Or It Was
For Lo! what happened last Saturday morning, but my repellent and choleric Acer laptop refused to boot properly. This had been on the cards for a while, frankly, since it had been freezing with erratic predictability. The only way to recover from this was to power off and re-boot, taking at least 5 minutes to get back to where I'd been previously. Causes havoc with the creative intent, you know. Art!
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| LIAR! |
The screen stuck at this point and wouldn't go any further, so Conrad did a bit of Google-fu on INFORMATION REDACTED and tried with the F12 key, net result -
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| LIAR! |
I then tried with the F8 key, net result -
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| LIAR! |
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| No. No we are not. |
This led to another loop which it isn't possible to break out of. Fortunately I had been able to resort to INFORMATION REDACTED in order to keep posting the entertainment you so sorely need. BOOJUM! you bafoons, what else did you think I referred to? "The Arnside And Wensleydale Cheese-Rolling Gazette"*?
ANYWAY Wonder Wifey comes to the rescue with her old, spare laptop, which was absolutely top-of-the-range four years ago and which still performs pretty smartly nowadays, and I've been using it for the past three hours or so and - no freezing. Art!
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| Meet the new boss |
At this point the old Acer is being relegated to a large, squarish-looking door-stop, hammer and frisbee. If this were South Canada there would follow a sequence of it being blown apart with shotgun shells. A man can but dream.
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| Conrad's humble dream |
Icky In The Sticky And A Long Way From Billericay
Billericay, for your information, is a domestic area within the bounds of This Sceptred Isle, a loooooong way from Indiana which is one of the states constituting South Canada, and where the "Erie Canal Soda Pop Festival" of evil repute took place.
The promoters expected 50,000 people to attend, and instead got 275,000.
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| Oops |
Sanitation and water supply went out of the window. In fact they had never been there in the first place, since they had in actuality been set up at a completely different venue, which was unable to transfer kit over in time after the injunction. Nor was catering organised properly, with only one commercial supplier being on-site, although the Salvation Army did have an Emergency Canteen there, bless them. Art!
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| Toilets per thousand people |
As noted above, a simple hamburger went from £6 to £36, and rest assured that these were not specially-crafted artisan ostrich burgers on hand-baked buns with organic gluten-free dressing. Let's have an illustration of the watering hole.
No food, not water, no sanitation - but what they did have was AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF DRUGS. Various vile vendors set themselves up in what was dubbed "Alice In Wonderland Road", where one attendee stated he'd never seen such a quantity or variety of illegal drugs, before or since.
Given the above, what can possibly go wrong?
Rain?
We shall come back to this, rest assured, because the sordidness has only just begun, by gum.
The Lore Of Loring
Nigel Loring, that is, the titular 'Nigel' of "Sir Nigel" as written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle way back in 1905. Your Humble Scribe, because he is a hair-splitting pedant of the very best kind, has been busily noting down the strange words of medieval English-cum-French, and here he defines them.
"BANLIEUE": I had a fair inkling about this one thanks to a couple of French films. It is defined, in modern terms, as an urban district of a city, usually Paris. Since we are looking at fourteenth-century England, it has a less strict definition, being of a general area not incorporated into a city. Art!
One of the films
"DISTRAINED": Probably nothing to do with filtering your small beer (tea not being a thing in the fourteenth century) - and indeed my Collins Concise states that it's a legal term, for when personal property is seized as security or indemnity for a debt. Art!
Distrainedon'tstopforno-one**!
"ESCUAGE": Hmmmm apparently a variant of 'scutage', which was a sum one's feudal lord might levy from you, his knight, if you were dead set against doing military service for him. Your money or your life, one presumes. It didn't apply to the common foot-slogger, presumably as they didn't have sufficient money to be liberated from. Art!
Either very big people or very small buildings
I think that's enough medieval language for one afternoon. Bring on the duncing horses***!
A Thankful Side-Effect Of Covid Easment
As you should surely know by now, Conrad has long been able to view passing buses as they either struggle up Tandle Hill or whiz down it. Thus he gets to see the posters adorning the sides of said buses; which for over a year have not changed.
This has begun to return to normal, and Your Humble Scribe can now return to our old, irascible, generalising and shallow film reviews as we were wont to do, based on nothing more than a passing poster. Let the excoriation begin!
"PETER RABBIT 2": EGAD! The fact that there is a Number 2 means that enough of you out there went to see the execrable first film, which of course leaves me angry. O so angry! Doubtless it will be a vapid mid-Atlantic entity, bred to appeal to South Canadians WELL IT SHOULDN'T IT SHOULD BE BRITISH BRITISH BRITISH to the core. No pandering!
Art gets it right by accident
Let me just check the promotional artwork, hang on -
I thought so - PETER PERVERT! Note how none of them wear any clothing below the waist, in an echo that fearful flaunter Winnie The Pooh. Bah!
"FAST AND FURIOUS 9": You must be kidding! The ninth in this series? TOO MANY OF YOU ARE WATCHING THIS DRIVEL! What will the gimmick be this time - they ride jet-propelled sharks into orbit and battle it out with laser-beams? Killer whales? Blue whales? Knives? Lances? CNC precision lathes? My 'Bah' says 'Bah".
Looks pretty sharky to me!
Finally -
Well, no need to use the INFORMATION REDACTED any more, and time to kick the old Acer laptop into it's box. Be seeing you!
* I'd buy that for sixty pence! ("A dollar!" in South Canadian currency)
** Sorry. That is pretty bad.
*** They're pretty stupid
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