I Made That Up All By Myself
Can you tell? It isn't gibberish, either, it has a clear and deliberate intent.
For Lo! we are back to the redoubtable Doctor Roel Konijnendijk, his long-suffering sense of historical accuracy and his sly jabs at how Hollywood does not get things right when they portray ancient warfare. Bad Hollywood! Naughty Hollywood! You are sleeping outside tonight!
Okay, this section is about a film Conrad has never seen, called "Kingdom Of Heaven", which concerns the Crusades. Your Humble Scribe remembers doing an article on the First Crusade, possibly for History at degree level; the film seems to be pitched later than this. Art!
Roel is predictably annoyed at this shot, because it shows the besiegers approaching the walls of Jerusalem - cue typical Amorphous Mob Of Attackers comment - and there is no ditch. From what he quotes, at the time this film is set, Jerusalem had a ditch in front of the main curtain wall, then an outer wall, which itself had another ditch in front. All this meant that an attacker couldn't simply roll their siege equipment up to point-blank range or, indeed, against the very walls themselves. Filling in ditches within arrow-range of defenders was a risky and time-consuming business. Art!
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| Are they insured? |
Here we see the siege towers getting right up to the walls. NO! In reality they would have needed to fill the defensive ditch with fascines of brushwood to allow their Tall Traversing Terror Towers to get this close.
ANYWAY Roel compliments their atypical Hollywood approach to accuracy here, since siege equipment was made primarily of wood. Wood burns. Thus, the attackers usually hung soaked animal hides all around their TTTTs, to prevent the defenders from turning them into mighty bonfires, as you can see above. If time and resources permitted they might use thin metal sheeting instead, to make double sure. Art!
Here Roel was sucking his teeth and shaking his head, proof that men can multi-task. The scene here supposedly depicts boiling oil being dumped on the attackers, WHICH NEVER HAPPENED IN REAL LIFE (hence today's title). One day we must track down the source of this urban legend. Roel points out that oil is pricey stuff and the city didn't have that much of it. Use boiling water instead, as it does the same job, or - rocks! Rocks are free and don't require any training to use. Rock and Roel*.
Whilst we are here, nobody in medieval sieges used molten lead, either, because lead is uncommon and expensive, and the impact of large stones dropped from height is a lot more cost-effective.
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| When you owed taxes, medieval style |
We shan't be playing with the motley at this point, since they lost yesteryon's Javelin-Catching game. Don't worry, motleys are hardy and heal quickly, as well as being cheap on the open market.
Excuse me for a few minutes, I have a big batch of Bigos to bag. Made it tonight so I can have hot food for lunch next week**.
Breadventure!
Yes, another excruciating pun. You recall that Wonder Wifey gleefully fell upon a bread-making machine at a local charity shop, because I told you so. This infernal engine did not have any gluten-free settings, because it was rather elderly, which did not dissuade WW from having a go. First attempt - not a success. Art!
It had to come out of the machine in bits, as it had stuck to the paddle, and as you can see from the large pile of flour, not all of it had been incorporated into the dough.
Enter Bread Machine number 2, purchased from Bolton. This one has a gluten-free setting, and at today's carboot at Bardsley, WW acquired Bread Machine number 3, for £1 (thank you Colleen) with a recipe book. Thus we have the latest attempt, at a Banana And Walnut Cake. No walnuts, so she used Fudge Chunks. And instead of egg, chick-pea flour and water mixed to a paste. Art!
Conrad dared to have a (very small) piece, and you know it's not at all bad, considering the recipe had to be mucked about with so much.
Were I To Say "Adult Cartoon" -
Then I know your perverted eyeballs would pop out like organ stops, as you lasciviciously imagine all sorts of NSFW Japanese animation.
NO! Conrad is simply remembering a cartoon from his teen years, called "Wait Till Your Father Gets Home", which was a cartoon from Hanna-Barbera that he watched a few times and was not especially struck on. Art!
It was a variety of generation-gap sitcom, with dad Harry usually being pitted against daughter Alice and son Chet, with wifey Irma remaining determinedly out of their conflicts. O and young Jamie, who took his dad's side. My compatriots at school, however, loved loved loved the barking-made neighbour Ralph Kane, who was a right-wing loonwaffle who never heard a conspiracy theory he didn't like. Art!
A bewildered Harry encounters a be-camouflaged Ralph
The series ran for three seasons, which was unheard of for a cartoon back in 1972, so there were some people out there who liked it. Nothing like it in terms of success emerged until something called the "Simpsins" came along (an obscure cartoon that emerged from inserts on "The Tracey Ullman Show")
In today's South Canada Ralph would pretty probably be able to run for high office and form his own branch of Qanon, which is pretty prescient for a cartoon created over forty years ago. At which point we are approaching Politics, so that's that.
Except - don't forget - Ambrose Bierce for President!
Finally -
Conrad, as we all know, likes to mess around with words and phrases. Or we wouldn't have "Oily Boily Foily" as today's title, would we? He also jibs at people who like to try re-arranging their names so they look cool and different whilst being pronounced the same way as a conventional name. O yeah? Art!
Will.I.Am
Are you? No, since you have made your name up I have carte blanche in deciding how to pronounce it, so Conrad has decided you are "Willie Am". This also extends to cars, because I walked past a Ford Kuga on my constitutional into Royton today. Art!
* Not going to apologise.
** #MyRockAndRollLifestyle
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