You Know, The Ancient Greek Author
Who wrote about human foibles and weaknesses, disguising his morals by using animals rather than Hom. Sap.
Last week Conrad was pondering upon the Bob Shaw sci-fi fix-up "Ship Of Strangers" for no other reason than it was a Tuesday, and here's a picture of the edition I had. Art!
The first story of five in this collection is kind of an homage to A. E. Van Vogt, one of Shaw's youthful inspirations, and I regret that I cannot find any listing of what the title is. Suffice it to say that the exploratory ship 'Sarafand' lands on a barren, sterile blasted rock of a world, and sends out six roving explorer modules.
The trouble is, when they return there are now seven ...
We are introduced to the narrator, David Surgenor, and also Captain Aesop, which is where the twist in the tale comes from. SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! - *
The villain of the piece in this first story is Candar, a variety of super-powered alien life, able to shapeshift and control minds. Seven thousand years before the events unfolding above, it as a mere cub and both it's parents had been 'detained' by a spaceship of the Grey Empire, as they casually slaughtered a village of humanoids for food. Both parents are sent on a one-way trip into the sun, and the infant dropped on a hellish rock that transited twin suns. Art!
It got - very hot
The thing is, Ol' Bob makes only a few passing references to the Grey Empire. The 'Sarafand' later encounters some of their more lethal technology left behind, and a couple of characters mention said empire in passing, yet we find out practically nothing about it; about the only detail is that they were 'pulling back' from a particular region of space. This is a shame, as Your Humble Scribe would like to know more about the subject. The reference to 'pulling back' (these may not be the exact words, it's over 30 years since I read it) implies actions similar to the later Roman or the Byzantine or even Venetian empires here on Earth, rationalising and withdrawing from untenable territories. Art!
O Byzantium
We can deduce a few things about the Greys. For one, they did not tolerate either their citizens or subjects being massacred by other aliens; note that there was no trial or judicial process involved in the removal of all three shape-shifters, they were just hoiked into orbit from ground level. They also seemed to make a distinction between adult and infant; the former were obliterated in a matter of hours, the latter having a suspended death sentence of over seven thousand years imposed.
Of course, I could be over-thinking this a bit ...
Skirting The Boundaries Of Bad Taste
Okay, you ought to be O so aware that BOOJUM! has been, rather whimsically I may add, plotting and planning on how a Roman legion would tackle an oncoming horde of zombies. We have carefully avoided picking any fixed date for this event but if you fondly imagine 0 AD then you're not far wrong. Or perhaps entirely wrong. It depends.
ANYWAY let us now look at darts. More specifically, lethal darts. Art!
Shades of Robert Templeton!
<sigh> do I need to go into the M.A.C.H.** Hyperpower program as run by MI6? Not today, that's for certain.
You see, in the later Roman empire their infantry were often equipped with a weapon known as 'Plumbata' or 'Martiobarbalus', which kind of translates as a barbed dart that had extra weight added to give it more POW to whomsoever got it on the receiving end. Art!
With human hand for scale
These things were pretty effective, especially against infantry or cavalry whose shields were either down or non-existent; against such they would be thrown in as flat a trajectory as possible, for minimum flight time.
Against zombies? Well, the first rank of legionaries would do the flat-traj throw, aiming for their heads. Ranks behind the front row of legionaries would throw at a very raised angle, meaning the plumbata traversed a parabola and came down close to vertical, thus being highly likely to impact zombie brain-pan. Art!
Of course, I may be overthinking this ...
Where Is The Bad Taste?
In Lawn Darts is where it is. These 'toys' were arguably a modern-day adaptation of the plumbata, wherein darts with a pointed metal tip would be hurled overhand to try and impact a target hoop laid horizontally on the ground. Art!
CAUTION! does not go well with alcohol
Just as the yoyo is an adaptation of a Filipino weapon, so these toys proved quite deadly. Three children in South Canada died in accidents with lawn darts, leading to their being banned in South Canada and British America. Or at least the version with a lethal metal prong has been; there are safer versions that are 100% plastic. One of those toys to be rejected alongside the toy glass-blowing kit or the acetylene-powered fun gun***.
SWANS!
Your Humble Scribe made a throw-away crack about swans on Facebook and Twitter, which has probably gotten MI5 interested again, the nosey parkers.
Swans, you see, in This Sceptred Isle, are not simply geese-with-pretentions. O no. In England and Wales they are deemed the property of the Crown, in other words Ms. Elizabeth Windsor, and if you lay or attempt to lay your hot sweaty hands upon them, then there will be trouble. Art!
HM The Queen and a Swan Keeper
In that you'll probably wake up when PAGODA Six blow in your windows and haul you outside, manacled and with a bag over your head, alongside the contents of your fridge, freezer and wheelybin.
Of course, I could be overthinking this ...
Finally -
Just to inform that Conrad has made another batch of Bigos, because the weather of late has positively demanded that stew be on the hob, which it now is.
There is a risk, mind you, that the weather over the next week will in fact be scorchingly hot and thus entirely unfit for stew, which is a risk one takes with both the weather and cookery in this, the Pond Of Eden.
British summertime
* It's an acronym: Advanced Electronic Spaceship Operator and Pilot.
** "Man Activated by Compu-puncture Hyperpower" if you MUST know. Hmmm we are getting through acronyms today, aren't we?
*** Both real, and we've covered them in the past
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