This Is How A Horror Film Begins...

You Ought To Remember, Gentle Reader

What Your Humble Scribe was wittering about yesteryon.  A basic horror trope, that of 'Last Person Left In The Office' as night falls -

     It doesn't work properly at this time of year as night doesn't fall until after eight in the evening, and nobody at the Dark Tower remains on the office floor until then.  Work with me on this!  Art?

Not quite to the limit but pretty close

     So there's Rob (Mighty Team Leader), 'All alone at the end of the evening' (hence the illustration above) in the office at 18:00 YES I KNOW IT'S THE BEGINNING OF THE EVENING.  WORK WITH ME ON THIS! <pauses to draw breath and calm down> 'When the bright lights have faded away' (told you about the picture) because they're motion-activated and there's nobody around to keep them active.  Then the air-conditioning dies.  Er - perhaps a poor choice of words.  'The air-conditioning stops'.  There, better for Rob's nerves.  So by this time in the evening it is getting pretty dim on the Eighteenth Floor, even if not yet dark.  Art!

Still lonely

Yes, you might considerit suspenseful sitting in a little puddle of light, knowing you're the only living thing on that floor.  BUT how much worse would it be if you saw lights coming on the far side of the floor when there oughtn't be anybody there?  And then they start to come on ever closer to you ...

     This is why I posted on our Team Chat: "What if a monster was chasing you on the 18th Floor (you being the only person there) - where would you hide?"

     I got several ironic answers from Dean - 'If it was Week One or Two I'd be WFH so not a problem' and also 'From August said monster will be a problem for Mumbai' (our work is being outsourced there).  Josh took me seriously - thanks, Josh! - and calculated that you shouldn't hide in a cupboard.  Cupboards are death traps because there's no way out should Mister Monster find you.  Art!

Also unlikely to contain Conrad's mighty bulk

No, Art, no.  Although I do have a few copies of same lying around.
(So no Tazer today)

     Josh reckoned that you need a sanctuary with sufficient ins and outs to allow you to dodge out of the way, thus the Facilities Room, which is stuffed to the roof with junk.  Dean suggested the old Print Room.

     I bring all this up because we don't have Rob with us today.  There have been messages on Team Chat from someone allegedly calling themselves Rob, but - how do we know it's really Rob?  Could his lifeless husk be lying on the sitting room floor whilst Something has logged onto his laptop and, chuckling in evil fashion, pretends to be him?

Possibly The Thing in question

     Motley!  I hear the sinister sound of steam engines - prepare the Magma Moat!

This Takes Me Back

As you should surely know by now, thanks to Conrad's whining about cars and their wretched music over-spill, there are roadworks on Tandle Hill, necessitating traffic lights and a one-way system.  Struck by the incongruity, I took the following picture.  Art!

     To be fair to both rider and horse, they kept station pretty well before making a turn into Tandle Hill Road.  Why did it take me back?  Because it reminded me that horses are not wagons nor cars, they have their own personality, as evocatively portrayed in "Four Years On The Western Front" by Aubrey Bowe-Smith.  Remember, if you were a wagoneer in the armies of Perfidious Albion and it was raining artillery shells, you were NOT allowed to find cover.  O no.  You could dismount yet had to stay with your horsey friends, no deserting them for a comfy foxhole.  So, you, young lady there on the horse, take that to heart <here endeth Conrad being pompous - the horrid truth courtesy Mister Hand!>

More Of Our Musical Critique

Oho, The Who are quivering now!  Let us continue with our forensic analysis of "Baba O'Riley", a character who is never mentioned once in the song, unless as an acronym or anagram.

Don't cry

Recall what 10 CC said - "Big boys don't cry", you snivelling pansy

Don't raise your eye

CAUTION!  Mindless staring at the ground can cause death by lamppost

It's only teenage wasteland

You see?  THIS is what confused young Conrad

Sally, take my hand

Say what?  Who's Sally?  Where did she suddenly come from?  

You can't just pull a Deus ex machina like that, it's unsporting  

We'll travel south 'cross land

What if you're already south?  What if you live in Southend on  Sea?  Can you swim?  

So much for 'land'

Put out the fire and don't look past my shoulder

What!  Where did this mysterious fire appear from?  

Are you obtaining your incendiary needs from the same place  you got Sally?

("Flaming Companions"?)

     There is more, which we shall leave until tomorrow, for Pete is being a bit blubbery.  REMEMBER THAT FIRST LINE PETE.

"Pete attempted to distract the audience, not totally successfully"

Finally -

Ha!  Creative old Conrad came up with another insulting nickname for Tsar Poutine - "Puffy Petrol Pimp".  You can bet he'll be weeping into his now-salty borscht when he gets to hear about that one.  Tee hee!  And because I'm not a Ruffian there isn't a thing he can do about it, certainly not now that all the Ruffian embassies in NATO are being emptied of staff.

     "But - but - but the FSB, Conrad!" I hear you exclaim.  "Aren't you taking a terrible risk?"

     Nah.  Remember these two twods?

Faces only a mother could love

     These are the bungling idiots who tried to murder Mister Skripal but who ended up poisoning everybody else instead.  Since their faces are known globally they dare never leave Ruffia.  Also, the united and instant NATO retaliation of booting out numerous Ruffian diplomats (spies, actually) should have informed Puffy Petrol Pimp of the dislike and contempt felt for his gangster regime.  If he wasn't so busy admiring the sound of the voices in his head he might have predicted NATO's response to his 'Special' Military Operation more accurately.

     Let's hear it for his Special Military Advisor!