New Horizons? I Was NOT Consulted!

Tch!  Conrad Is Not Impressed
Not only did NASA not bother to inform me, they didn't even get my permission, the cheeky blatherskites*.  If I've warned them once, them and ESA, I've warned them a dozen times: "Tell me if you're going to go mucking around near the Kuiper Belt and most especially if you intend to poke inside the Oort Cloud.  You have my number.  Don't ring too early at the weekend, I like a lie-in."
     This is not Conrad merely being querulous, it's because I don't want to see all that expensive satellite equipment being blown to atoms when it stumbles across one of my Earth-bound compatriot's Laser Battle Spy Stations, which masquerade as bits of rock.
     So, if New Horizons goes out in a blaze of glory and/or x-ray laser beams, don't blame me!

RIP New Horizons

"The 100" Versus "City In The Sky"
I recently came across a background illustration on IMDB for "The 100", which intrigued me enough to go and look it up.
   Well well well.  This does sound kind of familiar.  Set 97 years after a nuclear war ended civilisation on Earth, the story starts aboard The Ark, which contains 2,400 human survivors.  Things are starting to break down, run out and fail.  100 young delinquents are chosen to be sent down to Earth, to see if the Ark's population can return.  They don't have much choice - any criminal act aboard the Ark is punished with - Death!
     Of course there are countless dangers on the planet's surface, everything that could go wrong has done, deadly peril is around every corner ...

I bet there's a whole lot less than 100  at the end.

     
"City In The Sky" is a Doctor Who fanfiction I wrote 5 years ago, clocking in at 173 pages and 104,000 words.  Most of it concerns the 12,500 occupants of Arcology One, a Bernal Sphere put up and populated to avoid the Big Crash.  A nookular war, in other words.  Intended to be aloft for no more than 20 years, when the Doctor and Ace come across the sphere it's been up there for 40 years, and everything is starting to break down, run out or fail.  

Bernal Sphere interior.  Mine was a lot smaller!

The inhabitants need to get back to Earth, desperately, but they can't - every shuttle and potential landing site was destroyed in the Big Crash.  Two home-made shuttles sent down were destroyed, one on the ground, one in mid-air.
     It turns out there are alien squatters on planet Earth, ones with thoroughly bad intentions.

A Bernal sphere.  Rotation imparts centripetal force

Not identical, no, but you have to admit there is at least a bit of overlap.  And here is the link to Fanfiction and my story:

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6385277/1/CITY-IN-THE-SKY

Just so we're clear here.

What a pair of laughable scamps!

Shakeshaft
Oho.  I say, is it a bit windy out?  Watch out, Will Shakespeare will write the most dreadful piffle about absolutely anything, and the critics will rave.  Were we ever to discover a shopping list he'd made out, I bet it would run for weeks at the Globe.
     Anyway, let us resort to mocking banter -

"Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May"

What's this, Will, foliage in disarray?

Next it'll be about a summer's day

Take your dull platitudes and GO AWAY!

     Ha!  Take that, Will, skewered on the rapier wit of Conrad**.
Superheroes With Their Pants Down
After coming up blank with Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four, I rubbed my metaphorical hands with glee at the prospect of mocking his comrade Johnny Storm, better known as "The Human Torch", and the torch in this case is definitely not a small hand-held battery-powered light.  No.  Imagine one of those angry mobs that gathered around Castle Frankenstein with flaming torches, he's that kind of torch.
     I don't know that much about The Human Torch, but then that's never stopped me before.  He does activate his torch-ness by shouting "Flame on!" which does lead to a raft of problems.

Proof.

     1) Since ignition is by verbal command, he can't take the risk of being caught with a gobful of food; thus no proper meals, just a lot of snacks all day long.  And definitely no toffee!
     2) Syntax.  He needs to avoid creating a sentence where the word "Flame" is ever next to the word "On".  There was terrible trouble when he bought a jazz LP and showed it to his sister.  "Hey, just got this LP by Georgie Fame and the Blue Flames***.  On the sleeve -" at which point their apartment was destroyed.     3) Sleeptalking.  To avoid any accidents I'm afraid Johnny must sleep with a muzzle.  This is not very dignified so the writers and artists agree not to show him asleep. Probaby.
     4)  Regular visits to the doctor are a necessity.  Can't risk getting laryngitis!     5)  Clothing.  Johnny, to satisfy the Comics Code Authority, and to the wistful regret of those girls who read comics, HAS to wear asbestos underwear.  Actually since Reed is a genius, more probably spun titanium wire-woven ones.  Plus a lot of cheap sports gear.
     6)  Confined public spaces have to be avoided if at all possible - Johnny can't risk having to "Flame On!" in a lift or on the bus or tram.  Which is probably why he flies everywhere.

"Let's have a big hand and a warm welcome for Johnny Storm!"

Meanwhile, Back At Strategic Rocket Forces Base Number Sixteen, Novi Palatinsk
When the Colonel instructs the day Duty Maintenance team to "Put a bottle in the bin", he's not talking about tidying up after the weekend booze-up.  He rather means this:

Misha and Grisha (Right) supervise a change of missiles

     As he loves to explain in his deadpan glee, the "bottle" is an SS22 and the "bin" is the underground missile silo it sits in.  These jobs, for obvious reasons, are never done on a Saturday or Sunday morning.  You need a chap with steady, sober hands to lower a missile with a 5 megatonne warhead, after all.

The Naughty Stick
Conrad has a streak of malicious humour that runs all the way through him, like an evil stick of Blackpool rock.  Yesterday and today we were on the receiving end of exhortations^ from the duty managers about "clear desk policy".
     I couldn't resist ...

Tee hee!

Insult added to injury!

     Now, Conrad always has a back-up plan brewing in his fertile, if evil, mind, so here is the explanation for The Naughty Stick:

It prevents pretzel dust getting on your hand

* You may not be familiar with this word; rest assured it's not a compliment
** Hey, I can dream, can't I?
*** A real group.
^ Misha and Grisha, I hope you're taking notes?