The Wrath Of Grapes

No!  You Need Not Worry About Mutant Killer Vine Fruit
At least not today.  Tomorrow - that remains to be seen.  Bad things always happen on Monday.  

Not yet a world threat

No!  This is nothing to do with John Steinbeck's classic "The Grapes Of Wrath", which I have not read and have no intention of so doing, since it seems like Buzkill In Bound Form.  Death, poverty, misery, more death, unemployment, strikes, trade union organisation, did I mention death already?  One to read when you're feeling a bit too frisky for your own good.
     Okay, after that nice short Intro, let us change course abruptly to avoid the iceberg and more on to more of Killer Komets from the Kuiper Belt.

The Tractor Attractor
Ah yes, back to Danger astronomy and the Giant Rocks in Outer Space, which we are going to try to keep in Outer Space.  Near Space will do, at a pinch.
     So, onto Method the Sixth: the gravity tug.  This is the dullest of all the methods thus put forward, and you really couldn't make a film with Robert Duvall or Bruce Willis diverting the killer asteroid with a method that is both painfully slow and without any dramatic content whatsoever.  Unless they were battling alien cyborgs on the surface of the asteroid with lasers and mono-molecular bladed axes.

Pretty ho-hum stuff

     "Oh go on, you fantasising boor, what is this method?" I hear you scoff.
     Remember that two bodies in close proximity will exert an attractive force on each other?  This is especially true in space.  So, you have your small spacecraft orbit alongside LV-462, exerting a very small attraction on the much larger asteroid.  Over time, and we are talking years here, the Near Earth Object will gradually change course, no longer on a trajectory to impact Earth.

This brute looks capable of towing an asteroid

     Of course, wouldn't you know it, the whole subject isn't quite as simple as that, because these NEOs aren't necessarily just the equivalent of a mountain in space.  Shall I go on?  Perhaps tomorrow.

<short pause to get boiled sweets>

Well well whaddya know, a combination of the dehumidifier and an airtight glass jar has kept them palatable!
     Okay, back to business.

Mark Kermode's Top And Bottom 10 Films of 2016
If you know of Conrad's sinister plans for eventual world domination, which is kind of hiding-in-plain-sight, then you know that Mark Kermode has a Get Out of Mind Control And Involuntary Organ Donation Camp Card already, thanks to his avowed promotion of The Comsat Angels*.  You reading this entitles your ancestors to a similar card when my starship invasion force gets here.  Provisionally.

Mark, worrying about taxes.

     Conrad's perversity comes to the fore here, since Mark's Top 10 includes only one film I'd care to watch - "Under The Shadow" - as there is a distinct lack of zombies, atom bombs or rabid weasels in the rest of them.
     Now, for the other half - sorry, what's that? - you want to know what the rest of the Top 10 is?  But that would up the word count without any corresponding creative input from your humble scribe!  Is that allowed?
     <Mister Hand gives it the thumbs-up>
     Oh, well, that's okay then.
     Joint Number 10 are "A United Kingdom" and "Things to Come", neither of which I am entirely sure about, as thanks to Brexit this UK may not be very U for much longer**, and TTC came out in the Thirties, and features wildly inaccurate predictions about the future.  Perhaps there had been an evening of drinking involved in that selection.

Thankfully, this never did come

     Number 9 is "Your Name".  Yes, I know what my name is.  Conrad.  Why should this be of interest to anyone else?  In fact I think this borders on electronic stalking and I shall be taking out an injunction against the lot of you.
     Number 8 is "I, Daniel Blake", and more of names.  I'm glad they specified which Blake person it is, as Sexton Blake is a pulp detective hero, 

Sexton Blake

and Roj Blake is destined to lead a resistance against the tyrannical Earth government of the future.

Roj, hero of the resistance

     I think I'll leave it there for the moment.  After all, I can always come back to this -***

The Grapes Of Wrath, The Barley Of Bother And The Wheat Of Defeat
I have to get this post in to justify the blog title, else I risk the wrath of all those readers agog to see how I work it into the words for today.
     Yes, we are back to "Warfare and Agriculture In Classical Greece" by Victor Davis Hanson.  Here we look at how to ravage your enemies lands, especially growing crops, which were primarily wheat and barley.
     One way to ruin such crops is by simply trampling them flat, which takes a lot of people and a considerable time, risking a counterattack from the people whose territory you're invading.  It doesn't actually destroy the crops, mind, since they can still be harvested if ripe.
     "Fire!  Fire!" I hear the pyromaniacs amongst you shout - Tom, put those matches away!
     Ah, yes, but, if the crops have not ripened and are still green, then they won't burn, so it's back to trampling.  Thus it is advisable not to arrive too early in the invasion season.  On the other hand, if you hang around in your polis waiting for Aeschylus to finish his latest play, and only then invade after the premiere, you risk the crops being already harvested and safe behind your opponent's city walls.  Bummer!  No, you can't hang around and lay siege to their polis, because it's harvest season and you've got your own crops to bring in.


That's done it, over the 1,000 word mark.  Now for a pot of loose leaf Darjeeling and a crust of stale bread.  Yum!



*  One of the best band the UK ever produced.  Conrad needs little to no encouragement to mention them.
**  Yes, yes, politics, sue me - once again, whose blog is it?
*** And PAD OUT THE WORD COUNT!