guard dog - great! I can jump right in!" |
Well, that Intro either has you nodding wisely in agreement or scratching your head and reaching for the gin. Whatever, it's time to let the rest of the motley begin!
The Haul
Not merely from the Oxfam shop, also a volume ordered via Abebooks for the first time in months. Art?
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| Such a clutch |
Military history and murder mystery, I am at least consistent.
What I Have To Relearn
As mentioned a few nights ago, I am going to physically start a wargame that I laid out a year ago, perhaps two years ago, which means I have completely forgotten the rules, thus needing to re-read them again. Although described as "Fast Play" there's still a fair amount of text to peruse:
A lot of the rules are actually Order Of Battle information about the various different armies of the era. Still, plenty of pages to peruse ...
Inherent Vice: The Notes
Still continuing with this public service, for which you may thank me later, demystifying South Canadian pop culture and media mentions. Today we have:
Scott Oof: Fake! A fictional character who apparently also turns up in "Vineland", which is why I thought his name seemed familiar, in IV he happens to be a member of the band "Beer", and whom is Doc's cousin (I think).
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| Serena Scott. Close enough |
Leo Carillo: Real! An actor, cartoonist and conservationist, I believe that a park is named after him.
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| A Carrilon. Easily confused |
Lagan: any object thrown into the sea that is attached to a flotation device, in order to be recovered at a later date. Seen to effect in "Once Upon A Time In America"
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| That one's - lagan behind! |
Parke-Davis: this was a bit vague in context, although it might have referred to the drug PCP, which would make sense. Although now part of the Pfizer pharmaceutical company, back in the days of IV it was a major independent South Canadian pharma company.
Burke Stodger: Fake. I think. He's a left-winger turned reactionary, who gave up his boat "Preserved" to the FBI. He sounds like an amalgam of Errol Flynn and Sterling Hayden. You might not know it, but young Sterling was an officer in the OSS, who fought with Tito's partisans in Yugoslavia. The Partisans were Communists. Come Ed McCarthy and the HUAC, Sterling was in trouble -
- but that's a story for another day.
Blog Traffic
Once again Conrad blows his trumpet, or, if this were Inherent Vice, his pommer. Or his shawm.
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| A pommer. |
"What's this?" I hear you call. "Gosh, what it must take to overcome your natural modesty and forbearing, Conrad!"
Yes. Not sure if you're being sarcastic or sincere there. Anyway, my Profile has had 4800 hits. Is that good or bad? No idea, just putting it out there. 27,000 page views, which is pretty good, since you ask. Principal readers are the South Canadians***, the UK and the Germans, proof that humour can cross oceans and the English Channel.
So. SOMEBODY is reading this stuff, I said, gloasting^.
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| Me, gloasting. |
Oops! I done 1000 words by accident, time to sign off ....
* Or, less pleasantly, to Do His Business. In the interests of SFW I shall elaborate no more.
** He was a stunt double in "Razorback" you know.
*** Sorry, that joke never gets old for me. Never.
^ I made this up from "gloating" and "boasting" and get used to it because it'll get used a lot.
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