Stoney Faced

As You Should Surely Know By Now

Conrad's journeys across the internet are frequently the unfocussed meanderings of whimsy, non sequiteurs and random chance, ending up who-knows-where.  Well, the other night they ended up at "Spy Trap", a little-known but well-regarded espionage series from the early to mid-Seventies as broadcast on the font of all that's fit to be <thinks> writ* , the BBC.  Art!

CAUTION! No this is not "Yes Minister"

     Although I was too young and inexperienced to recognise the fact at the time, it had a roster of outstanding British character actors, including the leads - Paul Daneman, above; Julian Glover; and Prentis Hancock as regulars - 

     - and a name in the featured players on each episode caught my eye.  

     'I say, Conrad old sport, here's a possibly chortlesome chap whose name we can prostitute across the internet for our trivial amusement!' and, do you know, I didn't object to my conversation.

     Thus we encounter - KEVIN STONEY! and today's title.  You may now groan quietly if you wish.  

Art!

Supercilious and untrustworthy

     He patented a line in remote, aloof villains and he appeared in the BBC's premier dramamentary "Doctor Who" three times; the first time as rogue Mavic Chen, the elected leader of the Solar System, who is plotting (sinisterly, always sinisterly!) to take over with the help of a load of criminal aliens, because - hmmm - just because.  Leader of the entire Solar System not good enough for him?  No squeaky toys as an infant?  Who knows.  Art!

Oozing evil from every orifice

     There is a bit of nonsense about a Macguffin called a Time Destructor, the fate of the Galaxy is at stake, etcetera.  It all comes good in the end, which you can't take as a spoiler as only one or two episodes out of twelve remain extant.

     His second, much more memorable role was as Tobias Vaughn, the ruthless and amoral head of International Electromatics, who - again - was conspiring with Evil Aliens Whom I Shan't Describe (because four episodes of six are still extant).  Art!

Tobias Vaughn expressing scorn

     One of the creepiest moments of the serial is where the Doctor and Jamie hide from Vaughn and his goons in packing containers; Jamie, to his horror, sees the inert fabric-wrapped bundle in his case start to pulse and wriggle -

     - and the next episode is one of the missing ones.  So we don't see what happened.  Art!

"Doctor - wanna buy a second-hand Time Destructor?"

     His third bite at the cherry was under such a load of make-up and prosthetics that you can't see his magnificently smarmy face.  Art!

Tyrum

     This was "Revenge of the Evil Aliens Whom I Can't Tell You About Because The Whole Four Episodes Are Still Available" and I think you can only agree with me that, here, Kevin looks very stony-faced.

     Which is where we came in.

     Motley!  Have you ever tried to wear a mask made out of stone?  Well then you're in for a treat**!

     Yes, Vulnavia, "The Suicide Squad" is very entertaining, which is why this blog is taking so long to complete and we're still only 40 minutes in.  Dog Buns! Doing two things poorly instead of one thing well.

STRABISMUS!

Again, I must apologise profusely a little bit for another word that came out of the depths of my fetid mind, quite without provocation or expectation.

     Coming to it cold, I had no idea what it meant, and since I'm typing this downstairs whilst my trusty Collins Concise is upstairs, I can't look it up (we are getting our tenses mixed up here).  It did seem to need be shouted dramatically in upper case with an exclamation mark, mind.

     So - is it a hero from ancient Rome, who gallantly held off a horde of Bithynians so that his comrades could escape?

     Nope.

     Is it element 67, found in a Scandinavian mine in 1834, near the town of Strabisund?

     Nope.  Not that, either.

     The rallying cry of the Hussites, shouted in memory of their martyred leader?

     Nope, sorry.

     Art!

      It's the medical term for a squint.

    A squint.  how anti-climactic.

More like it!

Do You Know, I Am Going To Be Naughty Again

Yes, I got away with it earlier yesterday when simultaneously upping my word count and pushing an old MSS that I'd been re-reading.  So I shall repeat the process, and if you don't like it - say so in a Comment.

     "The newest arrival at Location Orange was not a humble infantry officer arriving from Royton, no, rather it was the gigantic scaffolding tower at least fifty metres high that loomed over the campus from where it had been erected in the car park.

     When I signed in at Reception Captain White was not visible, merely his ADC and the Civilian Auxiliary staff working on rotas and transport and Veuve  Cliquot delivery.

     ‘Captain White not here?’ I asked.

     ‘Off with his wife and kids,’ offered one of the CA’s in a sing-song voice.  ‘In the Family Quarters.  I’ll let him know you’ve arrived, Mister Dee.’

     For a fraction of a second that got by me.

     ‘Hey!  It’s “Lieutenant Edmonds” to you!’ "

     'Location Orange', for your information, is the campus at Hopwood Hall, a real live further education campus in Rochdale.  Art!

     At least it was last time I looked.  Hopefully not another important location bulldozed!  It would make the location scout's jobs sooooo much harder for the film version, when it comes out.

Blackwaterfoot

One of the penalties (or pleasures) of having a retentive memory is how things come back to prod their mental elbows into your mental ribs, until you give them a stern mental frown and they mentally back down.

     And thus it is with Blackwaterfoot, a village mentioned in "Para Handy Tales" that I just decided to check out.  Yes, it exists.  It is one of the smaller villages on the Isle of Arran, with an equally small harbour.  Art!

     Para Handy would have been interested because he was the captain of a 'puffer', a small tramp steamer that operated out of the Clyde, conceivably doing business in the harbour above.  Art!

Finally -

Yes, I need to get this finished off and tidied away because "Suicide Squad", still only 42 minutes in and there's only so long before everyone else returns from their attendance at a comedy gig in Royton, and I have to give up my pole position on the comfy chair in front of the large screen television.  Quick, Vulnavia, pull the crank handle and sound the siren!

     O wait - look who's turned up.  No, Mac, no emergencies here.  Forget the sirens.

*  Yes yes yes, it's broadcast not written.  You try finding any variation of 'broadcasting' that rhymes with 'fit'.

**  Our definitions of 'treat' may differ substantially