R
No, I've not made a typo nor fumbled today's title. Given that I'm currently watching 'V For Vendetta' the theme of November 5th does rather resonate.
Perhaps a little back-story would be apposite here. You see, in 1605 a villainous plot was abroad where the Houses of Parliament would be blown up, the chief conspirator with the matches being one Guy Fawkes. There was a rhyme that went with it:
"Remember, Remember,
The Fifth of November,
Gunpowder, treason and plot -"
Art!
Here an aside. The film-makers have exchanged a nuclear explosion for an engineered bio-weapon, for dramatic reasons so they can create a couple of sub-plots. Alan Moore was undoubtedly ravingly angry at this. Yes, I do have the comics, and no, I've not read them in an age. Perhaps I shall track them down and analyse the difference between them and the film.
ANYWAY none of that has anything to do with what I really wanted to discuss in this Intro, which is 'Lord Of The Rings'. Yes, again! Art!
"Porridge!" "KEEP YOUR DISTANCE WITH THAT B***** CANDLE, WORMTONGUE!"
What you see here is the back-stabbing wizard Saruman cooking up gunpowder in his basement, hence his apprehension at Grima waving a naked flame within a foot of it, which is where I cheated and 'Lot' with the title 'R' should have been 'LOTR' all along. Do keep up!
You will also notice that this is 'corned' gunpowder, which is a tad unrealistic, since it took decades before the 16th century gunsmiths worked out that granulated gunpowder was a lot more efficient than mere powder. We've discussed this in earlier BOOJUM!s.
BOOJUM!: Take A Powder (comsatangel2002.blogspot.com)
It's also very unsafe to have all those iron fitments nearby, thanks to the dangers of generating sparks. Because - Art!
This can happen
We may presume that Saruman's 'Fire Of Orthanc' is a result of his wizardly research into chemistry, rather than being anything magic, and that his creation of this explosive is utterly novel and unanticipated by his opponents. Recall the sheer astonishment and horror of Theoden witnessing what transpires when the giant containers with two tons of gunpowder do; a new force is abroad on the battlefields of Middle Earth.
Of course - obviously! - Your Humble Scribe cannot simply leave it there. O no. Art!
Mons Meg, with puny human for scale
This is a medieval bombard, constructed circa 1450 AD and thus probably somewhat outside the technology range of Middle Earth itself, yet it shows how one would successfully deal with the curtain-wall fortifications extant in both worlds: by using gunpowder artillery.
A bombard such as this, firing cannonballs of one hundredweight, would methodically destroy a defence such as the walls at Helm's Deep, and do it beyond range of the defenders retaliation. Why doesn't Saruman (who was pretty wise, after all) have a battery of these, instead of relying on suicide charges laying and firing gunpowder 'bombs'?
Novelty, Conrad surmises. Art!
No, that's a Palantir, not a cannonball. Although, if you had two, you could fire one over the ramparts of your foe and see what was going on behind the walls, and if you were worried about a bit of reverse spying, all you need do is keep yours in a bag when not in use, sin
ANYWAY don't forget Saruman had only just invented gunpowder, he would have needed to devote a lot of time, resources and effort to construct bombards, no matter how primitive, since they hadn't been invented yet. I think his rationale was 'Go with the good, not the best'. He needed to march on Rohan immediately, not wait six months for experimenting.
Of course, I could be over-thinking this ...
We Are Living In The Future
The James Webb Space Telescope and self-driving cars are proof enough of this. On a less social and considerably more destructive level, let us meet JDAM-ER. Art!
Iron, or 'dumb' bomb
This puppy is guided merely by ballistics and is not especially accurate, so they tend to get used in numbers to compensate. Art!
This is the 'Joint Direct Attack Munition Extended Range' bomb, a kit that turns any dumb bomb into a precision one, thanks to directional steering tail fins and a GPS system. When dropped, the wings unfold and it can cruise 50 miles to target. Yes, that's the range of Harry HIMARS. However, these bombs can have from twice to ten times the explosive payload of Harry. No treason involved, just a whole lot of gunpowder.
Vlad Is Bad
No, this is Vlad Vexler, one of the Ruffians who got out of Ruffia because he didn't want to live in Sinister Union 2.0. Art!
One reason I picked up on this chap is because his English is excellent and his vocabulary puts a lot of This Sceptred Isle's residents to shame. Here's a link to his Youtube channel if you feel curious. Be aware, it's not just some Ruffian dude bloviating and swearing, he does pretty cogent analyses.
Art!
Chin chin!
"The Sea Of Sand"
The Doctor has been sent, as a prisoner, to the bio-vores homeworld, along with a clutch of the much-put-upon Farmers, the downtrodden underclass.
.
The leaching proboscis lanced out –
-
to be severed at mid-point by the Doctor with a great razor-edged shard of
glass discovered in his pocket (a remnant from the shattered glass towing
cable), swept down in a slashing movement straight from a karate text book.
The
mutilated Warrior stumbled backwards, screaming thinly and clutching at the
stump waving bloodily on his face. With
an unexpected reprieve, all four Farmer bio-vores suddenly raced from the
platform, bowling over several Warriors.
Glass darts flew, orders were shouted and two Farmer corpses were
dragged back to the trans-mat complex minutes later.
‘You! You again!’ barked an unpleasantly familiar
voice from the platform’s control console.
‘Ah,
hello, Sur, old chap. How’s tricks?’
asked the Doctor in an entirely assumed nonchalant voice. He had remained perfectly still whilst the
pursuit went on.
‘Rather
a lively alien, for one supposedly
dead,’ added another caped bio-vore standing next to Sur. ‘Perhaps they have the secrets of resurrection,
eh?’
‘Kill
him! Kill him now!’ shouted Sur, with
ferocious emphasis. His bio-vore
compatriot moved backward a step, keeping eyes on Sur whilst still speaking.
‘Alive
and well and spreading revolt, sufficient for the punishment,’ said the
bio-vore, suddenly shooting out it’s proboscis.
Lord Excellency Sur, having failed his peers, was deemed liable to pay
the ultimate sacrifice.
Hmmmmm didn't see that one coming, did you, Sur?
Whither The Weather?
Conrad walked Edna this morning in bright sunshine, if with an added chilly breeze. Not long after the heavens darkened and - snow! Then the clouds merely looked threatening, then - snow! Now we're back to blue skies again. This, you see, is one reason why British strangers always have a topic to fall back on when in company. How dull and boring must Australia or Florida be, poor folks. Art!
O yeah I forgot. Entertain via hurricane.
"Universal Epic Battle Simulator"
Remember that bizarre Youtube clip of '100 Artillery Versus 100,000 Zombies'? Well, that only scratched the surface, there are countless other variants even stranger - e.g. 'Can Ranged Units Stop 7,000 T-Rex?" Art!
They also have John Wick and Nicolai Tesla
As you can see, UEBS ensured carnage ensued. Art!
The T-Rexs lose.
I'm grateful that UEBS keeps these people busy and off the streets.
Pip pip!
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