The Bill Comes To Thee Part Three

Yes, More Of Bills!

Most unusually, BOOJUM! has not bothered to define the word 'Bill', or at least not yet, because now I'm going to.  Not the 13 different uses for 'Bill' as listed in my Collins, as that would be dishonest padding simply to up the Word Count and we here on the blog are scrupulously honest, some of the time.  Art!

     There's a Bill to keep you going.

     ANYWAY let's get the definition out of the way, then I can stop balancing my dictionary on one knee and my 'Brewer's' on the other.  'Bill' is derived from the Anglo-Latin (I had no idea such a horror existed) 'Billa', which is in turn derived from the Late Latin 'Bulla', meaning 'Document', which is where the term 'A Papal Bull' comes from.  No, we're not going into 'Bull' today.  Art!

KAISER BILL: More formally, Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany, who was given his nickname by Brits who were extremely unimpressed by a man wearing a chicken on his head.  'Kaiser',  lest ye be unaware, is the Teuton form of 'Caesar'.  Bill was largely responsible for instigating the First Unpleasantness, thinking it would all be over by Christmas and would be kept nice and controlled.  He didn't specify which Christmas, mind.  He escaped justice by seeking exile in neutral Holland, where he pegged it in 1941.  

     If you want a little more detail, he unwisely earned the enmity of Great Britain, as we were known in those days, by creating the Teuton High Seas Fleet of battleships, for no other reason than he could.  Art!

     The Brits needed a global navy thanks to having a global empire, as they saw it, but the Teutons possession of Namibia hardly qualified them for the same.  It's a long story.  Art!

BILL SIKES: We put up an illo of him yesteryon, and here he is amongst us again.  As you may be aware, he is an utter villain, whose name was long used for any scurvy housebreaking footpad.  He ends up impaled on spikes, or similar, and isn't mourned.  Except possibly by his dog.  Art!

     BILL OF RIGHTS: This is the South Canadian document that enshrines liberties, which they took by being treacherous rebels  consists of the first ten Amendments, proposed in 1789.  In case you think this particular Bill is a load of fuddy-duddy faffing about, be advised that the First Amendment provides for the freedom of assembly, speech, press and religion, and that the Bill prohibits the government from establishing a religion, which has always led religious fundamentalists to go purple and froth at the mouth, a highly entertaining sight.  Art!

FILL THE BILL: To be fit for purpose.  Nothing to do with menus, this dates from the days of actors names being posted on a bill promoting a play <it says here> so if one actor was absent another's name would be added in to update the cast whilst taking up the same space.  I've used 'Heat' above because once again whose blog is it?

FRIEND OF BILL: a.k.a. 'FOB'.  Conrad has never heard this one before, another South Canadianism, 'FRIENDS OF BILL'.  The 'Bill' in question here is one William Clinton, a.k.a. Bill Clinton, yes, that Bill Clinton, guilty of sax harassment and other misc. crimes too seedy to go into on a SFW blog.  ANYWAY the term FOB refers to all his hangers-on, moochers and general sleazoids from his days as Governor of Arkansas.  Art!

Less than flattering portrait

PECOS BILL: More bills from the land of the Midnight Fun.  Bill in this case was a figure of fantastic folklore, raised by coyotes after his careless parents lost him near the Pecos River.  This was in 1832, well before the advent of Child Protective Services, I'm afraid, so the parents got off scot-free.

     ANYWAY AGAIN, Bill rode a mountain lion instead of a panty-waist horse, and used rattlesnakes for lassos.  Once again long before the days of ASPCA, so he got away with it.  

     What he didn't escape was the consequence of using liquid nitroglycerine as an aperitif, after dining on barbed wire*, which caused him to suddenly expire.  Art!

Before the maleficent meal

     I couldn't swear to this, but Conrad thinks he had a copy of this comic when he was a lot smaller and cuter.  In it Bill's sweetheart sees the 'Ghost Riders In The Sky' that had previously only appeared to Bill.  Yes, well, an excess of tequila will do that.

     We're not done with Bill yet.  More to come!  I bet you can hardly  wait.

Bellamy's Bloody Blaster

Another minor plot hole in 'The 100', which I'm sure you're wildly grateful for being pointed out at length and with relish and if you're not THE EXIT DOOR IS THAT WAY.  Art!

     This is bad boy Bellamy Blake, and it's no wonder he turned out wrong with his parents giving him an albatross of a first name.  You may notice that he has a bang-stick, and yet is on the ground as one of the 100 (now down to 90) guinea-pigs sent to see if Earth is survivable.  How did a delinquent felon get hold of a gun?  Not that this revelation needs spoiler warnings as it comes about 10 minutes into the pilot.  

     He was given the gun by Un-Named Yet Utterly Villainous Persons Unknown, and was then afforded sufficient Plot Armour to smuggle it aboard the dropship taking the passengers on their one-way journey.  However - O there's that word again! - it only contains three rounds, which are fired off before closing time on the pilot episode, meaning the weapon is now a finely-engineered doorstop or paperweight.  Art!

In short supply on Planet Earth, Bellamy mate

    

     Given that weapons like this can contain up to 15 rounds when fully loaded, how many shots did Bellamy blast away at his victim?  Don't forget, the dirty deed was done on the Ark, where there are no large voids or spaces.

      Or - am I overthinking this?


Remember Bill The Bottomhole?

Conrad is so dubbing the British plonker who ignored warning signs and ended up on a mountainside in the middle of landslides and rockfalls, necessitating helicopter rescue.  Art!

The dolorous Dolomites

     The reason the Romans hit him with an enormous fine is to make a swingeing example, because thanks to weather and terrain, the Dolomites are especially deadly this year, unusually so.  90 fatalities this year so far, which is about double the total annual rate.  Were it not for Roman Mountain Rescue, that figure would be 91, and Bill's cat would be wondering where her next meal was coming from.
     Be unlike Bill the Bottomhole!  Your family will thank you.  Your cat? well that's in the balance.

A Victim Of Gin And Old Age

Conrad was commenting on a Tweet yesteryon and here's the meat of the missive:

Damn it, I wish I could remember the name of the fictional British army officer recounting the mid-21st century, in a novel. They mention a border war of epic proportions between Ruffia and The Populous Dictatorship. Which the Ruffians lost - I think. Off to Abebooks!

     I seem to recall that the author was a male, relating his tale of 21st Century woe via the persona of a female British army officer.  One vignette I recall was the British army taking on an insurgent African army, using what must have been the MLRS Tungsen-Rain M30A1 warhead, and getting stick for being so efficient at this warfare business.

     I'll have to Google before I can visit Abebooks, but that's my evening sorted!

  Art?

This is what happens to a truck.

     You might say it got Bob Dylaned**,

And on that tasteless note, we are done.  DONE!

*  Hopefully our coal-driven sloven Art learns nothing from this.

**  'A Hard Rain's A Gonna Fall' if you can't quite connect the dots.