The Killer Koi From Auchnacloy!

Yes, Yes, More Piscine Referral In Our Title Tonight
Not sure if this complete lie will bring in any more traffic than usual.  "Killer" "Koi" and "Auchnacloy" are not three words often found together, and if Conrad were a gambling man,* he'd place folding money on this being the first time they've ever been together.  The koi, being a decorative fish, is not noted for having either fangs or a taste for human flesh; Auchnacloy, if memory serves, is a small Scottish town entirely untroubled by koi of any description as it's too fnorping cold for them.  The Hades Death Herring, however ...

Koi discussion group in meeting.
And thereby hangs a tail.

The RAND Corporation And Herman Kahn
Nope, no idea why I thought about this particular entity yesterday.  I did wonder if it was still around; it is.  The "RAND" is an acronym of "Research ANd Development", and it's a think-tank that advises the American government, with a pretty eclectic cast of members.  It wins Nobel Prizes, too.
     Herman was a member, who advised on nuclear weapons and strategy.  He became either famous or infamous for publishing, in 1962, "On Thermonuclear Warfare", which attempted to argue that a thermonuclear war could be won.  This concept of being "winnable" provoked quite some controversy, oh yes Sharon Gless.  
     Here a confession: Conrad did attempt to read this work in 1975, but found it dry and rather hard going.  Since his basic reading matter at that time was Biggles, science fiction and Airfix magazine, this is not surprising.  I did wonder if the essential arguments might have been overthrown or overtaken by the spiralling technological development of nuclear weapons since 1962: MIRVs, SLBMs, cruise missiles and Pershing II, that sort of stuff.
     What's that?  Your knowledge of the nuclear weaponry landscape is sadly lacking?  What does that alphabet salad mean?  If we have time I may expand.  Or expound.

A MIRV'd SLBM

Too Many Words!  TIme for pictures!

A Carbonated Con
Here is a photograph of what claims to be "lemonade"

Notice the word "Lemon" and the lemon slice

     Here are the ingredients:

Hmmm.  Doesn't look quite so tasty now, does it?

     Notice anything?
     NO LEMONS!  It's like that film "Foxcatcher".  THERE ARE NO FOXES!

We now return you to our regular broadcast of scrivel.

"History of the 51st Highland Division"
You won't need to be bored yet pretend an interest for much longer, this volume is nearly finished.  Once again, those not wishing to learn about the ingenuity of Hom. Sap. in killing Hom. Sap. in large numbers can look away now.
     One of the interesting items about the fighting in mid-1918 was how advanced the use of gas as an offensive weapon had become.  The history mentions that in 1915 a gas attack was carried out by releasing gas from large, heavy cylinders that had to be man-handled into the front-line trenches, with piping leading over the trench edge.  This was a very labour-intensive process that took ages to complete, with the attendant risk of a cylinder getting hit by enemy fire and drenching the British front-line with gas.

Frightfulness in full flow

     By mid-1918 the gas was placed on tank-trucks that ran on a light railway right up to the front-line trench.  The trucks all released gas simultaneously at the click of a switch, and were not sent to the front line until the wind was in the right direction.  When the switch was pulled a "beam" of gas rolled for well over two mile into and through the German lines.  The history wryly notes that German artillery positions caught in this rather terrible attack "remained quiet for some time."

Too much gloom!  Lighten Up!

Fifth Floor Lighting**
There are high-intensity lights set around the atrium in the Electric Goldfish Bowl, and every so often one of them burns out.  For example:

Like a killer's cold, cruel eyes ...

     Conrad, being a curious pedantic sort of critter, wonders how these get replaced?  They're on the fifth floor, very high up; there aren't ladders that will reach that high.  Nor has scaffolding been erected in the past, as this would take days to build and dismantle.  Health and Safety preclude anyone dangling over the balcony to replace the bulb.  And the bulbs must be very securely fixed in, as if they dropped out, they would kill anyone they hit, falling from that height.  The replacement process can't be very easy, all told, as these particular bulbs have been burnt out for months.
     I'll let you know.

"Indian Pale Ale"
Conrad necked a bottle of this last night, having decided it might make a suitable source for a pun, before wondering why IPA was called IPA.
     What's that you're saying?  "Evidence, Conrad, evidence!  For you are known to take quite exceptional liberties with the truth."
     O very well:

Happy now?

     The answer is quite simple: IPA was an ale brewed and shipped out to India - you know, back in the days when we had an Empire and fought the French every other week - which took a long time in those days.  So it had to be brewed in a particular way, and it was, so there you have it.

"A Little Chaos"
Aha!  A film poster seen on a bus stop, grist for BOOJUM!'s idiosyncratic film review process, which amounts to jump in feet first.
     It looks to be a period drama - A Big Skirt film, as Conrad sardonically classes the genre.  I suppose it's best to have only a little chaos, but they did miss a trick with the title, it should have been "A Chaos"
     For your education, "Chaos" comes from the Greek "Khaos", which originally meant "Vast chasm".  From vast to small, now you've seen it all.

"I confess.  I have a pickle up my bum."

The Metro
Ah, the ever-reliable Tea Spillage Soaker - a fruitful source of things that Conrad can rant and tant about!  Where to start?
     Well, firstly, "Guilty Pleasures".  STILL LYING! and here's proof:

Only half a page here.  HALF A PAGE!

     So it's down to three pages right there, and the previous pages were half adverts as well, so that 

HALF A PAGE!  LOOK AT IT!
ONLY HALF A PAGE!

      - yes, thanks, so it's only two pages.
     Then there's the ridiculous celebrity names.  Here's one:  "K-Stew".  She sounds like a tin of dog food!
     60 Seconds: another puff-piece about an instantly forgettable nobody whose agent has paid for them to appear in The Metro.  Next!
     Zombie events.  In the Metro.  Zombies are now mainstream.***

Well, I think we've already hit 1,000 words - yup, 1,104 so it's time to wrap up the wibble, slice it and post it where it can do the most damage.


*Or even a man
** Do you see what I did there?  Do you?
*** Good or bad?  Only you the reader can decide!

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