United Scarelines

Because Everyone Loves A Giant Corporation Being Humbled

For your information, we are talking about 'United Airlines' here, but BOOJUM!s cunning use of punnery will surely prevent any legal response from them.  Given their track record, if they did find out we can expect a $100 million law-suit to be lodged.  Art!

     True, that's a Beechcraft RC12X Guardrail ELINT aircraft, one that the South Canadians have been flying up to the borders of Belarus, Ukraine and the Black Sea.  Conrad hereby names it "The Flying Aerial".  Equally true, it has nothing to do with United Airlines.  Art!

     That's because this kind of data is deadly dull.  As is obvious, UA are a major player in the South Canadian domestic market, with just over one in eight passengers flying with them.  They are, pretty obviously, a major player.  This does not mean they are necessarily a good one.  Jon Sopel has described how so many South Canadians fly that their airports have a depressingly pedestrian feel to them; passengers-as-cash-bearing-cattle being the mindset.

     Now, picture the year 2008 and British American musician David Carroll has boarded a UA flight at Chicago and is waiting for take-off.  Whilst waiting, one of his travelling companions exclaims with alarm about the guitar cases that the loaders are simply throwing around.  Dave, understandably annoyed, complains to the flight attendants, who state they can't do anything.  Strike One.

     On landing and retrieving his guitars, Dave discovers that one of them, worth $3,500, has been so badly smashed up that it's only good for firewood.  Art!

     Dave was told to file a claim for compensation, but when he tried to contact the UA headquarters, he was ignored.  Strike Two.  After nine months UA said they would pay $1,200 in compensation, not the full price.  Strike Three.  Then they said they wouldn't even pay that, because he'd missed their 24-hour window for reporting the damage.  Strike Five.

     By this time even the most polite and well-mannered British American would have gotten angry, because we are now into 2009.  What does Dave do?  Why, he records a catchy little ditty titled "United Breaks Guitars".  Art!

 - after informing the last UA person he spoke to that he was going to be making three songs on the subject.

I flew United Airlines on my way to Nebraska
The plane departed, Halifax, connecting in Chicago's "O'Hare".
While on the ground, a passenger said from the seat behind me,
"My God, they're throwing guitars out there"

The band and I exchanged a look, best described as terror
At the action on the tarmac, and knowing whose projectiles these would be
So before I left Chicago, I alerted three employees
Who showed complete indifference towards me

United...
(United...)
You broke my Taylor Guitar
United...
(United...)
Some big help you are

You broke it, you should fix it
You're liable, just admit it
I should've flown with someone else
Or gone by car

'Cause United breaks guitars.

When we landed in Nebraska, I confirmed what I'd suspected

My Taylor'd been the victim of a vicious act of malice at O'Hare

So began a year long saga, of "Pass the buck", "Don't ask me", and "I'm sorry, sir, your claim can go no where".
So to all the airlines people, from New York to New Deli
Including kind Ms. Irlweg, who says the final word from them is "no".

I heard all your excuses,
And I've chased your wild gooses
And this attitude of yours, I say, must go

United...
(United...)
You broke my Taylor Guitar
United...
(United...)
Some big help you are

You broke it, you should fix it
You're liable, just admit it
I should've flown with someone else
Or gone by car

'Cause United breaks guitars.

Well, I won't say that I'll never fly with you again,
'Cause, maybe, to save the world, I probably would,
But that won't likely happen,

And if it did, I wouldn't bring my luggage
'Cause you'd just go and break it,
Into a thousand pieces,
Just like you broke my heart

When United breaks guitars.

United...
(United...)
You broke my Taylor Guitar
United...
(United...)
Some big help you are

You broke it, you should fix it
You're liable, just admit it
I should've flown with someone else
Or gone by car

'Cause United breaks guitars.

      I know, I know, a cheap way to up the word count.  Well, the videos became a viral hit and have over 22 MILLION views and 300,000 likes.  A bit lightweight country & western for my tastes, but you can't deny the lyrics have a sly craft to them.

    Ooops. 

     Before United bit the bullet and paid Dave his deserved compensation their stock tanked by 10%, wiping $180 MILLION off their market value.

     You think that's bad?  Wait until tomorrow!

Dave the Giant Slayer

He'll Go Far, That Georgie Barr

That's being a bit over-familiar, but <checks> actually he's still alive and kicking, probably a bit feebly as he's 86.  His work tended to be science-fiction and fantasy, but one illustration that came up on Google had me wondering if he'd ventured into horror as well.  Art!

     This one reminds me of a short story by William Hope Hodgson, in the collection "Carnaki The Ghost Finder", titled "The Whistling Room".  The room is haunted by the spirit of a minstrel who was imprisoned and died there, whom in his later years had lost all reason and could only whistle a tune.  The fireplace in this room becomes a huge pair of lips and whistles the tune.  Art!

     I have absolutely no idea what this is about, just that the cover would have piqued my interest straight away.

STARRING WREXHAM!

Yes, you read that correctly: Wrexham.  Up until recently there was little to differentiate Wrexham from any other town in North Wales, except now it can boast two talents from across The Pond who are the owners of Wrexham Ballfoot Club.  Art!

     "Who could these two people possible be, ancient snowy-haired one?" I hear you quibble.  O go on then.  Rob McElhenney, of "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia", and Ryan Reynolds, of "Deadpool" and others.  They were given the Freedom of the City recently.  Art!

     That's not something you see every day.

"The Sea Of Sand"

The Doctor, as usual, is creating havoc and causing mischief, all the better to overthrow the tyrannical despotic dictatorship on Wastelandworld.

The young alien made the backwards-rearing gesture of surprise.

          The Doctor tapped his nose.

          ‘Patience!  Just wait and see.  Firstly, we need night-time.’

          Night-time was essential for two reasons.  Firstly, it would render the defenders much more vulnerable.  Secondly, it created a thermal environment essential for his scratch plan to succeed.

          Several hours later, dusk was falling as the Doctor demonstrated how to use the assembled triangles.  Practice for the bio-vores took place, until they were at least familiar with their personally issued equipment.  A few accidents reduced the number of attackers to forty seven.

          Nurbonissa still foresaw problems. 

          ‘The defenders have been re-inforced by units from other polities across the northern hemisphere.  They outnumber the attackers you plan to send.  They have many weapons.  How can only fifty rebels triumph?’

          ‘Courage, mon brave,’ replied the Doctor.  ‘This is only part two of the plan.  We still have to execute part one.  Chin up!’

          The cheerfullness wasn’t faked.  This time, the Doctor felt he had the upper hand, and all the assembled aristocrats of the entire northern hemisphere couldn’t stop him.  The only cloud on his horizon was the knowledge that Sarah and the human survivors at Mersa Martubah might be struggling without him.

          ‘Tut!’ he scornfully told himself.  ‘I’m sure they can manage without my help for a few hours.  Nothing to worry about!’

     Hmmmm perhaps.  Perhaps not.

Finally -

Well, Your Humble Scribe is off into Gomorrah-in-the-Irwell on Monday for a face-to-face interview with Adecco for a job with a prospective start date of 24/04/2023.  Hmmm no more lying in and thinking 08:30 was in any way early.  Mind you, wallet won't be squeaking in anguish quite so much.

Chin chin!