P.A.R.I.S.

Per April, Rob Is Sober
What, you were expecting a rhapsodical wax about the City of Light?  Actually, the real City of Light is Luxembourg, the capital of Luxembourg, which translates as "Light City" -
     - but I digress.
     "Who is this mysterious, no doubt sinister and rarely-mentioned "Rob", Conrad?" I hear you ask in tones of polite enquiry.  Nice attitude, keep it up.
     Well, it's me by my quotidian nomenclature*.  "P.A.C.I.S." simply won't do, you can't make a pun from that referring to one of the great European capital cities.  It sounds like a sub-committee of the San Francisco Transit Authority charged with budgeting for cash discounts on the subway -
     - but I digress. Again.

This is either a sackbut or a medieval hand-cannon

     I recall Liam at work querying why one would inflict voluntary sobriety upon oneself.  Well, Liam, in much the same way I destroy planets - because I can.  To prove a point, in addition to saving money and losing weight, though not at the pub - soft drinks by the pint cost more than beer <sad face>.  
     Nor is that all.  On Saturday and Sunday I'm driving to the village of Dungworth, in the countryside outside Sheffield.  It's a long drive: on the motorway, then over the Snake Pass and then negotiating a lot of narrow, winding country roads.  Not the sort of drive to be done if you're anything less than sober.  Besides, how else am I going to retain my boyish figure?

Either a hammer dulcimer or an extremely elaborate cheese-slicer

World War Two And The Crossword Clue
Conrad likes to flatter himself that he is, as the Naval And Military Press catalogue states, a "Serious student of conflict" and not, as some critics would have, a rather ghoulish war junkie.  This being so, he was rather put out by the Metro's Cryptic Crossword 1 Across: "Total disagreement, but not the first: 5,3,3".
     Which turned out to be "WORLD WAR TWO" - Art?

Those are Russians, incidentally, hauling PTRD anti-tank rifles

     Meaning I can legitimately re-use the screenshot from yesterday's blog.
     Conrad: like a bad bus - slow but gets there eventually.

"Person of Interest - Season 3"
Just finished watching this and hopefully, as it's two years old, I'm not breaking too many rules by posting a SPOILER.  SPOILER AHEAD.  GO NO FURTHER -oh you get the idea.


     I can reveal that Hersh, the human attack-dog, is dead, really really dead.  In fact they'll have to use DNA sampling kits to identify his remains.  He was trying to de-activate a gigantic bomb assembly, and might have managed it, too, if three of either Decima or Vigilance's goons hadn't shown up and shot him.  He killed all three of them, of course, but the delay and injuries meant the bomb detonated before he could stop it.
     This, Conrad feels, is a shame.  His bulldog pugnaciousness, and bulldog looks, added to his utter ruthlessness and brutality, made the deadly John Reese look like a friendly grandad.  Art?

"What?  They were Decima - they'd have gone out the window before they talked!"

     This is a grim little jest as set up by Reese and Finch.  Apparently if you are a Decima minion and get taken alive, nobody benefits.  If, on the other hand, you deliberately kill yourself to prevent capture, then your surviving family get a huge ex gratis payment.  So Hersh feels perfectly happy in executing (or murdering, depending on your perspective) a couple of Decima minions Reese had merely incapacitated.

I Shall Keep This Small -
 - as there are several rude words present, and BOOJUM! still keeps up the facade of being SFW.  Liable to make your brain jib a bit, perhaps, but still SFW.

Just vague enough -

     It's a spoof Glasto line-up, featuring amongst others "The King And Queen Of Norway", although it's not clear if this is a ceremonial attendance by their highnesses, a band or the Norwegian monarchs will be playing the sackbut and hammer dulcimer.  Plus, who could resist "Doreen Sprangle and her dancing jellyfish", or "The Bad Guy From Commando" - would that be the Australian chap who gets piped-out at the end?  And surely "The 1978 Scotland World Cup Squad" is far too clumsy a name for a band so it must be the real thing?  Love that Pingu will be there, though, the charming little Scandinavian oddity.  He might be playing alongside <ahem> Seal**.

Here We Have Quality***
Please note that, over the Easter period, Conrad has never descended to any of the painfully predictable Easter-themed puns that swarm into the cold light of day.  You see them all over - "cheep", "eggstra-" "shelling out", "myxamatosis", "hot dross buns" - which really cheapens the art of the wordsmith.  If we wordsmiths had a union I'd petition it to sue these idle letterers for millions.  Billions, even.  That's make them duck for cove - SORRY! - make them more creative.

Conrad, all festive and merry.
Yes, I know it's Christmas, not Easter, but you have to work with what you've got.

*  Day name <translation from smart alec to English courtesy Mister Hand>
** Sorry.
*** Perhaps