Make Boneless Chicken - The Evil Way

No Doubt This Will Get Me Into Trouble With Someone -
Imagine, if you will, that you look at that flock of chickens in your back garden, all busy defecating everywhere, waking up the neighbours, fighting with each other, requiring bushels of grain every day - and you think to yourself "I'm going to get some payback, you cluckers.*"
     Since you are a big fan of South Canadian Fried Chicken (or this painfully involved anecdote wouldn't exist), you decide that payback is going to come in the form of boneless chicken done in breadcrumbs.

"Erk!" said the chicken

     Filleting a chicken is probably quite a difficult process, as there are lots of bones in there; which is normally a good thing, since you don't want feathered jellyfish all over the garden, but which rather jibs your Evil Plan.
     "Gosh, O Mighty Scribe," I hear you query.  "How can this apparently unsurpassable problem be overcome?"
     Pausing only to wonder if that's flattery or sarcasm, I shall explicate.
     Hydrogen Flouride!  If you gas them with this, it will inflict a fatal dose without burning their skins - an important point because the first bite is with the eye - and yet allow them to run around squawking for a while, until all their bones dissolve and they die from heart attacks in one of three different ways.

"Erk again!" said dinner

     For yes, Hydrogen Fluoride is not to be taken lightly.  I'd recommend doing the plucking and slicing in a Hazmat suit, before slathering everything in activated charcoal and marinading for a week or two.

CAUTION!  HFl pressurised containers: do not juggle, kick, hammer, drop or bathe in liquid fire.

     Okay!  Having now offended most of you, I shall leave my recipe for "Snow Leopard Steaks Grilled With Panda Fat" for a later date.
     Now to put the motely in a locked room with a hornet's nest.  One we've just been beating with a stick.**

Hey, Lookit!
We've had cars that presupposed an atomic power plant could be made small enough to fit into and propel a car, now take a gander at a car that looks as if it were powered by nuclear fission.  Art?

Probably needs £1,000,000 p.a. for the insurance

The Unanswerable, Answered
Of course there are always going to be questions that cannot (yet) be answered.  Is there life out there?  A mathematical certainty; except most of it will be micro-organisms, not hot green-skinned girls thirsting for some kinky inter-species romance - 'Star Trek' I'm looking at you (although it probably wouldn't have been as successful if Mister Spock had been a slime-mould).  Why is Russel Brand?  Who was the Man in the Iron Mask?  Where does your Lapp go when you stand up?***
     For Yes!  We are back to answering Unanswerable Thunderbirds Questions, or at least the ones where your modest artisan can cobble together a string of assertions and assumptions.  Art?

Have you got that?

     "How did the impostors create perfectly accurate replicas of the International Rescue uniforms ..." note the ellipsis because there's a second photo coming along any second now - any second now - any second ...  ART!  Put down that plate of coal!

" ... and emblem without any reference photographs?"

     Eye-witness accounts, police sketch artists, a bit of guesswork?  Besides which, they don't have to be accurate, merely convincing, because nobody else has seen a photograph of International Rescue either.  As long as they're not simply wearing a jute sack painted blue, they can get away with whatever they wanted to.

Enough of backing and filling!  Bring on the atomic pineapple!



     Blimey.  I was joking.  So, a band, eh?  Wonder what they sound like?

Back to what passes for reality <pinches self> yep we're still here.

"Nimrod"
I did mention the Elgar composition, didn't I?  And how Nimrod had been i) A mighty hunter mentioned in the Bible and ii) A Magyar self-propelled anti-aircraft gun of the Second Unpleasantness.  If Elgar was inspired by anything it would have been the hunter, as he composed 47 years before the AA gun.
     But that's not all.  There have been aerial Nimrods.

Not what you were expecting?

     That above is the RAF's Hawker Nimrod, state-of-the-art in 1932, carrying two machine-guns and up  to 80 pounds of bombs, gadzooks!  It served on aircraft carriers and got retired by 1939, fortunately for the Fleet Air Arm.  Art?

Nimrod Mark 2

     This puppy was in service for 40 years, generally stooging around the Atlantic looking for Sinister ships and submarines, although they also served in the Cod War, the Falklands Unpleasantness, the Gulf Unpleasantness and Afghanistan.  They toted up to 20,000 pounds of orndnace, including missiles, air-dropped torpedoes and nuclear depth charges.
     Allegedly, during the Falklands Unpleasantness, they skulked around from bases in (supposedly) neutral Chile, which has never been confirmed and your humble scribe is entirely sure is nothing but a wicked rumour.
     Still - we are Perfidious Albion ...

Ha!  Take that, Sinisters! Undefined Enemy!

     Okay, time to finish off the strawberries and persimmon and take Edna for a trot.  One hundred brownie points are waiting to be earned!



*  Close to the wind but still, it's not swearing
**  I know it's horrid, but I have to keep in practice.
***  That one I can answer: Helsinki.