Note That We're Using The Definite Article Here
Yes indeedy, we are following on from yesteryon's coverage of flooding as a musical, literary and mythological theme, which sounds rather dull when phrased like that. Art!
I'm trying to evoke the beginning of "The Kraken Wakes" for the television series, where Mike the narrator and his wife sit on the roof of a flooded house, a semi-submerged road-sign next to them reading 'Plymouth', their boat moored to the chimmney-stack. Then the view will move to behind them, showing the English Channel, the flooded land, and the icebergs brought down by the polar icecap's melting. Art!
ANYWAY here's a random shot of books that came up when I was Googling 'Christopher Rowley The Vang'. Art!
Is this merely wild coincidence or is the algorithm trying to tell me something? Not only that, Art!
I have absolutely no idea why this came up, it contains none of the Google words. Your Humble Scribe is including this picture because I had this in hardback decades ago; it's about a Matilda tank crew during the Battle of France an
ANYWAY AGAIN you know Conrad, a mind like a skip and as well organised, if the skip were two miles in cubic volume. I cast my memory back and recalled that there was a computer game where there was an eeeeevil alien protagonist called 'The Flood', and Hey Pesto! I was right. Art!
The Flood is a species of alien parasite that seeks to infect all sentient life and turn it into food and hosts for more of The Flood. The screenshot above is from 'Halo: Combat Evolved', a computer game I've never played nor intend to, computer games being the biggest thief of time imaginable. Nor do I intend to go into this in any detail, there's about a generation of backstory to delve into. The Flood = very bad news is all you need to know.
ANYWAY ANYWAY back on track. I did mention that I was going to return to the subject matter of the Ark, Noah's version, and I was going to math the snot out of it. Which, considering it's a myth that resonates across many other cultures and civilisations, is perhaps a little unfair. Ask me if I care? Art!
Artist's impression. THERE WERE NO CAMERAS.
It's not mentioned in Genesis, nevertheless Conrad is convinced Ol' Noah did a lot of sub-contracting, because otherwise it was just him and seven others. To build an enormous vessel capable of carrying either (low-bound) 1,398 kinds of animals, except there were two of each kind, so 2,796; or (high-bound) 6,744 x 2 = 13,488. That calls for an enormous vessel.
Which leads to further questions. An enormous vessel needs an enormous amount of timber for it's construction, so where was this timber coming from, who felled the trees, transported them, trimmed them and turned them into planking? Art!
One suspects that Noah must have started laying down the keel many years before the Flood, to be able to complete the whole ship before the watery deluge arrived. Forward planning by a project manager, one might say.
Then there are the animals themselves. Another case for the existence of sub-contracting, because wrangling over thirteen thousand animals is a major exercise in animal husbandry, each of the eight crew being responsible for nearly one thousand seven hundred animals each. Don't forget that a lot of the animals are herbivores, prey for the carnivores, and will have to be kept separate whilst assembling and boarding. Art!
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| "Wrangling different wild animals" Thank AI Art Generator |
Let's get into actual calculated amounts, shall we? Yes we shall.
Take the average horse, as a ruminant quadruped. An average Dobbin of 500 pounds needs 20 pounds of fodder per day, so a pair of them need 40 pounds of fodder per day. A single horse needs over 6 gallons of drinking water per day, so 12 gallons total. Then we will be merciful and assume that the catering arrangements need last no longer than 40 days, the duration of the Biblical Flood. That means 3/4 of a ton of fodder, and 500 gallons of water - for a single pair of animals. Art!
Say hello to a primary carnivore, the lion. This chap and his spouse, purely for the 40 days we are using as a yardstick, need 800 pounds of meat. Where on earth does Noah get all this meat, because don't forget: no fridges or freezers, and salting only preserves for so long.
What about the Giant Pandas? Because they only eat fresh bamboo. Is Noah going to grow a grove of it in a dedicated planter for the pandas? If it comes to that, how on earth did he get a pair of Giant Pandas all the way from China?
Don't forget, Noah has to have charted and sailed the entire globe to assemble creatures like the capybara (from South America) and the echidna (from Australia), which would take years, especially as marine navigation in the ancient world was more a matter of praying and crossing fingers than science.
I think we've hammered this topic enough for one day. Let's move on!
Counting Down
Just to keep you informed and up to date about Conrad, who is being rather gloasty about his most recent comic trade hardback. Art!
The artwork here is by Gerry Haylock, and I have covered my copyright bases here by printing one of the sample strips that come up if you Google for the terms 'UFO' and 'Countdown'. Art!
These are paintings done by Gerry, and illustrate, quite literally, how familiarity with the character in question bears out for an artist. Gerry came to the Third Doctor with a lot of pictures and photographs, so he knew how to draw him. For the Fourth Doctor all he had were a few black-and-white stills, so he soon cried off. I think that's a superb painting of the Third Doctor, though. Real craftsman at work!
Conrad Has Bitten The Bullet
Taken the plunge and otherwise dived right in, and any other nautical expressions you can think of.
To what do I refer? O I thought you'd never ask! Art!
To starboard is the resurrected longhand text previously rendered illegible thanks to a big mug of mint tea. It wasn't as difficult to read as I imagined, because if I got stuck 'What would a sardonic curmudgeon have written?' was sufficient to guide me. The much worse Page 2 awaits.
Time For More Delicious Schadenfreude!
That wonderful experience that doesn't involve any calories yet which is sweeter than sugar. Yes, the BBC opened the 'Have Your Say' feature on a ballfoot game involving Manchester United Dairies and the Unpacific Arsenal, or similar. Conrad doesn't care enough to bother looking either of them up.
Navers
18:26 17 Aug
My spidey-sense tells me Navers is no fan of the United Dairies.
The Spin Doctor
18:29 17 Aug
There are 20 teams in the Premium Lager, so here The Spin Doctor is rather cruelly implying the Dairies are mediocre enough to attain the middle of the table, and stay there.
Delicious stuff! Unless you're a United Diaries fan.
Pretty Ugly Flamingo
The ever-ingenious and diligent Ukrainians have come up with another monster missile with which to torment the orcs of Mordorvia. Art!
This puppy is 17 feet long, weighs in at 6 tons, has a range of 1,800 miles, travels at 600 m.p.h. and delivers a ton of good news. Those are the bare bones, but what Conrad thinks is more interesting is how it adopts the lines of South Canadian missiles of the Fifties and Sixties. Art!
Or even -
Consensus opinion is that the 'Flamingo' is a most inaptly named missile, and it needs to be a LOT more aggressive. Conrad pithily suggests the "Ripper-Fang Blood-Blasting Massive Malleting Mashing Missile".
And with that we are so very done, Vulnavia!
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