Flaming Onions!

As Frequently Happens Here -

This one will take a while to develop, and takes in a few wild tangential diversions along the way.  Don't complain, it's excellent mental training.  Remember - we're living in the future!

     The first thing that comes up when you Google 'Flaming onions' is mention of a 'Hibachi Volcano', which sounds Japanese, nicht wahr? and the land of Nippon is known to suffer from this kind of affliction.  Art!

Dramatic!

     Why, Japanese motorways that transit near non-dormant volcanoes are provided with stout shelters for drivers, just in case.  Could this term refer to a Japanese volcano that spits out lava like balls of fire?

     Sadly for Conrad and his obsession with all things explode-y, it was not to be.  A Hibachi volcano is a pyramid made out of onions, into the middle of which is libated a little oil and vodka, which you then set alight.  Crazily complex way to get onion rings if you ask me.  Art!

"Shokaki wa doko ni arimasu ka?*"

     Let us abruptly change course here and divert to that honoured Belgian pilot Willy Coppens (or, to credit the chap with his full name: Willy Omer Francois Jean baron Coppens de Houthulst), who was an aerial combatant of the First Unpleasantness, and who made a name (hopefully the shorter version) for himself by blowing up balloons.  Art!

ART!

    <sounds of Elephant Tazer being applied to Art's tender hide>

     IF you will allow me to explain further, whilst Art stops quivering and applies a little Sudocrem; I am talking about the static kite balloons of the First Unpleasantness, which were used for observation purposes.  I cannot possibly use the Teuton version as it is manifestly NSFW.  Let us see if Art -

The eminently SFW British kite balloon

     As is clearly visible here, a pair of observers would ascend to several thousand feet, from which vantage they could see well behind enemy lines, and if they saw anything interesting, why, it would get a great big dose of shellfire, since the observers had a telephone line to the ground.

     One drawback of being perched under a kite balloon of that era was the gas used to inflate it: hydrogen.  Hydrogen and fire get on like a house in splinters thanks to it's flammability.  Just so you know.

     ANYWAY these balloons on the Teuton side of the lines were the prime targets of balloon-busters like Willy (sorry about this, his name just popped up in my head today), so they were defended by anti-aircraft guns, occasional standing air patrols and a mystery weapon that fired what Allied pilots called 'flaming onions'.  The ordnance fired from this weapon appeared to ascend as a string of glowing balls, much commented upon in his early days by Major Bigglesworth.

     Well, mystery solved.  It means "Where is the fire extinguisher".  

    O, the flaming onions?  Solved that, too.  Art!

     The weapon was a flare-firing gun as used originally by the Teuton navy, then adopted by the army, and would fire off it's five tracer rounds in rapid succession, hoping to hit one of that war's fabric and wire flying wonders.  Doped aircraft fabric NO SNIGGERING AT THE BACK! was treated with a solution of nitrocellulose, which will catch fire if you sneeze at it.  If one of the flaming onions hit an Allied airplane it would at the very least leave a great big hole in it, or even set it alight.

     

"Not cricket, old boy."

     Well, I did warn you we were going to swerve around a tad.  Next!

"To The Lake"

Conrad did warn you he was watching this incredibly bleak Ruffian apocalyptic drama, which he started as of last night - kind of a sorbet to clear the palate in between the gargantuan "Sisyphus: The Myth", that Sork sci-fi drama about seventeen hours long.  Art! O stop whining so.  Run it under a cold tap.

I'll translate in a minute

     ANYWAY TTL is about a group of families trying to escape from the suburbs of Moscow and drive to Karelia, where there is an island in the middle of a lake, hence the title.  Why drive 600 miles into the northern winter?  Because there's a plague outbreak in Moscow; if you catch it there's no cure and you'll be dead in four days.

     This might sound shockingly insensitive, given that we are still living with Covid-19, but TTL was created before 'Coronavirus' was even a prospect, although Netflix have seen fit to change the original title (seen above): "Epidemic"

     We'll come back to this, don't you worry.

You Are Plainly Not Worried Enough

So let's wheel out another instalment of "Tormentor" with a big thank you for all your words of praise, which are surely only slightly delayed?

After seeing off the last of his students in the afternoon session, dealing with “Dickens and Late Victorian London”, Louis made his way to the library.  Once there he didn’t quite know what he was looking for, except that it ought to come under a heading like “Occult” or “Religion”, so he took a bagful of books that might be relevant.  That was the good thing about travelling by bus; the ability to read whilst in transit.

               Jen’s spirit appeared in the lounge when he got in, carrying his sack of literature.

               ‘Why not use the internet?  Really, Luma, you are a techno-Luddite!’

               ‘I’ve told you before, Jen.  Free access to information doesn’t mean it’s correct.  The internet doesn’t have an editor, unlike these books.  If I want to know about silly conspiracy theories I’ll try the internet, but until then - ’

               Friday brought another session with the dreaded remedial class.  Their numbers had now dwindled to eleven from the supposed fifteen.

               ‘Biffo’s on the run, sir,’ informed one student.

               ‘How glamorous,’ replied Louis, well aware of the realities of trying to evade the law.  ‘How romantic.  Not being able to sign on, he’s going to be living in squats and doorways and robbing to stay alive.  Which will rapidly get him arrested.  Any more news about any more ex-students?’

               A reluctant whisper went round the classroom.

               ‘Er – well, Titch and Pip said you were into black magic and won’t come in.  Titch is back in Hindley.’

               ‘ “Black magic”?’ asked Louis, with considerable emphasis.  ‘Can’t they think of a better excuse than that!  Black magic!’ and he laughed with genuine amusement.  Suddenly pointing at a student, he asked a dramatic question.

               ‘Why should an employer take you on?’

     I may have to excise the next paragraph entirely as Luma veers into concepts that have no place in the classroom.  Unless said classroom is full of unemployable semi-literate criminals.

How Dangerous Is This Lighthouse?

First question, is it a 'wave-washed' lighthouse, because if it is then the chances are pretty high that, yes, it's going to be dangerous, not merely isolated and hard to get to.  Art!

Doesn't look that promising.

     There's not a lot of information about this building, which is securely sat atop an island in the Tremiti Archipelago (booh!).  However (hmmmm?) the Italian 'Tremiti' means 'Trembling', because these islands are prone to -

     EARTHQUAKES!  Hooray, so it is dangerous after all.  The lighthouse was abandoned in 1980 and was never replaced, nor maintained, so it's looking a bit shabby now.  Art!

Fixer-upper

     And with that, we are most certainly done.  Not even enough room for a "Finally -".

*  Japanese, of course.  Shan't tell you what it means.