There You Go
And a sci-fi classic never gets off the first page. You see? You see how all drama revolves around conflict? Conrad once got a sci-fi novel from the library, a good many years ago, and stopped reading it after a hundred pages of nothing happening; it was so dull I cannot remember the author or title. Then there was that supposed 'murder mystery' where the murder is discovered on page one, and then - again! - nothing happens for another ninety-nine pages. Another library book I gave up on. I think it had 'London' in the title. London! Art -
London in Victorian times
How many of Dickens' novels were set in London? With this city as a backdrop you have to work hard to create something dull and listless. Hmmm maybe the murder-mystery ("How did this book ever get published!") was set in New York - which is like London, except with a lot more guns.
ANYWAY allow me to add in a couple of pictures from my shopping expedition to Gomorrah-on-the-Irwell yesteryon. Art!
Your Humble Scribe has never actually seen the whole of "Ben Hur" before, probably because when it was on television way back in his youth, he lacked the attention-span to manage it. 214 minutes long, you know. Another reason for purchasing it is to see what matte work was done on it, because there has to be at least a few glass paintings involved in an epic like this. I shall report back on my findings, gentle readers.
"Ben did not enjoy his Mediterranean cruise"
And Conrad enjoyed "Ad Astra" precisely because it was bleak and chilly. We shall see how it holds up on the small screen.
The girl on the till at Oxfam asked me what "Sir Nigel" was about, so I tried to give her a potted account; it's a prequel to "The White Company", which was about English mercenaries fighting in Spain against the French in the thirteenth century (ah, some enmities have a long pedigree!). SN is about his earlier exploits. Darling Daughter may have another work winging her way when I finish it. Art!
 |
| - when spilling a man's drink could have serious consequences |
"Hard Times" is refreshingly brief, for a Dickens. The sales girl said she liked Dickens as well, and I said yes I did too (or why would I be buying the novel?) but his stuff is usually three inches thick ("Bleak House" I am looking at you). HT is only barely one inch thick. I do remember being told that Coketown, a Victorian vision of Hades, was based on -
Preston!
Conrad unsure of the veracity of this statement. I will let you know if further reading uncovers more corroboration.
That's not all the haul. O noes! Art!
You shouldn't need any introduction to Judge Dredd; you know, lawman of the future, almost humourless, frequently accused of fascism, getting on in years but still tough as varnished teak -
ANYWAY Conrad had been studying the 'Vintage Films' section in Fopp! since charity shops never have anything dated pre-1990, and he noticed one title "The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter", which sounds fantastic but tells you absolutely nothing about the film. What is the stand-out story in "Control"? Why none other than "The Heart Is A Lonely Klegg Hunter" which is hilarious. Art!
The Sensitive Klegg
The irony is that the Kleggs were a race of vicious, carnivorous alien reptilicanoids*, used by the insane Judge Cal to occupy, oppress and occasionally eat the population of Mega-City One. Sensitive, however, does not eat meat, is very polite and well-mannered, and counts Judge Dredd as a friend acquaintance person he helped once. Of course, everyone assumes the worst - and it has grammatical analyses!
Kleggs: the shockingly unsensitive variety
You shouldn't need an introduction to Hellboy, either. This is one of a series of comic shorts dating from post-Second Unpleasantness, well before the - well, let us avoid spoilers.
And Your Humble Scribe binge-read the complete "Y - The Last Man" yesteryon. I confess I cheated and looked at the ending when I encountered a volume in the library; which made no sense at all, because you need to read what came before. Art!
A man and his monkey
Wow, that was an Intro and then some. Motley, man the Magma Moat, for I hear the sinister sound of steam locomotives!
Real-World Physics Versus Zombies
Conrad enjoyed "Army Of The Dead" for what it was, a B-movie with a whacking big budget that you cannot pause to look at with a critical eye, lest the plot holes become apparent. Let us take the opening AND THERE BE SPOILERS AHEAD JIM LAD, ARRR!
Sorry, no idea why I came over all Robert Newton there.
SPOILERS BY GUM!
Hmmm no idea why Bertie Wooster there, either.
ANYWAY at the very beginning of the film we have a zombie escaping from it's transport, because the container fell off a truck. I think somebody underbid on the construction contract for that. You can tell this bit needed to be glossed over as there are NO PICTURES on teh Interwebz, bar the one below that's about six minutes in.
Well, the soldiers escorting the convoy blast away at Zombie Zero, who is entirely unaffected. When we see him above, there are no bullet wounds at all. Hmmm. If someone unloads twenty or thirty rounds into you at point blank range, it would cut you in two, and knock you bottom-over-teakettle to boot. 'Ah, but - Zombie Physics!' say the scriptwriters.
Smarter than the scriptwriters
There are two survivors, one with an injured leg, whom immediately ABANDON THEIR PERFECTLY SOUND VEHICLE and start hobbling away. It does not end well for them. Because a zombie whose been bashed about a giant metal box, then riddled by gunfire, is OF COURSE far quicker than either of them, and must have hearing better than a hunting hound as well.
I shall call a halt here, lest the next one thousand words are all about AOTD. Next!
Picture Of A Despondent Dog
Edna knows how to look like the most miserable, downtrodden and neglected dog in the world - I believe this is a raw natural talent that all domesticated wolves have - whenever there is the remotest chance of food being in the offing. Thus we have - Art!
She did get to lick the plate later, so don't be fooled.
Finally -
Hmmm well, posting this a lot earlier than usual, so there is the possibility of madame above getting a walk in before Conrad trots down to Royton to see what's in the remaindered chiller. Getting fresh air would be welcome, it's horribly clammy and fuggy in The Mansion today, without even the benefit of blue skies. British Autumn weather, I say!
* If this wasn't a word before, it is now.
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