The Devilish Dab Of Andy McNab!

Not Sure What To Clarify First -
Okay, I'm sure you're all familiar with Andy McNab, one of the "Bravo Two Zero" Special Air Service patrol who went gadding about behind enemy lines and eventually got captured.  For your information, an SAS trooper has been defined as "someone who can speak 26 languages whilst disguised as a bottle of Guinness".

Andy McNab.
Letting the side down by only speaking 25 languages

   What is a dab?  Why, a species of fish, of course!  I've been trying to increase blog traffic by mentioning various forms of piscine life, since this seemed to work earlier in the year.

Common or garden, off-the-shelf Dab*

     Of course, being Andy McNab, his pet fish would be a kick-bottom mother-lovin' fanged finny fiend, thus -

Note: this Devil Dab is out of the tank and in your face!

     Perhaps Andy might consider a different disguise -

You What?
Conrad, being of a logical, unemotional and analytical bent, is often stopped in his tracks by the absurdity of the modern world that surrounds or passes him by**.  Take yesterday, for instance, when a First bus went sailing past sporting a poster that read (as far as I could make it out) "Discover Summer Smoothy"
     It is October.  The clocks go back later this month, it's dark in the morning and cold in the evening.
    SUMMER?!

Either storm clouds or a closeup of a Polo smoothy being made

The Great British Bake Off
I know this is a day late, but I did have to bake a cake of my own last night, and merely getting to - ah, let us come to that later.
     By now

 MAJOR SPOILER ALERT PROCEED NO FURTHER UNLESS YOU KNOW WHO THE WINNER IS OR YOU HAVE A PERVERSE STREAK IN YOUR MAKE-UP AND SIMPLY DON'T CARE!

     - you probably know who won if you've got this far.  I shall remain a discreet as only Conrad can and not reveal the name until the last moment.    
    Bear in mind that this was the final, where the field has been winnowed down to the last three performers, who have to have been at the top of their form merely to get this far:  Tamal, Nadiya and Ian.  You just know Mary Berry and Paul Hollywood are going to expect great things as a matter of course.
     SIGNATURE: 16 iced, filled buns - of two types.  In 3 hours.  That's not a lot of time given that the buns are made from a enriched yeasted dough and have to prove twice before being baked, and then have to cool enough that the icing or filling doesn't melt and pour out in a sugary waterfall of goo.  Proving, for those who don't bake, is allowing the dough to rise and increase in volume.  Under-proof and you get a soggy dough; over-proof and you get big holes in the buns.
     Ian decided to use 2 doughs, Nadiya to use two different shapes and Tamal didn't bother to flavour his dough.  This proved to be a mistake as his creme patisserie didn't set, leaving him short of flavour.

"Ian  would NOT be denied the last bit of jam for his butty."

  The verdict was that Ian's Lemon Curd buns were very good, the others were a waste of space.  Nadiya's buns didn't have any rips - this seems to be a good thing in the eyes of Hollywood - they "ticked all the boxes" and were an all-round triumph.  Tamal's bake was good, as was his marmalade, yet he was let down by his timing - as so often before!
     TECHNICAL: 6 Raspberry Millefieulles. In 2 hours.  Ouch!  These timings are getting sharp.  Conrad has made this puff pastry only once before as it's a real faff.  You have to incorporate butter into layers of pastry and roll it out umpteen times - I believe the name translates as "Thousand layers".  And - both judges had a sadistic twinkle in their eye - this particular bake had been chosen because all three had been in trouble with pastry before.  And, of course, it being a technical, there are instructions missing.

Ian about to dine hugely on Hansel and Gretel***.

     The results: Tamal's were "a mess". He'd blithely used his butter in a giant chunk instead of grating it.  The mad impetuous fool!  He came Third.
     Ian's tops had not bonded, there were gaps and the pastry was a bit underdone.  He came Second.
     Nadiya - you may be ahead of me here - came First with a neat, good strong bake.
     SHOWSTOPPER: A Classic British Cake of at least 3 tiers, to be done in 4 hours.  Again, time is going to be an issue here because of the volume of  baking to be done.  'Ware Tamal!
    Tamal decided to do a Sticky Toffee Pudding Cake, with lots of spun sugar.
     Ian went for 5 Carrot Cakes on a specially-built stand
     Nadiya did a Big Fat Wedding Lemon Drizzle Cake
     We then got a bit of family background on each of the finalists, which was DULL compared to the baking in the tent, where everyone was on pins. 
     The Verdict:  Ian's was a clever design with an nice even bake, and a very good effort. 
     Tamal's looked spectacular and ingenious, and the cake proved to be delicious, to the pleasant surprise of Mr Hollywood.

Tamal with a book.
A CLOCK would be a better idea, matey!

     Nadiya's looked "Smooth and elegant", even "stunning" - not a word Paul Hollywood dishes out very often.

And the winner?

NADIYA!

(Nobody got sent home this time)  She really deserved it for being consistently excellent in both design and flavours, and for being profoundly self-critical every episode, never taking progress, let alone success, for granted.

Meanwhile, Back At The Mansion ...
As I mentioned, I baked a cake last night, taking fully an hour from start to putting it in the oven, and this is after getting all the ingredients ready on the Tuesday evening.

     It's a gluten-free Chocolate Mud Pie cake, made with lots of ground almond.  You see it before Wonder Wifey, who had been agitating for it's baking, got a further big slice out of it.  The ganterpies at work also seemed to appreciate it, as the whole lot was gone by eleven a.m.

My goodness!  Over 1,000 words.  Better allocate a few pictures and post -

* Yes, I know I'm mixing metaphors like cake batter.  Whose blog is it?
** Especially "Strictly Come Dancing"
*** This may be a lie^.
^ Okay, it is a lie.