I, Robot - You John

OR: A Tale Of Two Johns

To begin this Intro - no, don't worry, it's not about 'The Architecture In Lord Of The Rings' at least not this time - we need to refer to one of the most famous and influential South Canadian sci-fi writers ever, one Isaac Asimov.  Even people who don't read sci-fi will be aware of him thanks to the 'Foundation' television series, not to mention films like 'Bicentennial Man', which Conrad hasn't seen and has no plans to remedy this deficiency, and 'I, Robot', which I may have seen, but if so it was so bland that I remember nothing.   Art!

Eye eye, robot

     Besides his 'Foundation' trilogy I WILL NOT ACCEPT ANY MORE THAN THREE NOVELS he was also famous within sci-fi for his depiction of robots with positronic brains.  Now, Ol' Ize was a very clever chap, he had qualified with a BSc, an MA and a PhD, so he knew his science stuff.  He was also rather fed up with the trope of Robot Rebellion, for which we can all blame Carl Kapek and his play 'R.U.R.' (although his robots are more clones than machines).  Art!

Killer Klones From Inner Space

     For twenty years science fiction had been plagued by robots that became self-aware and inevitably rose against their human masters, leading to the collapse of civilisation, no tea imports from India and a lack of Marmite.

     Okay, so Ol' Ize had the novel idea of core programming a robot, which led to his famous Three Laws Of Robotics:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

2. A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law.

     As others have pointed out, and as the collections of short stories Ol' Ize published attest, these laws are not bulletproof and are put forward in English, leaving plenty of wiggle-room.

     The thing that always bothered Conrad about these Three Laws was that the blurb on the back cover always claimed that Ol' Ize 'almost single-handedly' created them, which to a pedantic hair-splitter like myself is a challenge.  Art!

     Enter the other part of the equation: editor John W. Campbell, who managed 'Astounding'.  He quantified and compiled the Three Laws, stating that he was only making explicit what was implicit in Ol' Ize's stories.  Campbell was a remarkable editor who had a way of throwing out ideas or challenges to authors, to see what kind of stories they came up with.  He had a only minor career within the sci-fi genre as an author himself, apart from one work, the short story "Who Goes There?" which is a terrifying piece of sci-fi horror that has inspired three different films.  Art!

     The second one, from 1982, is definitely the best.

     Campbell was editor of 'Astounding' for 34 years and helped start the careers of not only Ol' Ize, but Robert Heinlein, Theodore Sturgeon and Arthur C. Clark.  Ol' Ize, who fell out with him thanks to JWC's personal beliefs, nevertheless acknowledged him as 'The most powerful force in science fiction ever.'  Art!

The 1982 version

     I was going to cover John Peel, a.k.a. John Ravenscroft, except it's getting late thanks to being out at Emmaus this afternoon, not to mention First Bus living down to their usual standards of punctuality, so we shall move on.  You'll get pictures of The Haul tomorrow.
     Hmmmm, Conrad wonders if the motley has a positronic brain?

"Johnny English Reborn"

Conrad is no doubt going to be castigated for purchasing this, probably far more than for getting "Zombie Holocaust", but at 33p you can't fault it.  I was surprised to see a fresh-faced  20-year old Daniel Kaluuya in it, because he's British yet managed a South Canadian accent so convincingly in "Sicario" that I had no idea.  Art!

Dan the man

     ANYWAY what struck me was a post-credits scene where Johnny English is preparing a meal.  Art!

     He's doing all this chopping and slicing in rhythm to "Hall Of The Mountain King", a tune that clips along at a pretty fair rate.  How was this chopping and slicing done?  Is it all CGI?  Were the blades blunt?  Made out of rubber?  Because I simply cannot see the director or the insurance company cheerfully agreeing to a scene where Rowan Atkinson might lose fingers if not an entire hand.  Nothing online to explain how it was done.  Colour me baffled.

Dog Daze

Another recounting by a passenger of a Lady Of Enormous Entitlement aboard a South Canadian airliner.  LOEE had her pet dog, a snappy, aggressive toy breed that had already attempted to bite another passenger, in her lap.  The flight attendant told her to replace the dog in the under-seat animal box, otherwise the plane would divert to have her removed.

     LOEE insisted that Fluffy wasn't bothering anyone (LIES!) and refused to secure the annoying biting bundle of bother.  The Air Marshall came up to try and persuade her, to no avail.

     LOEE and behold, the plane diverted to Denver Airport, where police boarded and took her away in handcuffs.  Fluffy was impounded by Animal Control.  Art!

"Fluffy?  O Fluffy!"

"The Sea Of Sand"

Sarah and Doretti are aware of a high-pitched buzzing noise that has the latter puzzled and the former worried that the bio-vores have discovered the Doctor.

She swept the sands with the telescope, whilst Doretti used binoculars, neither being able to spot aliens. 

          ‘Hey!’ called Albert from below.  ‘There’s an aircraft!’  He pointed out to the east.

          A mosquito-like blob rapidly resolved itself into an airplane, a high-wing monoplane that flew low and slow, getting lower by the second.  Sliding rapidly down the crude ladder and collecting splinters, Sarah raced over to Albert.  The engine sounded ragged and uneven.

          Dominione had thought faster than anyone, revving up one of the desert cars and moving across the main route in the depot, throwing up a cloud of dust.

          The oncoming plane flew lower and lower, eventually rebounding high into the air several times in false landings before settling into a long, slow taxi amidst huge dust clouds, engine revving and misfiring intermittently.  Dominione raced over the gravel after the still-moving aircraft, vanishing into the obscuring cloud.  The closer he got, the more obvious signs of damage became; several of the windscreen panels were shattered, the fuselage was rent and both wings sported narrow holes.

     Ooops.  Something has clearly gone wrong.  The question is, how wrong?

Ice Ice Baby

When one thinks of the South Canadian state of California, one associates it with beaches and sunshine, surfers, hotdogs on a stick, 'Baywatch' and James Rockford in his somewhat seedy beachfront trailer.  

     However ... Art!

     This is a shopping centre whose roof collapsed due to the weight of snow upon it.  You can't blame the architects for not taking this into consideration when they designed it.  'Able to withstand 20 tonnes of snow' doubtless not part of the specifications.

Finally -

I only need a few words here to reach the Adjusted Compositional Ton, and now I have done.

Tally-ho!