Bigger! Better! Butterier!

Actually not, but "Smaller!  Worse!" Just Won't Pull In An Audience
     Are you ready, gentle reader, for Conrad's adven - no, make that Adventures in Crumpet-making? <imagine a brass tahhh-dahhh! in the background>
     Conrad has never made crumpets before, and idly obtained a recipe this afternoon.  You make up a yeasted batter, then cook the muffins in a pan over the hob, instead of in the oven.
     Simples!
     Wrong!
     First obstacle - a crumpet ring, made of metal, 3" in diameter and 1 1/2 " high.  I haven't got anything like that, but there are tins in the cupboard 3" in diameter, and after emptying a tin of beans and sausages, hey presto - no good.  The tin is ribbed and the muffin batter will thus stick and not come out.  Next, a tin of evapourated milk - no ribbing!  Emptied, washed, then it was hacksaw a hole in it and cut to size with scissors.
     This created another problem, because those cut edges are extremely sharp, even when all the protruding bits have been removed.
     Here the ruffians are:

Sitting soaking

 First attempt was not very good - I over-filled the rings and lots of batter overflowed, then when I whipped the rings over my whip-fu was weak and batter went all over, and there weren't any holes in the final product :(
     So I tried again.  Here are the crumpet rings, pristine after scrubbing:

Two shiney shiney

I used less batter second time around, and flipped with Zen precision:

They slid round the pan like skaters on ice; I did it once, I did it twice

And was rewarded with two small yet crumpet-like objects thus:

Lifetime measured in seconds

Delicious with butter!

     Not a bread product I'll be doing much of in future.  They are extremely messy and have to be cut out of the rings with a sharp knife - holding the ring in a towel to avoid severing fingers or arteries on the jagged edges, you can only do two at a time, and they are rather on the small side.  A 4" crumpet ring would have been better.
     There is batter left over, now sitting in the fridge - whether this will kill off or merely stun the yeast remains to be seen.
     On the plus side, they were very nice with butter.

Halloween Pumpkin Cake
     This went down exceedingly well at BOOJUM! mansion.  Wonder Wife is not one to be subtle or understated: if she Does-Not-Like then Conrad knows within seconds.  Well, she bloody loved this cake!
     Arse.  Double arse.  In fact, multiple arses!
     There aren't any pumpkins left in the UK now, so what can I use instead?
     Carrots, maybe.  Squash?  Turnip?  Marrow?

Tomato Salsa
     I promised Conrad if he managed to make this and the crumpets, then I could have that last can of Old Golden Hen.  The recipe called for jalapeno peppers, which I don't have any of and the shops that might have supplied were all shut.  Instead I used four birds-eye chillies.
     "Only four," I mused to myself.  "And they are very small."
     Yes, Mr Hand, I know now - small is dangerous where chillies are concerned.

Your tongue.  After Conrad's salsa.

So - Tanks?
     Sort of.  Just to balance out the preponderance of cookery items today.

No, they aren't giants - those are just tiny tanks

This is the German "Goliath", automatically proving that the Germans do have a sense of humour.  No, they weren't crewed by midgets or contorted Panzertruppen, they were steered remotely via cable.  Which frequently got cut.  And they were highly vulnerable to gunfire.  And they were expensive.  And they were slow.  And - <Mr Hand interrupts to point out a stupefied audience is not a happy audience>

Finally -

How would you feel, getting up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night, only to come face-to-face with this?  Oh dear - no, wait a minute, what I meant -