Do You Recall -

That Scene In The BBC's Premier Dramamentary "Doctor Who"

"The Robots Of Death" - this was back in the Seventies, when every other serial had "Death" or "Doom" in the title and you couldn't have that today because it might make people un-necessarily nervous - and if that idle slacker Art can put down his bowl of coal -

Robots being robot-y

     The whole serial is set aboard a mobile factory vehicle that extracts valuable minerals from the sands of planet Whatever (really, they never name it); it has a minimal human crew but scads of robots, which are very nicely designed, I must say.  And whatever action they might be taking, pressing buttons, getting supplies or committing bloody murder, they always have the same calm voice.  Which is creepy.

     ANYWAY the Doctor observes that a huge sandstorm is approaching the sand-miner, which he observed as a good thing, because it would stir up the sands and allow hidden minerals to be mined.  Art!

That behemoth Storm Mine 4

     You have to use your imagination to scale it up a bit.

     "Where are we going with this?" I hear you query. O I thought you'd never ask!  Well, hopefully you remember that I had to empty out my (now im-)mobile bookcase in order to be able to shift it across the room, and then add all the books back in. This was the equivalent of a sandstorm on the surface of Whatever since most of the shelves were two layers deep, and too tightly packed to even view the hidden back row.

     Lo!  I came across my original edition of "The West Riding Division In The Great War" which I haven't so much as opened since buying it a few years back.  Art!

     Rather to my surprise, it turns out to have been published in 1920, thus joining the ranks of my century-old editions, and allow me to prove my point pictorially.  Art!

     "Fully illustrated" normally means photographs, so in another surprise I discovered many nice pen and ink drawings, and if Art can motivate his carcass -

     A Casualty Clearing Station, for your information, was located well behind the front lines and received injured troops who were collected from the forward Regimental Aid Posts, where emergency care had been administered.

     So!

62nd Divisional emblem
(No, I have no idea why)

     And thus we have today's Intro, for which you are welcome.  O in case you were wondering, the motley is sleeping off an ice cream headache; olive and ptarmigan flavour has that effect if you overdo it.

Intelligent Not Clever

Okay, more anecdotes from a 'Tales From Tech Support' thread on Youtube, and one that stuck in my mind.  The Original Poster ('OP' from now on) was an IT support technician at a South Canadian hospital, who had a call from a doctor about his PC not working properly.  Art!

A PC.  Just so we're clear.

     When OP arrived, the doctor explained that the PC kept turning itself off, that he had found a temporary solution and would demonstrate.  The PC monitor went dark, so the doctor began to punch the top of his PC, which miraculously came back to life.  OP explained to the doctor about his PC going onto standby, and hitting the computer had jiggled the mouse a tiny amount, which brought said PC out of standby.  Moving the mouse was a lot more sensible, since the computer housing already had a dent in it.

     As I said, intelligent just not very clever.

A different kind of PC*
(Note absence of pelicans)

You What?

Here's another steal from the BBC, who are loudly proclaiming their 100th birthday.  What do they want, cake and a medal?  What they posted were pictures of obscure scientific equipment, with an appeal to the public to identify what these mysterious artefacts are.  Art!

     The only clue you the reader has is that these were all stored at the Royal Horticultural Society's building, and so presumably have a connection with science that way.  Exhibit the first - Art!

     So - the crank handle raises or lowered the notched rod, which affected the bowl-shaped object in some fashion, which nobody can determine, and notice that there's a switch on the object's base, too.

     Conrad baffled.  Veeblefetzer prototype?

Time For Torment!

You know you love it really.  As you recall, Luma had just dismissed a class of chavvy ne'er-do-wells, whom he had dealt with thanks to the presence of a spirit.

‘Thanks,’ said Louis to his ethereal helper.  She shrugged.

‘Glad to help. That Biffo had a knife, you know.’

Louis blinked in alarm.

‘No, I didn’t!  I ought to be more careful in future.’

‘Oh, don’t worry, I’d have paralysed him if he’d tried to use it.  I’ve learnt to do that.  And there’s more.’

Paralysed? Where the hell did Jen learn this stuff?

‘Talking to yourself?  First sign of madness,’ commented the next tutor who was scheduled to use the room, bustling into the room with an armful of files.

‘I’m the only one who understands me,’ said Louis, the acid retort flying lightly off his tongue.  He gathered up the test results and left.

“Please ring me” said the message in his pigeonhole, signed by the Reverend Sharples.  He did, using the phone in the staffroom.

‘Oh, Mister McMahon.  I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve asked Father Geoghan to come and sit in next Monday, when I hope you’ll return to see me.  Father Geoghan is rather more experienced in these matters than I am.’

‘Go on,’ sighed Louis.

 

Unused to an early start to the week meant he nearly missed his stop on the homeward bus, dozily leaning against the window.  Jen nudged him awake in time for him to make an undignified rush to get off.

Whilst the flowers and notes were still there at the alleyway entrance, the Mobile Incident portacabin had gone.

Wonder what that means? pondered Louis.  Made an arrest?

Jen displayed a new talent by literally walking through the front door, which made his hair stand on end; he realised, with a touch of wonder, that he’d begun to take her for granted, as an almost-Jennifer.  Well, that would teach him to be complacent.

     Things proceed apace.  Tune in tomorrow for the next instalment, since nobody's pleading with me to JUST PLEASE STOP.

BOOJUM! Reviews Films

In our own special way.  Put it like this, if you want a proper review, go see Mark Kermode.  Art!

Author of film reviews and "How To Strangle A Cat"

"THE 355":  SOMEONE HERE CANNOT COUNT!  Take a look at the publicity picture for this thing.  Art!

     How many people are present?  FIVE!  Where are the other 350?  Are they going to be added digitally in post-production?  Do they only exist in the wings and we never get to see them?  Conrad is dismissive.

"SCREAM": O good lord aloft, this franchise is still going, is it?  Let me recap: there's this killer who wears a black gown and a mask, who goes around killing people with a knife.  That is, he stabs people to death, not merely those people who had a bladed kitchen utensil about their person.  Art!

     Really.  This, in South Canada, where there are more guns than people?  Most unrealistic plot ever.

"ALTOGETHER DIFFERENT":  These bus posters seem to be Channel 4 tooting it's own horn.  Guys, if you have to point it out on a poster, then it's not true.

EXACTLY THE SAME

     And with that, we are done.

* O go on then.  "Police constable"