Yes, Really: Attack Of The Killer Potatoes

I Know What You're Thinking -
No!  This has nothing to do with that probably terrible film "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", which I admit I've not actually seen ... 
     Oh go on, a quick look at IMDB won't hurt anyone, will it?  Hang on and stare at this lovely poster whilst I am gone.  Art?

It will give you the pip -

     Hmmm.  It only scores 4.6 and is also a musical, two reasons for Your Humble Scribe to avoid it like a pineapple*.  However, it made £350,000 on a budget of £60,000, so somebody liked it.  And there are three sequels and a cartoon series and a video game, so somebody kept on liking it <narrows eyes suspiciously and stares at readers>.
     Anyway, that's what this is not.  You see, way back when, Your Humble Scribe wrote a short story MSS with that very title you see as today's.  However, it was a sci-fi one with nary a ravening fanged vegetable rending humans apart into dog food.  No.  The problem, you see, came when a Hungarian research lab accidentally gets ten times their state budget, which they then spend as quickly as they can before being told to give it back.

They invent luminous grass

     They also invent - I'm a bit hazy on the how and why, it was a long time ago - the Great Alford, a potato plant that self-seeds in incredible quantity, grows incredibly quickly, exudes poisons that kill off all other plant-life for yards around, is highly poisonous and has leaves that contain neurotoxins which kill immediately on contact.  It also looks exactly like a normal potato plant/potato, though if you eat one you will - waitforitwaitforit - cash your chips in**.

A metaphor, but you get what I mean

     The seeds travel around the world on wind currents, and any that fall into riverine systems travel across the oceans, so the Great Alford infestation is world-wide.  If I recall correctly, at the end specimens are found growing in Vietnam.
     So there you go.  I don't think it ever properly resolved itself - oh, no, wait a minute - I seem to recall that the idiot Hungarian gene-splicer responsible for this plague turns up, pseudonymously, at another biological research lab, with a brilliant idea for how to deal with the Great Alford.  He says.

The Great Alford, a.k.a. Great Hungarian Plain

     What can possibly go wrong!
     Feeling peckish, motley?  Fancy some fish and <sinister oboe chords> chips?

More Of Lasers
Yes, back to Torchexpro, the supposed near-lethal laser being pimped by Tactilax on Facebook.  At least in this country.  A few scam-watch sites have said that Tactilax quietly vanished from view in South Canada, since it had acquired a reputation as being a scam site, only to re-emerge as Torchexpro.
     There are three issues here.  One is the laser's performance itself, because an amusingly irreverent Ruffian going by the name of Taras Kul tried some of the things seen in the promo vid.  Art?

It ignites matches!

     Taras also tried it on balloons, and found it would only pop the darker-coloured ones: red, yellow or orange- nothing happened.  He couldn't get it to ignite some coconut husk, only make it smoke.  It wouldn't cut paper, either, and didn't even set it alight.  As he said, very disappointing.  There's no smoke without fire, unless you're using a Tactilax laser, it seems.
     The second issue is - but I think we'll leave that one alone for tonight.  Can't have your brains glazing over!


Phew! He's Still Alive!
I refer, of course, to that crazed British eccentric inventor Colin Furze, who has his own Youtube channel that I encourage you to watch, especially if you do not hail from these shores, because you will then see the living, breathing embodiment of "English eccentric".  Colin used to be a plumber, which means he has technical competence and ability when it comes to fabricating artefacts; it's just the artefacts he chooses to create are - ah - unusual.  Take his jet-propelled bike, for example.  Art?

Sic

     Motive force comes from a canister of camping gas, I believe.  Dangerous!
     Perhaps not as dangerous as the Spinning Belt Of Knives.  Art?

Sick

     As you can tell from the blurred image, those knives are moving at speed, and they're sharp enough to slice that held cucumber no bother, as they would a hand or leg if anything slipped.  Then there's the Thermite Cannon - 

Boom***.

     Thermite, for your information, is made of powdered iron oxide and aluminium oxide; it burns incredibly hot and you can't put it out once it's started burning.  It's possible some weapons developers around the world saw this and got hot sweaty palms, but for the rest of you out there DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!  SERIOUSLY JUST DON'T!  NO! although Conrad doubts there are many people with the skills set and mind set of Colin who are daft enough to try.
     So - I checked and Colin is still alive, provisionally.

Ol' Jim Strikes Agin
I refer, of course, to James Holland, the historian and presenter (and sponsor of the Chalke Valley History Festival), who has a short series on Channel 4 entitled (I think) "Nazi War Machines: Secrets Uncovered".  I missed his program on Monday as control of the airwaves has been wrested back from Conrad, so I registered at Channel 4 and started watching last night, which is where we come across the Marder.  Art?

A Marder - no James, sorry

     Jim finds someone who has renovated a genuine Second Unpleasantness Marder and restored it to full running order.  As Jim points out, the tank the Marder was based upon (the T38) had formed a large proportion of the panzer arm that ran amok across Europe until Operation Barbarossa, where it was revealed to be obsolete.  Art?

T38

     So, the Nazi whipped off the turret and stuck a whacking big anti-tank gun on it; Hay Pesto!  Now an effective tank-destroyer.  Jim gets in and manages to drive it around with very little practice.  THIS IS IMPORTANT!  PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!  WE WILL COME BACK TO IT!
     I am leaving it at this point as I've only seen 9 minutes of the whole program.  Rest assured, however, that WE WILL RETURN TO IT.

Finally -
Just a thought, which I have expressed before, which is here developed slightly.

Films With Misleading Titles and Conrad's Frothing Nitric Response

"Charlies Angels"                                      They are HUMAN!  AND THEY LACK WINGS!
"Submarine"                                             SET ENTIRELY ON LAND!
"Foxcatcher"                                            NO FOXES!
     And with that, we are done; as done as a well-cooked potato -


*  The Devil's Disgustrous Pinecone
**  Sorry.  Couldn't resist.
***  Anything else is a bit superfluous, isn't it?