Now, in typical BOOJUM! style, let us deal with something else entirely - the death of Bake Off. More precisely, "The Great British Bake Off", for all you out there not lucky enough to live in the Allotment*.
When I say "death" of course I exaggerate, because who wants boring old rational accurate reporting? Not I! And if you do, then, sir or madam, you have come to entirely the wrong place. Rather than the programme being honestly, simply and definitively killed dead, it is in fact going to stumble on in a ghastly kind of un-life on some other channel that's not the Beeb. Zombaking, if you will ...
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| Before the makeup |
Yes, folks at work were mourning it's passing, and asking what your humble scribe thought of the result, and would I be watching the undead version when it arrives next year**?
Which Brings Us To -
My cyborg fission-powered hit-squad made up of - weasels!
Well, a man can dream, can't he?
When the 24-hour party in my head subsides briefly, I occasionally ponder about forming just such a divine instrument of retribution. Imagine it - someone, somewhere has offended Conrad in some vague and poorly-defined way, and when they answer that knock at the door, it's to an assassination team of Atomic Death Weasels!
Were this ever to become a thing, I can assure you that the 'Guilty Pleasures' page in The Metro would be reduced to a single paragraph as multitudes of vapid, single-name celebritutes were mysteriously lasered to death.
| Er - apparently "Atomic Death Weasel" is a real thing if you Google. |
The Beautiful Lady - Who KILLS!
I can tell what you're thinking - "Why doesn't Conrad employ her, she'd be a lot more photogenic than a pack of rabid stoats?"
| A stoat, afloat |
Leaving aside the hideous confusion extant in your mind about stoats and weasels, I should explain that I am referring to "Belladonna", a.k.a. "Deadly Nightshade". Art?
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| DANGER WILL ROBINSON! |
Although potentially toxic, a sub-lethal dose of belladonna can result in hallucinations, which might serve those looking for a cheap high, were it not that the difference between "lethal" and "Sub-lethal" varies wildly from person to person. Belladonna is, frankly, wildly unpredictable. Children have long been liable to poisoning due to the lovely bright shiny berries that the plant produces, with (allegedly) a sweet taste***. As few as 2 berries can hasten sprogs off this earthly plane, and they're not likely to stop at a mere 2 if they think this is a free version of Vimto.
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| DANGER WILL ROBINSON AND ALL ROBINSONS EVERYWHERE! |
There are a battery of poisons present in Belladonna: hyoscamine, scopalomine and atropine, the last of which affects the involuntary responses of the nervous system - sweating, breathing and heartbeat. Although - o wicked irony! - the antidote for poisoning by nerve gas is - atropine.
And For Tomorrow -
I was going to get a haircut, until I mentioned it in front of both Degsy and Wonder Wifey, who both jibbed at the idea.
"No, No!" came the chorus. "You look too much like him! No haircut!"
You may judge for yourself. Art?
The justification for remaining heroically hirsute is that tomorrow night I am off to Victoria Warehouse to see the Maestro of Horror in concert. Yes, JC is also a consummate musician as well as a director, producer and screenwriter. That there photo of him is taken from the MEN.
This means, I am afraid, that you will very probably only get one novel post tomorrow, although if you are good - or perhaps if you are bad - I may make it an extra-specially long one.
Finally -
This is odd but entirely true -
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* More precisely, the Allotment of Eden. Britain!
** A loud "NO!" resolved this query.
*** This can remain as an allegation, as your humble scribe is not at all keen to try the acid test and bolt belladonna berries.
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